[ given the way he's sort of twitching still that is probably a good guess, even though he trusts her and loves her and would not really care after the initial surprise.
the lack of impulse control is a thing that happens sometimes even on a good day. comes with being a demigod with battleborn reflexes and constantly in a fight or flight state. but here it's been...weird, because he's worked on controlling himself for years and keeping himself sharp and calm under crisis. to immediately try to beat the shit out of kogitsunemaru startled him just as much as anyone else, especially when he knows better.
so she gets a gentle nudge back as he thinks. ]
...I had my suspicions it was him from the time I found the bite on Lillium's neck. Kogitsunemaru had referenced himself as a fox before, and I knew his power wasn't entirely accounted for. Plus he's a sword spirit, trained with a blade. It all added up, but it wasn't enough to accuse him so early in the day. So I kept quiet and let people follow other leads and uncover different things. But there were some questions people asked about Lillium that I didn't bother answering either.
[she knows him well enough at this point that they're similar in that - if he wants a hug, he's always going to have it from her, but she'll wait for him to ease down from how much today was.
she digs her feet into the sand, absently.]
Yeah. When the bite stuff came up I kinda figured, because I knew it wasn't me, and I'd seen Temenos do it when all our power stuff was swapped around. [but she also figured that since she's been a nuisance with trials in the past that she shouldn't get too into being the accuser.
a pause, and then:] I don't have to ask questions either. I can just trust you.
Yeah. I'm still not even fully sure what happened. Maybe I should have gone to see him in jail and ask for the whole story, but...I don't care. I can't care anymore, it's already over and done with and being mad or understanding won't bring him back sooner. So it's just about...focusing on getting them back anyway.
[ he's letting his fingers pick at one of the holes in his jeans. ]
...the only team left that has to do a kill is Fox. Everyone else is covered now, I think. As long as ours still counts. But the fact that he still died...[ i should have fought him harder, maybe. ] I don't know. I can't really figure out all of my feelings on everything right now?
[ which is about as close to admitting that he's a mess for multiple reasons but he's focused on tomorrow anyway. ] ...thank you for trusting me.
[she's so hyperfixated on getting the dead back that it doesn't even occur to her that they might not be able to. she can't focus on anything else or she will just pass away.
it's impulse to reach over and hold onto his pantsleg. just to remember he's there.]
You don't gotta. [figure it all out now.] You probably should eventually, but we just finished investigating murders for like nine hours, you don't have to do anything.
[...]
Obviously. [in response to the thanks.] You trusted me first. So.
[ they are absolutely getting their dead back. it's just about how soon is soon enough. he doesn't mind her holding onto him, even if his own fingers tear a slightly bigger hole in his jeans. picking it apart. just a nervous twitch. ]
Me not doing anything is maybe why Lillium got killed. [ which is a loaded sentence, and it's bitter and it's quiet and he's just scowling at the ocean. it's a complicated thing though. but he relaxes just slightly when she continues. ]
...you gave me reasons to try and trust you, and I chose to, and you never proved me wrong. I wanted to, and so I did. I know you and I know I can trust you with everything.
[she gives him a look at that first part. no. don't be like that. she doesn't say anything about it, just yanks at his jeans so he'll look at her and see her unamused expression.
but he continues, and she's quiet, before:]
It's the same for me. [she tells him, glancing out over the waves. he gave her reasons, and she believed them, and now they're here. he's never proven her wrong. it's almost a novelty.]
You don't really believe that you got Lillium killed, Nico. [right?]
[ he feels her tug at his jeans and it's about then that a hand moves to cover hers. he got the message loud and clear. he doesn't remove his hand right away but he does stay quiet for a few more moments. ]
I'm glad. [ to the first, because they're similar and he knows how hard it is to trust people in the first place when you're so used to people hurting you anyway. but he hears her, and he pauses again. ]
...we started planning on Sunday. Maybe a few hours after...[ after ace's execution. ] We knew we were one of the teams who still needed to act so we talked and were planning how to be strategic about it. I could have helped him out there, but he told me to stay behind. I should have just ignored him and tried to come anyway to make sure he came back. That shouldn't only be his and Jolyne's job. I just...sat back and let him do this for us while I didn't try. So I keep thinking about everything I could have tried to do to prevent this.
[if he doesn't pull away, she'll just hold his hand.]
That's not how it was and you know it. [she says, a little sharply.] He wanted you to stay back. And even if you hadn't - you don't know how it would've gone. Maybe it would've been you that ended up dead. Maybe it would've still been him that died anyway, and you would've been the one people had to vote for.
It's not on you to have the solution to all problems, so don't make it that way. [she squeezes his hand.] ... Don't beat yourself up. Please.
He only told me to stay back because of some stuff he saw, and he decided I wasn't going. [ memshare was a mistake. but... ] ...I know there are too many possibilities for how this could have turned out. Maybe it would've been me instead, or maybe we would've killed Albedo and Kogitsunemaru killed Lillium anyway, and then we voted for someone unrelated.
[ ...he holds her hand and he thinks this over quietly. ]
...Temenos told me that the gloves were Kogitsunemaru's and I knew that wasn't true. But I needed something that would seal his fate, so I made false evidence attach to him.
They were Lillium's. I didn't go with him, but...we had talked about things he was planning to do out there to take care of Albedo. We'd talked about using gloves to make sure he didn't leave prints since people knew we had the kit. We also talked about telling Albedo why he was chosen...trying to reason with him and make it as easy as possible. Including grilling a hot dog for him.
[ he sounds. so tired. but there was a grill on the beach... ] Lillium's not an idiot either. He's done this before, so of course he would have obscured sizing so it wouldn't point at him either. It just happened to work out that they did fit Kogitsunemaru...and with how he was behaving with his fur and his power it all just tied together decently enough.
It's not like I care that you did, for the record. [...] There's a reason I tried to match my bite to the one on Lillium and it wasn't to get everybody to vote for me.
Which, gross. I wish you didn't have to do that since he's still a corpse. [ but he keeps a firm grip on her hand while he thinks. ] ...Lillium kind of figured he wouldn't survive this anyway, but I don't think this is what he thought. Originally, we were thinking about targeting Kogitsunemaru ourselves and changed our minds to try and keep some peace between Phoenix and Rabbit, since they're friends. So much for that, right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
the lack of impulse control is a thing that happens sometimes even on a good day. comes with being a demigod with battleborn reflexes and constantly in a fight or flight state. but here it's been...weird, because he's worked on controlling himself for years and keeping himself sharp and calm under crisis. to immediately try to beat the shit out of kogitsunemaru startled him just as much as anyone else, especially when he knows better.
so she gets a gentle nudge back as he thinks. ]
...I had my suspicions it was him from the time I found the bite on Lillium's neck. Kogitsunemaru had referenced himself as a fox before, and I knew his power wasn't entirely accounted for. Plus he's a sword spirit, trained with a blade. It all added up, but it wasn't enough to accuse him so early in the day. So I kept quiet and let people follow other leads and uncover different things. But there were some questions people asked about Lillium that I didn't bother answering either.
no subject
she digs her feet into the sand, absently.]
Yeah. When the bite stuff came up I kinda figured, because I knew it wasn't me, and I'd seen Temenos do it when all our power stuff was swapped around. [but she also figured that since she's been a nuisance with trials in the past that she shouldn't get too into being the accuser.
a pause, and then:] I don't have to ask questions either. I can just trust you.
no subject
[ he's letting his fingers pick at one of the holes in his jeans. ]
...the only team left that has to do a kill is Fox. Everyone else is covered now, I think. As long as ours still counts. But the fact that he still died...[ i should have fought him harder, maybe. ] I don't know. I can't really figure out all of my feelings on everything right now?
[ which is about as close to admitting that he's a mess for multiple reasons but he's focused on tomorrow anyway. ] ...thank you for trusting me.
no subject
it's impulse to reach over and hold onto his pantsleg. just to remember he's there.]
You don't gotta. [figure it all out now.] You probably should eventually, but we just finished investigating murders for like nine hours, you don't have to do anything.
[...]
Obviously. [in response to the thanks.] You trusted me first. So.
no subject
Me not doing anything is maybe why Lillium got killed. [ which is a loaded sentence, and it's bitter and it's quiet and he's just scowling at the ocean. it's a complicated thing though. but he relaxes just slightly when she continues. ]
...you gave me reasons to try and trust you, and I chose to, and you never proved me wrong. I wanted to, and so I did. I know you and I know I can trust you with everything.
no subject
but he continues, and she's quiet, before:]
It's the same for me. [she tells him, glancing out over the waves. he gave her reasons, and she believed them, and now they're here. he's never proven her wrong. it's almost a novelty.]
You don't really believe that you got Lillium killed, Nico. [right?]
no subject
I'm glad. [ to the first, because they're similar and he knows how hard it is to trust people in the first place when you're so used to people hurting you anyway. but he hears her, and he pauses again. ]
...we started planning on Sunday. Maybe a few hours after...[ after ace's execution. ] We knew we were one of the teams who still needed to act so we talked and were planning how to be strategic about it. I could have helped him out there, but he told me to stay behind. I should have just ignored him and tried to come anyway to make sure he came back. That shouldn't only be his and Jolyne's job. I just...sat back and let him do this for us while I didn't try. So I keep thinking about everything I could have tried to do to prevent this.
no subject
That's not how it was and you know it. [she says, a little sharply.] He wanted you to stay back. And even if you hadn't - you don't know how it would've gone. Maybe it would've been you that ended up dead. Maybe it would've still been him that died anyway, and you would've been the one people had to vote for.
It's not on you to have the solution to all problems, so don't make it that way. [she squeezes his hand.] ... Don't beat yourself up. Please.
no subject
He only told me to stay back because of some stuff he saw, and he decided I wasn't going. [ memshare was a mistake. but... ] ...I know there are too many possibilities for how this could have turned out. Maybe it would've been me instead, or maybe we would've killed Albedo and Kogitsunemaru killed Lillium anyway, and then we voted for someone unrelated.
[ ...he holds her hand and he thinks this over quietly. ]
...Temenos told me that the gloves were Kogitsunemaru's and I knew that wasn't true. But I needed something that would seal his fate, so I made false evidence attach to him.
no subject
You made false evidence? [she lifts an eyebrow - not in judgement, just curiosity.] How'd you know the gloves weren't his? Were they Lillium's?
no subject
[ he sounds. so tired. but there was a grill on the beach... ] Lillium's not an idiot either. He's done this before, so of course he would have obscured sizing so it wouldn't point at him either. It just happened to work out that they did fit Kogitsunemaru...and with how he was behaving with his fur and his power it all just tied together decently enough.
no subject
It's not like I care that you did, for the record. [...] There's a reason I tried to match my bite to the one on Lillium and it wasn't to get everybody to vote for me.
no subject