I know. [ and then, after a moment: ] There are some things I feel like I can tell you that I don't know how to always talk about with him. Or Reigen. Or Ace.
[ which isn't entirely related to this, but he thinks maybe she needs to know that. nimona has helped in her own way and he's pretty confident she's like ace and reigen both and none of them actually know it because everyone in this fucked up mish-mash family is stupid as hell.
but. but. ]
I wish I had literally anything else sometimes. I'd even take a lame power like...shooting bubbles out of my fingerips. At least then it wouldn't feel as bad not using them. But what I have now...both normally and this week are really useful. A lot of good can be done with them. [ ... ] I tried to take down the broadcast in the arena. When you were fighting Argalia. It didn't work for more than a few seconds though. And I know it helped us with trying to save Mika, and I know it can do good things. I can make it feel less bad if I can do something good with them.
[the first part she holds onto tightly. she doesn't say anything, but. as horrible as she is, as mean as she can be, there's a little part inside her that still holds out her hands.
oh, there's - a little jolt, actually, as she remembers.]
... Oh, Hanako told me about that. [she didn't realize it was nico. there's a pause, and she scoots a little closer, hugging him. she can't really express to him how important that is. that he knew she didn't want to be watched, so he tried, even though the power to do it hurt.]
I get that, I guess. [...] I've never really used mine for anything but hurting things.
[but.]
Why do you hate having it so much? You don't have to tell me. [she just wants to understand.]
Yeah. I was kind of pissed it didn't work out, but I had to try what I could. It was important. [ because he didn't want her experience televised. because he didn't want people to have a "reason" to think of her as a bad person. because he didn't want her to have to deal with people watching her every move. he accepts the hug and pulls her a little closer, letting her settle as near as she wants. ]
...I use my powers at home to fight a lot. We have a lot of things that want to kill us, so I kill them back. [ and sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's not. he's justified it, but in his darkest moments he does think about all of the blood on his hands. but...it's a matter of doing things for good, and nimona's asking, and he frowns again.
"you don't have to tell me" is what she keeps saying, but to him, he keeps thinking "i want to because i trust you not to hurt me with this knowledge." ]
...the power that I have now, and the power I received when I first came here, are both powers that belonged to someone else at home. Someone really important. Not like...a little different than family, but still someone who understood more about me than most people. At one point he actually knew more about me than anyone in the world. And I think every time I think about how I have these powers I get stuck thinking about what he would do and how he could do so much better than me if he were here.
[ there is obviously more to this, but he's trying not to overload her too much. ]
he doesn't have to tell her, but he trusts her with it. and she'll guard it forever.]
I don't think it's fair to compare yourself to someone who isn't here. [she says, first off, firmly.] Or anybody else at all. You're you. You do what you can do. That's all anybody can manage.
[she understands, she thinks, but she's never felt like that. the weight of carrying someone else's legacy and trying to make it worthy of them.]
... But I guess - I guess it's scary to think you've failed anybody, even if you haven't.
[ she's right, of course. it's not fair for people to compare themselves to other people. it's exactly what he'd say to everybody else, but it's not like nico's ever held himself to the same standards as literally anyone else. so he pauses as he thinks, glancing at his fingers. ]
I failed to save him. I wasn't there, and he wasn't with us, and I couldn't save him when he needed help the most. Even as powerful as he was, he still died saving our friends when they were all across the country and away from us. Sometimes it's like...if that happened to him, what chance do I really have of protecting anybody else or keeping myself safe here with these same powers? [ he shuts his eyes then. ] ...every time I use this power, I think about him. He's only been gone for a couple of months and I'm still...not sure what to do without him, sometimes. Ace said that having this power was kind of like having him with me still, but that actually feels worse half the time.
[ so he goes silent again before there's a little, awkward smile and he doesn't open his eyes.]
...he'd say something dumb like, "Nico you have your own strengths, you can't compare yourself to me and try to say I'm better." and I'd say "It's not a comparison if it's just true, Jason." And he'd laugh it off and pretend he can really be anything but good while knowing I'm still learning how to be and giving me a chance to try anyway. [ ... ] I miss him. That's all. It's stupid to not want to use these things just because it hurts to think about him still but I miss him.
[ this part isn't as relevant, but maybe it is. ]
When I figured out what power I had this week, I panicked. I left the dorm and ran and I couldn't even... [ he freaked the fuck out, had a panic attack, and booked it to somewhere far from the dorm. ] Reigen found me and we talked, but...it's still hard, sometimes. I'm working on it.
[hmmm. he looks at his hand, and she reaches for it and takes it, and holds it. loose, so he can pull it away if he wants, but enough that she's present.]
I'm sorry, Nico.
[first. that he lost someone he cared about. small and genuine.]
... That kind of thing never goes away. Missing someone. Especially if they felt so much better than you in all the good ways. And having something to remind you of them all the time of it is always gonna be like... a thorn in the paw, right? Like it hurts. And you can't really grab it enough to get it out.
[a little sigh.]
You keep telling me to cut myself some slack and I think you should too, man. You're allowed to be - fucked up over someone you care about being dead, and this place making the wound bigger.
[ you know at this rate they're pretty tangled up and he's more than okay with that? because he's not letting go of the hug from before and he's holding onto her hand and they're in a pile of blankets on the floor while a palm-sized kitten takes up an entire bed.
but...he nods a little. ]
Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it. It's...missing people isn't anything new. There are people who've been gone for a long time I still miss a lot. But it's easier in a lot of ways than this where if I want to be any help to anyone at all, I have to use my powers. I have to play the game in a way I don't always want.
[ he frowns to that. ] ...Reigen kinda said the same thing and I know that's true but it's also like...what's going to happen first, being too upset about Jason to act, or losing someone I care about here because I didn't do anything to stop it? [ he uses a free hand to rub at his face. ] This place sucks. Constantly.
[she's kind of enjoying being tangled up. she never really gets this sort of affection - she's too skittish to ask for it, but with nico it's easy.
anyway, she brings her hand that is holding his hand up to gently whack his face.]
It does, but you're not making it any better by being hard on yourself. [nyeh!!] ... Do what you can. If you think too hard about it, you're gonna trip.
I think you'll always step up if the people you care about are in trouble. Not out of - duty, or whatever, but because you... I don't know, because you're you.
[ he makes a face when she thwaps him, even if it doesn't hurt. it's the principle of the matter. ]
...yeah. I don't want to lose what's mine. I'm tired of that happening. [ so of course he'll step up when people are in trouble. it's come in the form of powering down a prison, or trying to take down a broadcast, or lying about a murder, or defending people's behavior. ]
Sorry. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and it's hard not to. Especially during the weekends when we don't know who's next. I guess that's also why it's so important to spend time with everyone even during those times.
Neither do I. [ and that's...it, isn't it? two people who were born into a world without any say in who they were meant to be, unwanted by many and fighting just to exist until they could find people and things to care about and be cared about in return.
the murders are awful, always, but...the times in the penthouse with the others, or just spending time in oceanside doing things with friends...those aren't bad. ]
[her nails are still painted, and she's been trying so, so hard not to mess them up, to have proof that someone cared enough to do it for her. she takes such good care of her friendship bracelet, of the sweater nico got her, of the hat ace lets her borrow, of the selfies she's taken with each of their little penthouse crew.
the line has to be coming, right? she's careening towards it, and she'll cross it at any point.]
"I don't really care about my world exploding, if that makes you feel better."
"Why is that anyway? Does it not matter to you?"
"Nobody there matters. They'd all run a sword through me in a second, so I might as well return the favor. It's hiiilarious."
. . .
"It eventually took someone bullying me into being under strict bedrest and a watchful eye for three days before it kind of clicked I didn't always have to do it by myself."
"I don't really have anybody back in my world to tell me to do those things."
. . .
"...so why me?"
"I don't know. I guess because I like you."
he's silent again, but...but. ]
...have you thought much more about what you want to do when the deadline comes and we're finally free of this place?
...come with us. [ he seems to realize that sounds out of nowhere, but. ] If you want. Come with me and Will. Mr. D and Chiron can't say no to us.
[ ...well they can try but nico doesn't really care, so. ]
But I won't be mad if you go somewhere else, too. [ he finally tilts his head up to glance at her and give her an actual smile, albeit small. ] In the end, I want you to go where you're most happiest, but I didn't want you to think you wouldn't be welcome with us.
it's like someone took a fishhook and dug it into her heart and yanked, and she's instantly choked up, her throat tight and her voice not working. come with us. it's so easy. he says it like it's nothing, go where you're happy.]
But - you don't even know if we can go to different worlds.
[it's not a no, she just - getting her hopes up sounds like a nightmare.
you don't even know what she's capable of. and you want her to come with?]
[ NOOOOO. it's fine he's just going to keep holding onto her while she wants it, giving her space and time to say what she wants. ]
They brought all of us here. And if they're forcing us into this competition and forcing us to play their game by their rules, the least they can do is let us have a prize we really want.
[ they really don't know, but...maybe they could both use a little optimism to get through this right now. it's not about getting their hopes up. it's about striving for a goal that they want to gain. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ which isn't entirely related to this, but he thinks maybe she needs to know that. nimona has helped in her own way and he's pretty confident she's like ace and reigen both and none of them actually know it because everyone in this fucked up mish-mash family is stupid as hell.
but. but. ]
I wish I had literally anything else sometimes. I'd even take a lame power like...shooting bubbles out of my fingerips. At least then it wouldn't feel as bad not using them. But what I have now...both normally and this week are really useful. A lot of good can be done with them. [ ... ] I tried to take down the broadcast in the arena. When you were fighting Argalia. It didn't work for more than a few seconds though. And I know it helped us with trying to save Mika, and I know it can do good things. I can make it feel less bad if I can do something good with them.
no subject
oh, there's - a little jolt, actually, as she remembers.]
... Oh, Hanako told me about that. [she didn't realize it was nico. there's a pause, and she scoots a little closer, hugging him. she can't really express to him how important that is. that he knew she didn't want to be watched, so he tried, even though the power to do it hurt.]
I get that, I guess. [...] I've never really used mine for anything but hurting things.
[but.]
Why do you hate having it so much? You don't have to tell me. [she just wants to understand.]
no subject
...I use my powers at home to fight a lot. We have a lot of things that want to kill us, so I kill them back. [ and sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's not. he's justified it, but in his darkest moments he does think about all of the blood on his hands. but...it's a matter of doing things for good, and nimona's asking, and he frowns again.
"you don't have to tell me" is what she keeps saying, but to him, he keeps thinking "i want to because i trust you not to hurt me with this knowledge." ]
...the power that I have now, and the power I received when I first came here, are both powers that belonged to someone else at home. Someone really important. Not like...a little different than family, but still someone who understood more about me than most people. At one point he actually knew more about me than anyone in the world. And I think every time I think about how I have these powers I get stuck thinking about what he would do and how he could do so much better than me if he were here.
[ there is obviously more to this, but he's trying not to overload her too much. ]
no subject
he doesn't have to tell her, but he trusts her with it. and she'll guard it forever.]
I don't think it's fair to compare yourself to someone who isn't here. [she says, first off, firmly.] Or anybody else at all. You're you. You do what you can do. That's all anybody can manage.
[she understands, she thinks, but she's never felt like that. the weight of carrying someone else's legacy and trying to make it worthy of them.]
... But I guess - I guess it's scary to think you've failed anybody, even if you haven't.
no subject
I failed to save him. I wasn't there, and he wasn't with us, and I couldn't save him when he needed help the most. Even as powerful as he was, he still died saving our friends when they were all across the country and away from us. Sometimes it's like...if that happened to him, what chance do I really have of protecting anybody else or keeping myself safe here with these same powers? [ he shuts his eyes then. ] ...every time I use this power, I think about him. He's only been gone for a couple of months and I'm still...not sure what to do without him, sometimes. Ace said that having this power was kind of like having him with me still, but that actually feels worse half the time.
[ so he goes silent again before there's a little, awkward smile and he doesn't open his eyes.]
...he'd say something dumb like, "Nico you have your own strengths, you can't compare yourself to me and try to say I'm better." and I'd say "It's not a comparison if it's just true, Jason." And he'd laugh it off and pretend he can really be anything but good while knowing I'm still learning how to be and giving me a chance to try anyway. [ ... ] I miss him. That's all. It's stupid to not want to use these things just because it hurts to think about him still but I miss him.
[ this part isn't as relevant, but maybe it is. ]
When I figured out what power I had this week, I panicked. I left the dorm and ran and I couldn't even... [ he freaked the fuck out, had a panic attack, and booked it to somewhere far from the dorm. ] Reigen found me and we talked, but...it's still hard, sometimes. I'm working on it.
no subject
I'm sorry, Nico.
[first. that he lost someone he cared about. small and genuine.]
... That kind of thing never goes away. Missing someone. Especially if they felt so much better than you in all the good ways. And having something to remind you of them all the time of it is always gonna be like... a thorn in the paw, right? Like it hurts. And you can't really grab it enough to get it out.
[a little sigh.]
You keep telling me to cut myself some slack and I think you should too, man. You're allowed to be - fucked up over someone you care about being dead, and this place making the wound bigger.
no subject
but...he nods a little. ]
Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it. It's...missing people isn't anything new. There are people who've been gone for a long time I still miss a lot. But it's easier in a lot of ways than this where if I want to be any help to anyone at all, I have to use my powers. I have to play the game in a way I don't always want.
[ he frowns to that. ] ...Reigen kinda said the same thing and I know that's true but it's also like...what's going to happen first, being too upset about Jason to act, or losing someone I care about here because I didn't do anything to stop it? [ he uses a free hand to rub at his face. ] This place sucks. Constantly.
no subject
anyway, she brings her hand that is holding his hand up to gently whack his face.]
It does, but you're not making it any better by being hard on yourself. [nyeh!!] ... Do what you can. If you think too hard about it, you're gonna trip.
I think you'll always step up if the people you care about are in trouble. Not out of - duty, or whatever, but because you... I don't know, because you're you.
no subject
...yeah. I don't want to lose what's mine. I'm tired of that happening. [ so of course he'll step up when people are in trouble. it's come in the form of powering down a prison, or trying to take down a broadcast, or lying about a murder, or defending people's behavior. ]
Sorry. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and it's hard not to. Especially during the weekends when we don't know who's next. I guess that's also why it's so important to spend time with everyone even during those times.
no subject
... I don't want any of this to go away. [she agrees, quietly. maybe with a touch of desperation, there.] I hate solving murders, but.
[... everything else is kind of okay.]
no subject
Neither do I. [ and that's...it, isn't it? two people who were born into a world without any say in who they were meant to be, unwanted by many and fighting just to exist until they could find people and things to care about and be cared about in return.
the murders are awful, always, but...the times in the penthouse with the others, or just spending time in oceanside doing things with friends...those aren't bad. ]
But maybe it doesn't have to.
no subject
the line has to be coming, right? she's careening towards it, and she'll cross it at any point.]
Maybe.
no subject
"I don't really care about my world exploding, if that makes you feel better."
"Why is that anyway? Does it not matter to you?"
"Nobody there matters. They'd all run a sword through me in a second, so I might as well return the favor. It's hiiilarious."
. . .
"It eventually took someone bullying me into being under strict bedrest and a watchful eye for three days before it kind of clicked I didn't always have to do it by myself."
"I don't really have anybody back in my world to tell me to do those things."
. . .
"...so why me?"
"I don't know. I guess because I like you."
he's silent again, but...but. ]
...have you thought much more about what you want to do when the deadline comes and we're finally free of this place?
no subject
she's quiet, too, and then:]
Tama told me I should ask people what their worlds are like. [dodging the question, just a little.] But not really. No.
no subject
...come with us. [ he seems to realize that sounds out of nowhere, but. ] If you want. Come with me and Will. Mr. D and Chiron can't say no to us.
[ ...well they can try but nico doesn't really care, so. ]
But I won't be mad if you go somewhere else, too. [ he finally tilts his head up to glance at her and give her an actual smile, albeit small. ] In the end, I want you to go where you're most happiest, but I didn't want you to think you wouldn't be welcome with us.
no subject
it's like someone took a fishhook and dug it into her heart and yanked, and she's instantly choked up, her throat tight and her voice not working. come with us. it's so easy. he says it like it's nothing, go where you're happy.]
But - you don't even know if we can go to different worlds.
[it's not a no, she just - getting her hopes up sounds like a nightmare.
you don't even know what she's capable of. and you want her to come with?]
no subject
They brought all of us here. And if they're forcing us into this competition and forcing us to play their game by their rules, the least they can do is let us have a prize we really want.
[ they really don't know, but...maybe they could both use a little optimism to get through this right now. it's not about getting their hopes up. it's about striving for a goal that they want to gain. ]
no subject
she's quiet for a bit, and then:]
I'll think about it. [she can hold onto the optimism.] ... We have to figure out how to find Ace again, too. And Reigen, and all of them.
no subject
[ another goal for the list. another thing to strive for. another thing he can try to do for her and for all of them, really. ]
You have time to think about whatever. It's all your choice.