[ he can only imagine being on that side of things, because he's hearing her words and thinking about how they apply to someone else, too. ]
I'm sorry. It must be really hard when it feels like you should be able to help and protect him, but you don't know how to all the time. And worse when you can only watch the aftermath. [ he. uh. remembers tama's response when they found ryuki's body (?) thursday. ]
It's not easy to ask for help sometimes. Especially if you have something you feel like can only be accomplished by you. Or something you feel like you have to do yourself to make up for something that's happened. [ ... ] It's easier to burden yourself than others usually, especially if you have a perspective of how you can handle things. Skewed or not.
I guess the best is just reminding him constantly that you are there to help him and he doesn't have to take it on by himself. Even if he doesn't listen and even if it's frustrating.
Trust me, I do. I've called him out on his habits before as well. It's just...
[ she sighs, a little heavier. ]
It's easier to make sure he tries to rely on me, and know what he's doing when I'm my regular self. Even if he does do something reckless, I can try and support him. Make sure he doesn't get hurt.
[ and, well. they all saw what happened last week. ]
I don't know how to explain it. Like I gained and lost limbs at the same time.
[ he won't pretend he fully gets it because that's not fair to tama. but he can listen and try to empathize and try to understand. so he's quietly mulling that over. ]
An adjustment period, but always feeling like if you don't adjust soon enough it might be too late. There are things you can do now that you couldn't before, like touch him. But you can't do other things he might need, like scan him for what might be wrong when he can't fully recognize and articulate it. [ ...he bows his head then. ] I'm sorry. I know it's not my business it's just...hard on both parties, I think.
Which makes it harder to be honest sometimes when you never know who's listening. [ shaking his head, and his hood wiggles. ] Does the neural link have something to do with being an ai-ball?
[ let's keep walking, maybe. maybe they can salvage this day. they won't bc im giving a mem next tag or so but still. ]
Well... that can happen too, if you're talking around other agents. The neural link's like a channel. Public, but private if you choose to keep it private. That's usually a conscious decision.
And yeah. You can't just stick an AI-Ball in your socket and expect it to work. You need connections and links to communicate. It's all in the waivers that agents sign when they join up.
[ them: maybe we will have a nice day. the memory: bitch you thought ]
Sounds like a lot of networking and routing to make sure things go where they need to go to function. Or at least a lot of consent on all sides. I think it'd probably drive me a little crazy having to figure out which of my thoughts are filtered to who all the time.
[ but alas. ]
...but I can see an argument for the other way, too. It's always worse to have to decide what you can and can't share in public.
[ which, like, speaking of, it's a funny time for them to walk around a corner and have a comic panel pop up. ]
That's why there's so many waivers. A lot of ABIS agents were missing an eye or had damage to their left eyes in the first place -- so it wasn't much of a loss, you know?
[ ... ]
Ryuki chose to have the surgery. [ it was for his dream, but sometimes it's just... nice to think about and know he chose this, even when they're arguing or not having the best time. they're both there because they want to be.
but.
ah.
(me voice) baby shaaaame. ]
...
Nothing I'm hearing or seeing from you is really endearing me to a lot of those gods, you know. Although that Titan seems like a good guy.
...chosen partners then. [ there's something that's almost like a smile because that's...kind of sweet, in theory.
and then this happens and he's immediately frowning exasperatedly. ]
Nyx should never been endeared to, for one thing. But...Bob's a friend. He's someone Will and I had to save no matter what it took. And we did? Like...maybe a day before we came to Oceanside.
Well. Assigned, but— he chose to have an AI-Ball, so it counts.
[ oh, oof. ]
Oh, that’s unfortunate timing. Did you at least make it out of there before you came here…? [ did bob and also very importantly the only one that matters here, SMALL BOB? ]
[ he's nodding because yes, he will count it. tama and ryuki are a set, do not separate.
also, he kind of gives her an exhausted, grim smile. ]
...we were home for less than twenty-four hours, but yeah. We made it. Everyone's safe. Will and I and the Cocoa Puffs all went back to camp. Bob and Small Bob decided to head west to decide what to do now that they had their freedom back.
[ said-little puff seems to know it's being talked about, given nico's hood wiggles again and it crawls up and onto his shoulder. it stares at tama and chirps inquisitively. hello.
and nico glances at it before he gives tama a lopsided little smile. ]
Tama, meet Shame. You can understand why I can't bring myself to call them their proper name. [ ...and he sighs. ] She created them, but they came from my emotions. So I guess...I also sort of created them? It's weird.
[ little shame. she’s giving it pets again because baby. ]
For something made from some of your repressed negative emotions… it’s still really cute. But you feel kinda responsible for them? [ even though he didn’t make them specifically. ]
Yeah, I think so too. [ the baby purrs under tama's touch. ] But yeah. I...after Nyx summoned them, she tried to send them to attack Will and Bob. I was able to regain control of them and get them to listen to me because they're mine. And when I did, I gave them permission to go and be free. They didn't have to be chained to me anymore. They were able to go and make their own choice how they wanted to live.
But when we were escaping Tartarus to head back to the living world, they followed us. I don't think they wanted to stay hidden in the dark forever either. So they got in our boat and we took them with us. I'd feel pretty bad abandoning any of them now when they just wanted a chance to live and came with us.
[ nico: i will attempt to be a better father than my own father. ]
That’s a pretty good thing though, right? They had the choice to stay, or leave Tartarus and be free if they wanted, but they chose to go with you. They must see something in you they like, otherwise — well. They’re part of you? I don’t think you could hide much from something made from you.
Yeah, I think so. [ fondly... ] And anyway I'm tired of hiding everything. It's easier to figure out everything now that I know what I'm actually confronting and sorting through my past. A little hard to ignore when they keep eating my snacks and stealing my socks.
[ the puff chirps innocently. ]
...at least now when I touch them I'm not instantly reminded of those things either. I'll take that as a win.
I think having them actually does help me move on from the past, if only because I have to actually address it when it's right in my face. The whole...working through childhood trauma and PTSD thing.
...I knew what they were the moment we met. But touching them...drew up the memories of each emotion. It was a little horrifying at first until I learned how to control them.
I’m pretty sure when people say face your trauma they didn’t mean it this way. But… even if it’s unconventional, if it works then that’s the main thing? [ hey kids, here’s your trauma in the form of a cute shadow cat ]
… So, back home that happens any time you touch them? Any time at all? But with filters on, if you remember to use them.
That's the main thing. I think...Nyx wanted to use them as a point, and she didn't think that I was capable of changing the narrative to suit me instead. Jokes on her.
[ ...but he sighs. ] It's better than when we first met. I think knowing who they are and not having them shackled to me has helped. I can touch them without the constant reminders. Or maybe it's that I'm not trying to ignore those pains and I'm working through them, so it doesn't always hurt as much to think about them. It's probably a combination of stuff.
[ shame chirps and purrs inquisitively. ]
For the most part they're learning about themselves, too. What they like, what they want to do. They usually follow me or Will or they play with each other.
Isn't that how all people with delusions of grandeur work? They think they know how everything's gonna pan out and then they're all "it can't be!!" when it doesn't. Same old, same old.
[ (internet meme voice) predictable. ]
I guess it must be a lot for them too. They're suddenly whole beings made from something that shouldn't normally be tangible. It's not quite the same, but I can emphathise with the sensory overload.
See, you get it. It was the same for Kronos, Gaea and Nero before we beat them, too. [ tama he is so tired, please help. ] The methods are always a little different, but eventually once you've fought one war the rest get easier.
[ still... ]
Yeah. When they were first born, they were trying to learn how to walk and control themselves. But now they're getting more intelligent and learning new things. It's less terrifying to be in a wild open world, but it probably helps that they have each other.
[ he says, blatantly ignoring that this could apply to himself, too. ]
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I'm sorry. It must be really hard when it feels like you should be able to help and protect him, but you don't know how to all the time. And worse when you can only watch the aftermath. [ he. uh. remembers tama's response when they found ryuki's body (?) thursday. ]
But he trusts you doesn't he?
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Yes. But— he takes everything on himself and he doesn’t ask for help.
[ frowns. ]
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It's not easy to ask for help sometimes. Especially if you have something you feel like can only be accomplished by you. Or something you feel like you have to do yourself to make up for something that's happened. [ ... ] It's easier to burden yourself than others usually, especially if you have a perspective of how you can handle things. Skewed or not.
I guess the best is just reminding him constantly that you are there to help him and he doesn't have to take it on by himself. Even if he doesn't listen and even if it's frustrating.
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[ she sighs, a little heavier. ]
It's easier to make sure he tries to rely on me, and know what he's doing when I'm my regular self. Even if he does do something reckless, I can try and support him. Make sure he doesn't get hurt.
[ and, well. they all saw what happened last week. ]
I don't know how to explain it. Like I gained and lost limbs at the same time.
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An adjustment period, but always feeling like if you don't adjust soon enough it might be too late. There are things you can do now that you couldn't before, like touch him. But you can't do other things he might need, like scan him for what might be wrong when he can't fully recognize and articulate it. [ ...he bows his head then. ] I'm sorry. I know it's not my business it's just...hard on both parties, I think.
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[ remember when they were just going to karaoke? those were good, cute moments. ]
It's going to be weird for him too. Normally we can just talk to each other without another listening in. Neural link.
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[ let's keep walking, maybe. maybe they can salvage this day. they won't bc im giving a mem next tag or so but still. ]
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And yeah. You can't just stick an AI-Ball in your socket and expect it to work. You need connections and links to communicate. It's all in the waivers that agents sign when they join up.
[ them: maybe we will have a nice day.
the memory: bitch you thought ]
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[ but alas. ]
...but I can see an argument for the other way, too. It's always worse to have to decide what you can and can't share in public.
[ which, like, speaking of, it's a funny time for them to walk around a corner and have a comic panel pop up. ]
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[ ... ]
Ryuki chose to have the surgery. [ it was for his dream, but sometimes it's just... nice to think about and know he chose this, even when they're arguing or not having the best time. they're both there because they want to be.
but.
ah.
(me voice) baby shaaaame. ]
...
Nothing I'm hearing or seeing from you is really endearing me to a lot of those gods, you know. Although that Titan seems like a good guy.
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and then this happens and he's immediately frowning exasperatedly. ]
Nyx should never been endeared to, for one thing. But...Bob's a friend. He's someone Will and I had to save no matter what it took. And we did? Like...maybe a day before we came to Oceanside.
[ haha. ]
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[ oh, oof. ]
Oh, that’s unfortunate timing. Did you at least make it out of there before you came here…? [ did bob and also very importantly the only one that matters here, SMALL BOB? ]
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also, he kind of gives her an exhausted, grim smile. ]
...we were home for less than twenty-four hours, but yeah. We made it. Everyone's safe. Will and I and the Cocoa Puffs all went back to camp. Bob and Small Bob decided to head west to decide what to do now that they had their freedom back.
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So, your little puff— that it’s one of those creatures Nyx made?
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and nico glances at it before he gives tama a lopsided little smile. ]
Tama, meet Shame. You can understand why I can't bring myself to call them their proper name. [ ...and he sighs. ] She created them, but they came from my emotions. So I guess...I also sort of created them? It's weird.
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For something made from some of your repressed negative emotions… it’s still really cute. But you feel kinda responsible for them? [ even though he didn’t make them specifically. ]
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But when we were escaping Tartarus to head back to the living world, they followed us. I don't think they wanted to stay hidden in the dark forever either. So they got in our boat and we took them with us. I'd feel pretty bad abandoning any of them now when they just wanted a chance to live and came with us.
[ nico: i will attempt to be a better father than my own father. ]
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That’s a pretty good thing though, right? They had the choice to stay, or leave Tartarus and be free if they wanted, but they chose to go with you. They must see something in you they like, otherwise — well. They’re part of you? I don’t think you could hide much from something made from you.
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[ the puff chirps innocently. ]
...at least now when I touch them I'm not instantly reminded of those things either. I'll take that as a win.
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[ heh. sock thief. ]
Ah, is that was it was like when you first met them?
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...I knew what they were the moment we met. But touching them...drew up the memories of each emotion. It was a little horrifying at first until I learned how to control them.
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… So, back home that happens any time you touch them? Any time at all? But with filters on, if you remember to use them.
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[ ...but he sighs. ] It's better than when we first met. I think knowing who they are and not having them shackled to me has helped. I can touch them without the constant reminders. Or maybe it's that I'm not trying to ignore those pains and I'm working through them, so it doesn't always hurt as much to think about them. It's probably a combination of stuff.
[ shame chirps and purrs inquisitively. ]
For the most part they're learning about themselves, too. What they like, what they want to do. They usually follow me or Will or they play with each other.
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[ (internet meme voice) predictable. ]
I guess it must be a lot for them too. They're suddenly whole beings made from something that shouldn't normally be tangible. It's not quite the same, but I can emphathise with the sensory overload.
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[ still... ]
Yeah. When they were first born, they were trying to learn how to walk and control themselves. But now they're getting more intelligent and learning new things. It's less terrifying to be in a wild open world, but it probably helps that they have each other.
[ he says, blatantly ignoring that this could apply to himself, too. ]
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