[ she bonks him in the face with their hands and he just turns around and kisses her head with a loud, annoying smack. ]
I'm proud of you for recognizing that that's a really dumb thought. [ lmaoooo. but he seems...actually proud, weirdly. and fond. and a little exasperated in a "nimona, please." sort of way. ] Just because this is more friends I've had at the same time than I've probably actually had my entire life doesn't mean I'm going to forget my best friend.
[ which. to him, she's more than that, but he doesn't really know how to phrase it since he obviously has a sister, but it's the same kind of vibe. you know? yeah. ]
[WEH SHE GETS EMBARRASSED it's like a big wave of baby emotions. she's a little overwhelmed by it. she bats at him when he kisses her head, her ears going pink, but it's not very serious. maybe she's secretly pleased. just a little.
she holds his hand very tightly.]
I know. [she grumbles, but - she forgets, sometimes, and has to remind herself. it's the sharing thing, right? learning how to not dig your claws into the only thing that keeps you steady and dragging it down with you. it's so easy to overcorrect from i hate you all, i'd sell you all out to don't ever leave or else. she's being conscientious about it, to make sure that doesn't happen, to make sure she doesn't smother the life out of the things she wants to hold onto.]
This is way more friends than I've ever had, also. [and she's terrified to lose them, but she's letting herself believe she won't.] You're...
[ they're so similar because if anyone did this to him this would be the same reaction except maybe like 30% more bitchiness. his emotions seem to stay hovering at amused as he watches this happen, and he outright laughs a little when she bats at him and he pulls his head away. he lets a thumb smooth over her knuckles when she tightens the grip on his hand and he kind of settles for a smile while she processes that.
but. he thinks he sort of understands a little of where she's coming from. ]
It's, like, scary sometimes to have these kinds of friends. When you're not used to it, you kind of wonder how long you get to keep them because it's hard to imagine it'll be longer than you've had before. [ glancing at a fish, as if debating how big it might grow. ] ...even now sometimes I can get kind of jealous if Will's paying attention to other people besides me. And when Jason was still here, I spent a lot of time wondering when he'd stop hanging out with me and would go back to his other, better friends, even when he insisted on sticking around.
she's so huffy because she's thoroughly embarrassed to be Seen like this. sometimes you traumabond to a boy so bad that - well, yeah, like he says, you wonder when he's going to remember that he has better, happier friends to go with. she's reassured, at least he can feel that, but also she's going to fucking die.]
I'm not jealous, you're not that cool. [except for how he didn't say that she was jealous, and except for how he is, and she can't bring any sort of heat to it, because she loves him so much that she'd do anything for him. that's obvious. even if she has a hard time saying it.]
Not as cool as Saya, right? [ he will go back to being sappy and sincere at her in a second he has to bully the shit out of her to recalibrate and get her to be embarrassed in a whole other direction. but also, again, to assure her that she's pretty stuck with him for as long as she can handle it. which...well, maybe that's a different kind of forever, too. he's learning a lot about different kinds of love that he thought he'd never really ever be able to feel as intensely again. for friends. for people he thinks of as family. those little pieces he needs to rebuild himself into a whole person. nimona makes him feel a little more whole, and he has to hope maybe he does the same for her, too. ]
Yeah, actually! She's way cooler than you'll ever be, have you seen her? [die!!! except don't. she's never been teased about this sort of thing before and it's a novelty. it's... god, it's weird to feel like an actual teenager. like someone who isn't a thousand years old, waiting for someone to put a sword through her heart.]
[ he just kind of dances out of the way of the kick, except they're still holding hands so he actually sort of drags her with him like an idiot? and he's also laughing a little more openly at this.
and that's the thing, isn't it? it's a novelty to be an actual teenager. to not be seen as a monster. to not be seen as someone born with an unfortunate lineage that disgraced the gods. to not be old and tired and wondering how much more misery you can take on in your life that feels both far too long and not long enough. it's new and exciting and confusing and overwhelming to be able to be with other people who let you just...kind of be yourself, enjoy new things be the kid you never really got to be. ]
I mean, yeah? I have, and you're right, she's really cool. She's also much cuter than me. [ DON'T MAKE IT WORSE. ]
it's been - well, look, she's not sure she's ever liked someone the way that nico's teasing her about, not really. gloreth, maybe, but that... well. that was a lot, and it didn't end well, and in the end she's still not sure how she feels about it. she likes saya, but mostly she just wants to hang out with saya forever. it's been crazy to know that there's someone just like her who wants to stay.
which is why she's putting the tiny eldritch being in a backpack and bringing her with her.]
That's not hard, everybody is cuter than you. [she says, but she's laughing too as he drags her with him, leaving a burst of tulips and sunflowers behind her. a beat, and then:] If I went with you, could I bring her too?
[ hehe? honestly he doesn't even know if this is true, he just thinks it's extremely funny to tease her when her bias for saya is so blatantly obvious. he doesn't push her either way, figuring if she really hated being teased about it she'd tell him to shut up.
(it's not the same. it's not the same as a terrible god forcing you to admit to the things you couldn't bring yourself to say, to the feelings you were ashamed of.)
also considering he's probably in dumb distressed jeans, another slight crop top and an oversized hoodie she's right, everybody is cuter than him. even with the eyeliner he's wearing again. this has nothing to do with anything i just felt like it was important. ]
Tell me something I don't know. [ he says it like a joke, but there is a brief flash of something awkward and insecure with that as the thumb of his free hand spins a ring around his finger. but the flowers cheer him up almost immediately, and he hears the question and shrugs. ]
Yeah, obviously. You think she'd want to? I know she'll go wherever you are, but you've heard what our world's like.
[stop don't be insecure she's just teasing!! she feels that, though, and it does make her make a note to herself to not joke about that again. she's a rude fuck but not when people are sensitive about things.]
I don't think she really cares what world it is. [she says, thoughtfully.] Just as long as we stick together.
[there's a little pause, and then:] ... Are you too mad at Hanako to see him again after this?
[because - she's made some promises to him, too, but they don't have to include nico, the way that nico's been understanding about danny.]
[ it's only insecure because he's still very much trying to decide how he feels about his looks and trying to wear things that don't swallow his entire person, it's fine. don't look at him. ]
Then yeah. We'll bring Saya, too. Will's not going to say no and it's not like Saya's not our friend anyway. [ the question about hanako, unfortunately, gets a rapidfire of emotions that zip by way too fast for her to actually process, wildly flipping between angry and upset and hurt and confused and understanding and annoyed and back around to indifferent as much as he can. ]
I don't know. [ he's. he's pretty mad. ] ...do you understand why I'm mad in the first place? [ he's not really expecting her to, he's just curious what she thinks. ]
[oof those emotions are like a bunch of little punches to the chest. her own emotions are quiet for once. apprehensive, the way a dog in the corner watching someone approach might be.]
... Because he put you and Will up there. And he made you hurt him. [is her guess.]
...yes and no. [ this is where she can probably feel him drawing his emotions back in to quiet them down again. ] I don't know if Mouse is right and that Will would've been there even without Hanako's votes. But I think...if he could do this, why did he save them until the end? Why Will?
And why avoid it and then refuse to answer until he physically couldn't? He...actually seemed to express concern like he gave a shit if Will and I were fine. But maybe that was my mistake for thinking it actually meant anything outside of generally covering his tracks.
I don't know. I don't know why he does anything. He's got weird logic for stuff, and he - he doesn't have a problem with killing people he cares about. [she rubs her face a bit.] He was concerned about the quota getting filled when I talked to him.
So maybe he thought - maybe he thought it'd only count if Will got caught. Or maybe he just didn't want to get voted for. Or maybe he didn't even think. Maybe he just thought it doesn't matter, Will's coming back anyway. [...] I think he probably would've used all of them at the end regardless of whether it was Will or not.
[she glances at nico, with a tired frown.]
He promised me I wasn't going to be the only Tiger left, but he broke that promise to make sure I didn't die. So it's... [hard for her to be mad at him.]
[ he doesn't know if he cares. but that's irrational, so he's thinking it through again. all of that makes sense, but it...changes a few things in his own head that he'll have to deal with on his own later. ]
Yeah, I know. [ he has seen some memories. ] Stupid, when we know the quota's been met plenty of times by people who weren't caught. I think I'd been pretty mad even if it wasn't Will, but I...
[ it's a ripple of almost, like, anguish when he thinks too long about the other part. that people voted a certain way and put the two of them in an arena and forced the two of them to do things they'd promised not to do. it wasn't a three-headed dog versus a large python this time. it was two teenagers who couldn't change things. ]
Not thinking about that, or thinking about it as frivolously as that is dangerous. [ bottom line. but he sighs. ] So he did kill Danny. And Vane. [ because what else could he have done to break the promise of making sure Nimona wasn't the only tiger left? ]
...just like with Danny, I'm not going to tell you how you should feel. If you aren't mad at him, I'm not going to be mad at you for it. You should be able to feel how you feel about it without thinking about my own feelings.
[she looks a little like... sheepish, when he says that. she figured nico's smart enough to make the connection. it wasn't really her secret to tell - but it's a lot of context for why she's finding it hard to just cut hanako out.]
I guess - he just didn't know, you know? I think all of us did. We all knew the Foxes still had to and were going to, they were planning it, but Hanako didn't know. So he freaked out and did the thing that comes naturally to him. [which is murder. like, that's bad. she knows it is, but. knowing his reason for it and knowing that he was doing it to save people in an incredibly fucked up way made the difference for her.
she rubs at her face.]
... He didn't lie to me, either. [which was. very important to her, almost more than anything. he told her the truth.
but she knows it was horrible for nico. she knows the two of them being forced to do what they did was traumatizing, and even if will was going to come back, it would've scarred if it'd just ended like that. it didn't, and she thinks that's important too, but still - it happened at all.]
I'm not not mad. [she says, looking away.] I don't like that it upset you. I don't know.
[ at this rate he's kind of like "well, that's going to be hanako's problem to deal with when they come back" and he thinks that after all of this, he's not going to be the one to defend him.
(worse, he knows other people will. even if they had realized hanako was guilty in the trial itself, there's a chance people would have covered for hanako and things would turn out this way. he's even more grateful now that jolyne had the foresight to realize what might happen.)
he thinks hanako could have just asked foxes if they were covered, like he had asked nico.
but he's not going to try to justify these things. ]
It wasn't his place to meddle. And if his concern was a Fox murdering, this doesn't explain killing Vane, too, except to cover his own tracks and leave a different Fox to take the fall. [ which is still, like, not entirely okay. because he doesn't think it would have counted toward the fox quota if vane was compelled, but what does he know? ]
...I know he's important to you. So I'm not putting you in the middle of this. [ but it's also undeniable he's upset about it for multiple reasons, including ones he hasn't said. ]
[she's quiet again. when she shifts, all the flowers are wilting.]
No, but I'm not dumb, Nico, I know you're mad. [she can feel it. and it's a little like danny, too, where he told her she didn't have to forgive him, but she felt bad for being the only one who didn't.
she doesn't like morals, actually, and friends are hard.]
You know I'm not - trying to make excuses for him. [...] I don't know what I'm doing.
...I'm not denying that I'm mad. I'm kind of furious because...I promised to help him, too. And I should have been more careful. And I get that maybe people don't really understand or think it's an exaggeration how much I need Will, but...[ but moving away from that, even. he shrugs because he feels frustrated, and a little ashamed in a weird, sort of fucked up angle. ] I know you're not making excuses, but you have a different friendship with him than I do. You know things a little better. I don't think you have to know what you're doing all the time though. None of us really do.
[she rubs at her nose angrily with her free hand. wrinkles her expression up stubbornly. she's all over the place - there's that kind of like about to cry emotion that she is swallowing down roughly, with a lot of guilt and a lot of something that feels a little like loyalty being pulled at in two different directions. it's a bad position, but she knows he's not putting her in the middle of it, making an effort to.
so she just takes a second, and calms down.]
Okay. [...] Can we go back to figuring out what we're doing for Ace and Reigen?
[ he hates that emotion, actually, and shifts his own to be a little lighter. or, at least, try. he takes a breath, frowning softly before he nods. he refuses to make her choose anything like this. ]
...yeah. [ please. ] Flags for Ace, treats for Reigen. The teapot came in this morning, and I've got some ideas of a blend. Did we still want to try to make him ramen? We can do something extra for Ace, too.
Something mild. Like vanilla and lemon and something else. [ but he grins to that. ] Spaghetti? Seriously? I mean we could. ...I think I remember how to make this sauce my mom used for our pastas when I was really little.
[she likes that, which he can probably tell. swingy hands...]
Yeah, I don't know what his weird obsession with it is. [she manages a little smile.] ... That'd be kind of cool, you know? If you shared a little bit of yourself like that.
[she doesn't have anything like that, but she likes the idea.]
Why does Ace like anything? [ haha. ] Let's go shopping tomorrow then. We can make everything fresh and then haul it onto the boat for everybody with our aquarium and hang out like we all used to.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'm proud of you for recognizing that that's a really dumb thought. [ lmaoooo. but he seems...actually proud, weirdly. and fond. and a little exasperated in a "nimona, please." sort of way. ] Just because this is more friends I've had at the same time than I've probably actually had my entire life doesn't mean I'm going to forget my best friend.
[ which. to him, she's more than that, but he doesn't really know how to phrase it since he obviously has a sister, but it's the same kind of vibe. you know? yeah. ]
no subject
she holds his hand very tightly.]
I know. [she grumbles, but - she forgets, sometimes, and has to remind herself. it's the sharing thing, right? learning how to not dig your claws into the only thing that keeps you steady and dragging it down with you. it's so easy to overcorrect from i hate you all, i'd sell you all out to don't ever leave or else. she's being conscientious about it, to make sure that doesn't happen, to make sure she doesn't smother the life out of the things she wants to hold onto.]
This is way more friends than I've ever had, also. [and she's terrified to lose them, but she's letting herself believe she won't.] You're...
[she starts, and then gets flustered again.]
Fine, I guess. [stop be GENUINE]
no subject
but. he thinks he sort of understands a little of where she's coming from. ]
It's, like, scary sometimes to have these kinds of friends. When you're not used to it, you kind of wonder how long you get to keep them because it's hard to imagine it'll be longer than you've had before. [ glancing at a fish, as if debating how big it might grow. ] ...even now sometimes I can get kind of jealous if Will's paying attention to other people besides me. And when Jason was still here, I spent a lot of time wondering when he'd stop hanging out with me and would go back to his other, better friends, even when he insisted on sticking around.
no subject
she's so huffy because she's thoroughly embarrassed to be Seen like this. sometimes you traumabond to a boy so bad that - well, yeah, like he says, you wonder when he's going to remember that he has better, happier friends to go with. she's reassured, at least he can feel that, but also she's going to fucking die.]
I'm not jealous, you're not that cool. [except for how he didn't say that she was jealous, and except for how he is, and she can't bring any sort of heat to it, because she loves him so much that she'd do anything for him. that's obvious. even if she has a hard time saying it.]
no subject
there is just. sudden. gremlin energy.
and a serene little smile... ]
Not as cool as Saya, right? [ he will go back to being sappy and sincere at her in a second he has to bully the shit out of her to recalibrate and get her to be embarrassed in a whole other direction. but also, again, to assure her that she's pretty stuck with him for as long as she can handle it. which...well, maybe that's a different kind of forever, too. he's learning a lot about different kinds of love that he thought he'd never really ever be able to feel as intensely again. for friends. for people he thinks of as family. those little pieces he needs to rebuild himself into a whole person. nimona makes him feel a little more whole, and he has to hope maybe he does the same for her, too. ]
no subject
she splutters, and kicks at him vaguely.]
Yeah, actually! She's way cooler than you'll ever be, have you seen her? [die!!! except don't. she's never been teased about this sort of thing before and it's a novelty. it's... god, it's weird to feel like an actual teenager. like someone who isn't a thousand years old, waiting for someone to put a sword through her heart.]
no subject
and that's the thing, isn't it? it's a novelty to be an actual teenager. to not be seen as a monster. to not be seen as someone born with an unfortunate lineage that disgraced the gods. to not be old and tired and wondering how much more misery you can take on in your life that feels both far too long and not long enough. it's new and exciting and confusing and overwhelming to be able to be with other people who let you just...kind of be yourself, enjoy new things be the kid you never really got to be. ]
I mean, yeah? I have, and you're right, she's really cool. She's also much cuter than me. [ DON'T MAKE IT WORSE. ]
no subject
it's been - well, look, she's not sure she's ever liked someone the way that nico's teasing her about, not really. gloreth, maybe, but that... well. that was a lot, and it didn't end well, and in the end she's still not sure how she feels about it. she likes saya, but mostly she just wants to hang out with saya forever. it's been crazy to know that there's someone just like her who wants to stay.
which is why she's putting the tiny eldritch being in a backpack and bringing her with her.]
That's not hard, everybody is cuter than you. [she says, but she's laughing too as he drags her with him, leaving a burst of tulips and sunflowers behind her. a beat, and then:] If I went with you, could I bring her too?
no subject
(it's not the same. it's not the same as a terrible god forcing you to admit to the things you couldn't bring yourself to say, to the feelings you were ashamed of.)
also considering he's probably in dumb distressed jeans, another slight crop top and an oversized hoodie she's right, everybody is cuter than him. even with the eyeliner he's wearing again. this has nothing to do with anything i just felt like it was important. ]
Tell me something I don't know. [ he says it like a joke, but there is a brief flash of something awkward and insecure with that as the thumb of his free hand spins a ring around his finger. but the flowers cheer him up almost immediately, and he hears the question and shrugs. ]
Yeah, obviously. You think she'd want to? I know she'll go wherever you are, but you've heard what our world's like.
no subject
I don't think she really cares what world it is. [she says, thoughtfully.] Just as long as we stick together.
[there's a little pause, and then:] ... Are you too mad at Hanako to see him again after this?
[because - she's made some promises to him, too, but they don't have to include nico, the way that nico's been understanding about danny.]
no subject
Then yeah. We'll bring Saya, too. Will's not going to say no and it's not like Saya's not our friend anyway. [ the question about hanako, unfortunately, gets a rapidfire of emotions that zip by way too fast for her to actually process, wildly flipping between angry and upset and hurt and confused and understanding and annoyed and back around to indifferent as much as he can. ]
I don't know. [ he's. he's pretty mad. ] ...do you understand why I'm mad in the first place? [ he's not really expecting her to, he's just curious what she thinks. ]
no subject
... Because he put you and Will up there. And he made you hurt him. [is her guess.]
no subject
And why avoid it and then refuse to answer until he physically couldn't? He...actually seemed to express concern like he gave a shit if Will and I were fine. But maybe that was my mistake for thinking it actually meant anything outside of generally covering his tracks.
no subject
I don't know. I don't know why he does anything. He's got weird logic for stuff, and he - he doesn't have a problem with killing people he cares about. [she rubs her face a bit.] He was concerned about the quota getting filled when I talked to him.
So maybe he thought - maybe he thought it'd only count if Will got caught. Or maybe he just didn't want to get voted for. Or maybe he didn't even think. Maybe he just thought it doesn't matter, Will's coming back anyway. [...] I think he probably would've used all of them at the end regardless of whether it was Will or not.
[she glances at nico, with a tired frown.]
He promised me I wasn't going to be the only Tiger left, but he broke that promise to make sure I didn't die. So it's... [hard for her to be mad at him.]
no subject
Yeah, I know. [ he has seen some memories. ] Stupid, when we know the quota's been met plenty of times by people who weren't caught. I think I'd been pretty mad even if it wasn't Will, but I...
[ it's a ripple of almost, like, anguish when he thinks too long about the other part. that people voted a certain way and put the two of them in an arena and forced the two of them to do things they'd promised not to do. it wasn't a three-headed dog versus a large python this time. it was two teenagers who couldn't change things. ]
Not thinking about that, or thinking about it as frivolously as that is dangerous. [ bottom line. but he sighs. ] So he did kill Danny. And Vane. [ because what else could he have done to break the promise of making sure Nimona wasn't the only tiger left? ]
...just like with Danny, I'm not going to tell you how you should feel. If you aren't mad at him, I'm not going to be mad at you for it. You should be able to feel how you feel about it without thinking about my own feelings.
no subject
I guess - he just didn't know, you know? I think all of us did. We all knew the Foxes still had to and were going to, they were planning it, but Hanako didn't know. So he freaked out and did the thing that comes naturally to him. [which is murder. like, that's bad. she knows it is, but. knowing his reason for it and knowing that he was doing it to save people in an incredibly fucked up way made the difference for her.
she rubs at her face.]
... He didn't lie to me, either. [which was. very important to her, almost more than anything. he told her the truth.
but she knows it was horrible for nico. she knows the two of them being forced to do what they did was traumatizing, and even if will was going to come back, it would've scarred if it'd just ended like that. it didn't, and she thinks that's important too, but still - it happened at all.]
I'm not not mad. [she says, looking away.] I don't like that it upset you. I don't know.
no subject
(worse, he knows other people will. even if they had realized hanako was guilty in the trial itself, there's a chance people would have covered for hanako and things would turn out this way. he's even more grateful now that jolyne had the foresight to realize what might happen.)
he thinks hanako could have just asked foxes if they were covered, like he had asked nico.
but he's not going to try to justify these things. ]
It wasn't his place to meddle. And if his concern was a Fox murdering, this doesn't explain killing Vane, too, except to cover his own tracks and leave a different Fox to take the fall. [ which is still, like, not entirely okay. because he doesn't think it would have counted toward the fox quota if vane was compelled, but what does he know? ]
...I know he's important to you. So I'm not putting you in the middle of this. [ but it's also undeniable he's upset about it for multiple reasons, including ones he hasn't said. ]
no subject
No, but I'm not dumb, Nico, I know you're mad. [she can feel it. and it's a little like danny, too, where he told her she didn't have to forgive him, but she felt bad for being the only one who didn't.
she doesn't like morals, actually, and friends are hard.]
You know I'm not - trying to make excuses for him. [...] I don't know what I'm doing.
no subject
...I'm not denying that I'm mad. I'm kind of furious because...I promised to help him, too. And I should have been more careful. And I get that maybe people don't really understand or think it's an exaggeration how much I need Will, but...[ but moving away from that, even. he shrugs because he feels frustrated, and a little ashamed in a weird, sort of fucked up angle. ] I know you're not making excuses, but you have a different friendship with him than I do. You know things a little better. I don't think you have to know what you're doing all the time though. None of us really do.
no subject
so she just takes a second, and calms down.]
Okay. [...] Can we go back to figuring out what we're doing for Ace and Reigen?
[that feels a little safer.]
no subject
...yeah. [ please. ] Flags for Ace, treats for Reigen. The teapot came in this morning, and I've got some ideas of a blend. Did we still want to try to make him ramen? We can do something extra for Ace, too.
no subject
Um - yeah. I do. [she clears her throat.] What kind of blend? And -- we can do something for Ace too, with the food.
[a beat, and then a weak attempt at a joke:] He kept talking about putting spaghetti on my stupid flag, maybe we should make that.
no subject
Something mild. Like vanilla and lemon and something else. [ but he grins to that. ] Spaghetti? Seriously? I mean we could. ...I think I remember how to make this sauce my mom used for our pastas when I was really little.
no subject
Yeah, I don't know what his weird obsession with it is. [she manages a little smile.] ... That'd be kind of cool, you know? If you shared a little bit of yourself like that.
[she doesn't have anything like that, but she likes the idea.]
no subject
[ simple, happy things. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)