[she's quiet for a minute, because - she thinks what she should say is something more comforting than what she can come up with. but she's not good at this. she's not reigen, and she's not ace, and she's not lillium or will or anybody who knows how to be someone who can pull something together enough to bolster him.
but it feels dishonest to tell him it's okay, to tell him he doesn't have to, to tell him he can look away if he wants. or maybe not even dishonest, just... unkind. it'd be like she didn't know him at all. he's a good person. he cares so much about people. she knows he'd never do that, and it seems rude to even suggest.
i can't do it anymore, he says, and that sounds dangerously like her, so instead she just takes a deep breath. hopes he'll follow it.]
He's lucky to have you. [she says, finally.] You're a good person. Even when it sucks.
[ if he knew what she was thinking, he would tell her that she doesn't have to be that person. she doesn't have to be reigen or ace or lillium or will. she doesn't have to be particularly good at this or know what she's doing. all she has to be is nimona, because that's who he's looking for comfort from right now. he doesn't want someone she's not.
subconsciously, he does actually take a similarly deep breath to calm himself down even if he doesn't lift his head. ]
...that's been a pattern, hasn't it. All of these terrible things happening to people who are trying to be good people. [ nimona, will, danny, reigen, ace, their little group of jailbreakers, the people they've come to rely on. so many of them are good people or people with the capacity to be good if someone keeps reaching out to them. but this please keeps kicking all of them down. ] I think it's more...I'm lucky to have him. I...Will made me rethink my entire life and my entire future when we met. He changed so much about me.
[ will changed a lot for him, really, and it gave him the chance to be a better person. and soon there's a soft sigh. ] Nimona, all of this really sucks.
[she's insistent about this. because she thinks that's probably true, that will helped nico a lot, but she's not going to sit here and listen to him downplay the effect he has in return. if he could see himself the way nimona sees him, he'd never doubt himself again. she wants to shake him a little. she doesn't, but god does she think about it.
she takes another deep breath for him to follow, letting him keep his head where it is. she's still petting his hair absently.]
... Sucks is an understatement. [she says after a second, and then:] I'm gonna keep reminding you that you're not alone, though.
...I know. [ whether that's "i know he's lucky" or "i know i'm not alone" he doesn't quite say because it's all the same sentiment. don't shake him he's already full of bees. he's still following her breathing and his crying seems to have, like, settled down significantly but he doesn't sit up as long as she's petting his hair. ]
If I thought I was really alone, I wouldn't be here. [ softly said. ] Our group's numbers keep changing, but...it's nice to know there are people. For both of us.
[ himself and will, and himself and nimona. ] It felt easier to make friends here than before.
she will keep petting his hair, though, because she thinks he should get to relax for a bit. he can curl up and wind down as much as possible, with her wings blocking out the rest of the world.]
... Yeah. [she agrees, quietly.] I didn't have friends before I was here.
but yeah. it's working. it's so stupid, he does this for everyone else all the time and then he's jumpscared when it works on him and he likes it. it's entirely possible he's closing his swollen eyes to rest them, shifting to lean into her a little more comfortably and refusing to let go. ]
And now you've got a bunch of us. It's...it always feels like both a good and a bad thing. It's good for all of the good times and for the support and being able to have those people. But...it's obviously bad when bad things happen to them. And maybe that's where I'm at. The part where bad things happen to my friends and I'm stuck on what to do because they're my friends and they're important to me. [ a pause. ] But then...there's the good of having friends who'll let me kind of ramble while I try not to completely unravel even if Will's only going to be gone for three days.
[ given the way he subconsciously tightens his grip, there are circumstances about that part that still bother him and they all circle around will having to die. ]
I'm trying. [ sincerely. ] I'm...really, really trying. It's only a few days and then it'll all be fine again.
[ ...hopefully. he's leaning into her. ] ...I think I keep thinking about other people who were only supposed to be gone for a few days and never came home. I know that's not the case here, but...unlearning old responses has been a pain.
Definitely. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never hurt deeply enough, I think. [ he's quiet. ] ...you may as well say the other thing. If you want.
[ a gentle bonk of his head to her shoulder. yeah. he is the same. he gets it. ]
Mmh. [ it's brief acknowledgement and then he's moving on. ] You kind of have to wonder if they're all things you can unlearn or if there are some habits you're stuck with forever because you keep being proven they're true. These days I'm better at believing with effort that things can be retaught in a different way.
...not always. Sometimes I think it's impossible or that I'm stupid for still thinking it's possible. It always depends on other people, and that's where most of the trouble starts.
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but it feels dishonest to tell him it's okay, to tell him he doesn't have to, to tell him he can look away if he wants. or maybe not even dishonest, just... unkind. it'd be like she didn't know him at all. he's a good person. he cares so much about people. she knows he'd never do that, and it seems rude to even suggest.
i can't do it anymore, he says, and that sounds dangerously like her, so instead she just takes a deep breath. hopes he'll follow it.]
He's lucky to have you. [she says, finally.] You're a good person. Even when it sucks.
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subconsciously, he does actually take a similarly deep breath to calm himself down even if he doesn't lift his head. ]
...that's been a pattern, hasn't it. All of these terrible things happening to people who are trying to be good people. [ nimona, will, danny, reigen, ace, their little group of jailbreakers, the people they've come to rely on. so many of them are good people or people with the capacity to be good if someone keeps reaching out to them. but this please keeps kicking all of them down. ] I think it's more...I'm lucky to have him. I...Will made me rethink my entire life and my entire future when we met. He changed so much about me.
[ will changed a lot for him, really, and it gave him the chance to be a better person. and soon there's a soft sigh. ] Nimona, all of this really sucks.
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[she's insistent about this. because she thinks that's probably true, that will helped nico a lot, but she's not going to sit here and listen to him downplay the effect he has in return. if he could see himself the way nimona sees him, he'd never doubt himself again. she wants to shake him a little. she doesn't, but god does she think about it.
she takes another deep breath for him to follow, letting him keep his head where it is. she's still petting his hair absently.]
... Sucks is an understatement. [she says after a second, and then:] I'm gonna keep reminding you that you're not alone, though.
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If I thought I was really alone, I wouldn't be here. [ softly said. ] Our group's numbers keep changing, but...it's nice to know there are people. For both of us.
[ himself and will, and himself and nimona. ] It felt easier to make friends here than before.
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she will keep petting his hair, though, because she thinks he should get to relax for a bit. he can curl up and wind down as much as possible, with her wings blocking out the rest of the world.]
... Yeah. [she agrees, quietly.] I didn't have friends before I was here.
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but yeah. it's working. it's so stupid, he does this for everyone else all the time and then he's jumpscared when it works on him and he likes it. it's entirely possible he's closing his swollen eyes to rest them, shifting to lean into her a little more comfortably and refusing to let go. ]
And now you've got a bunch of us. It's...it always feels like both a good and a bad thing. It's good for all of the good times and for the support and being able to have those people. But...it's obviously bad when bad things happen to them. And maybe that's where I'm at. The part where bad things happen to my friends and I'm stuck on what to do because they're my friends and they're important to me. [ a pause. ] But then...there's the good of having friends who'll let me kind of ramble while I try not to completely unravel even if Will's only going to be gone for three days.
[ given the way he subconsciously tightens his grip, there are circumstances about that part that still bother him and they all circle around will having to die. ]
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she shifts just a little bit so she can make it a bit more comfy for him to curl up.]
You can worry about yourself for half a second. [she mutters.] Your friends are fine.
[a pause, as she feels his grip tighten.] It's not permanent. Just keep reminding yourself.
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[ ...hopefully. he's leaning into her. ] ...I think I keep thinking about other people who were only supposed to be gone for a few days and never came home. I know that's not the case here, but...unlearning old responses has been a pain.
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[she tucks his hair behind his ear.]
It's hard to... [she pauses, and then stops. changes tracks.] Time's the only thing that helps that I think, and not even time helps, sometimes.
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[like that they're not all going to eventually leave you. but she's not getting into that. she knows he's the same way, anyway.]
That time thing again. I've been around a while so. Old habits. Like you said.
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Mmh. [ it's brief acknowledgement and then he's moving on. ] You kind of have to wonder if they're all things you can unlearn or if there are some habits you're stuck with forever because you keep being proven they're true. These days I'm better at believing with effort that things can be retaught in a different way.
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... Hopefully you can keep believing that.
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