[she feels a little too feral to speak, a little too much like the multitude of creatures she shifted into in order to get away from the villagers that burned her. too much like the monster she was when she got spirited away. she wonders what happened. if ballister just would never look for her. if he would ever change anything, if he's going to die because she's not there.
maybe it doesn't matter.
it won't happen again. it's the millionth time she's heard this, but she wants so desperately to believe that nico isn't lying to her. that he wouldn't.
she could be angry. she could scream or she could hiss or she could say get the fuck away from me, but she doesn't. if it was someone different, maybe she would. but not with nico.
instead, she gets up, and she moves to him, and she rests her head against his outstretched hand, her ears pinned back, her whole body shaking like a leaf. please. please don't hurt her, she can't take it one more time. she wasn't going to, before she got here, she wasn't going to let anything stop her from being what the director wanted. what ballister expected. what everybody always expects.
[ he doesn't move even when she does approach finally, though there's a silent "thank you" in his head as she comes inch by inch, slowly creeping across the room and settling in his hand. he doesn't move. he keeps his hand steady for her to rest against, strong and stable until she feels like she's able to move or speak or even think.
it's a terrifying thing, being trapped in your own mind. being too angry and too scared and too buried in your own fears and pain and suffering to recognize what is and isn't real. it's horrifying to think "what would it matter if i really became what they think i am?" and find that you may mean it. it's devastating to build your hopes up and still never really know if this will finally be the thing to send the foundation you've painstakingly built again crumbling again.
so he's quiet. he lets her rest in his hand, and he thinks quietly about some of the things that have worked for him. what he might be able to do for her. what she may be thinking. and so... ]
Thank you. [ he says it out loud, and he keeps his tone calm and quiet. ] ...can I touch you? Is that okay right now?
[ he would like to pet her or maybe pick her up, something of a comforting gesture to help with the shaking, but he knows how much he hates being touched so often. it'd be shitty if he didn't think to ask right now. ]
because as much as she doesn't like being touched sometimes, it's only because she's afraid it'll hurt. she thinks about the blanket nest and she thinks about holding his hand, and she lets out a shivery little sigh and leans tiredly against his hand. he can pick her up if he wants.]
[the consent is enough for him to carefully take both hands to pick her up and secure her in his grip, leaning back against the bed on the floor and cradling her to his chest to just hold onto her. he can't hug her human form, so cat cuddles will have to do. he doesn't pet her because he's worried about overstimulating her while she's still scared, but he does keep her close and tucks her under his chin. ]
I'm sorry you didn't get a choice to tell me yourself. It's an awful thing to happen, but somehow even more awful to have someone else learn before you're ready to tell them. If you ever could at all.
[this is good. this is fine, actually, because he can just hold all of her and that feels a little better. like she's not going to burst into a million pieces. like she's not going to explode into smoke. she wonders if that's possible here. if they'd stop her, or let her.
she curls up very tightly where he's holding her under his chin.
a pause, and then, unsteadily:] I've never... I've never told anybody. Ever.
[ as a cat, she's small enough that both of his hands can cup around her and keep her safe. he's not going to make her change back. he's not going to push her away, and instead tucks himself around her a little tighter. ]
...yeah, I had a feeling. [ how the fuck could you tell someone like that? ] I'm not going to tell anyone. I...just want to help make it more okay, if that's even possible.
[ it's a rough memory. a rough experience. he can't really think of how badly it must have felt. (or maybe he can get close and that's why he's so adamant about helping her through this.) ]
[ understandable. sometimes you want to kill people.
sometimes you want to hurt everyone until your own hurt stops. but he lets his thumbs stroke over her fur and listens. ]
...sometimes it feels like the only answer when things get too out of hand. [ he doesn't necessarily agree with it, but he understands. ] And what about now? Is the ending back in the rewriting phase?
[the thing is, she doesn't agree with it either. she doesn't want to hurt people. she wants to stop hurting, and the only way to figure out how to make it stop was to make herself so much of a problem that they couldn't do anything but end her. and if they couldn't do that, she'd do it herself.
her paws knead absently at nico.]
I want it to be. [she says, finally.] I can't do it again. I won't.
You won't have to. [ it's said almost immediately, maybe too firmly but nevertheless sincere. if there's anything any of them can do about it, he refuses to let her continue to hurt. he refuses to let her be ignored and forgotten and villainized for being different. he refuses to let her become so consumed with pain that the only answer is to deliver pain back.
as if he could do that by himself. but...there are a lot of them now. there are people who care for her who won't let her fall back into this story. ]
We're together still, and we're not leaving you behind. We'll rewrite your ending together.
[she's quiet for a minute, just... trying to let herself believe this. you don't have to be alone and it won't happen again. he's here. they're all here, they all keep holding out their hands. and it's scary, and she is always just one step away from quitting, but.
sometimes you have to keep hammering it in, and eventually it starts to stick.
she shifts, pressing up into his hands, against his chin, with a faint, tired little purr.]
[ she presses into his chin and he ducks his head down to press a quick kiss to the top of her head, right between her ears. ]
...this is hard. I know it's hard on you, but I am proud of you for letting us try. Remember that. [ he's proud she's letting them get close and for letting herself try. but unfortunately it's memshare, so there is now a new comic panel appearing with a nico from about a year ago. ]
Edited (no wrong memory you might get that later tbh but no!!!) 2023-10-17 19:43 (UTC)
[Love is no game! It is no flowery softness! It is hard work — a quest that never ends. It demands everything from you — especially the truth. Only then does it yield rewards.
but it helps, too. it's hard, and it's terrifying, and worth it, and it can make you feel like you want to die but like you could do anything, too. and so when he kisses the top of her head, when she watches him confront a god - there's a million things that she thinks all at once, but.
a pause.]
... Nico. [she starts, hesitantly, curling closer. trying to figure out where his head is at. it's a lot, and... well, that's jason, she thinks.]
[ ...oh boy. well. he was not really sure what would happen or if this would happen, but even as he's witnessing the panels themselves he kind of feels himself grow cold the longer it goes. this was it. this was something that still haunted his nightmares even now, this was something that...actually, really, has its own physical manifestation in the form of a cute cacodemon. this was something that had torn into him so deeply at the time, and even now he thinks "you were so much better than me even then."
so the comic ends and nimona says his name and he's just kind of trying to wrestle back a wall of emotions he doesn't want to actually show her because he already showed her he's still weak about several things, like, two days ago. so he looks at the ceiling to try and avoid her gaze and he ignores the slight, uneasy shakiness in his tone when he replies. ]
Like I said. It sucks when you don't get the choice of when to tell people things yourself.
[ there's a soft, kind of exhausted laugh. but he does pet her again anyway. ]
I feel like...I've done so much talking in the last month and a half than I have my entire life. [ counting here and the last week or so he was at home. ] It's a lot, but...[ ... ] It's you.
[ which doesn't really explain anything, except for the part where he thinks nimona will understand that he never wants to talk about these things but for her he absolutely will, because she deserves the chance to ask what she wants to ask. ]
[god that's such a mood though. she's done more talking about her feelings in this place than she has in like a thousand years. so she's going to let it drop, but he says it's you, and she pauses.
the trust inherent in that is a lot. it takes her a second to figure out what she even wants to say.]
[ there's just a tired, almost-sad sigh but he nods. ]
Golden boy Jason Grace. Son of Jupiter, praetor of the Twelfth Legion until he appointed someone he thought was more worthy and deserved the honor. [ ... ] ...Jason is one of the reasons I finally wanted to start learning how to not hate myself. And he was the first person in a really, really long time that actually said he was my friend. He was half the reason I decided to stay at Camp Half-Blood after the war with Gaea.
Yes. But it took a while to get there. I think when we first met, Jason didn't know what to do with me just like everybody else. But...he was the first to trust me without questioning. I could have killed him. He probably knew I could have if I tried. But he still trusted me when I told him to drink from a chalice of poison to continue with our journey to the House of Hades.
[ ... ]
For many years...people were never very kind to me once it became known I'm a son of Hades. Hades was always looked down upon by the other Olympians, and his children were usually treated just about the same. Like...you know. Unwanted. Like we were less than welcome. Maybe less than human sometimes, because what did it matter? I was just the creepy kid who spent more time hiding amongst the dead and living in the shadows. I didn't fit in with everyone else.
[ here he pauses again, petting over her fur and trying to work around words. ]
And of course that wasn't the only thing that set me apart from so many people. ...back when I was young, before Hades put Bianca and I in the hotel for all those years, it was...really, really unacceptable to be gay. The church said so, people around me said so, and even friends said so before they stopped playing with me, too. It was something to be ashamed of and something I couldn't let anyone know because...I didn't need one more thing making me unable to fit in. I never asked to be born like this. Sometimes I wondered why I was born like this, or even born at all. It was easier when Bianca was alive because she always accepted me no matter what, but she died when I was ten. I was alone after that.
Jason did his best to try and help me accept myself by accepting me. I once asked him if he'd take a risk in trusting me knowing what kind of person people saw me as. He told me later to take a risk and believe he was my friend and could accept me. That I had to stop hiding in the shadows just because I was afraid of getting rejected. Despite the fact I kept telling him he'd never understand, he never wavered on that point. It wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time, but it's what I needed to hear. After that, the way he treated me wasn't any different. It was...like he really treated me like an equal. And a friend. Over time, it got easier to believe that Jason would actually stay, and with that it got easier to start trusting other people like Reyna and Will put more faith in our other friends. It made it easier to really realize that Camp Half-Blood was my home, and that the people there were my family. I could be accepted there as long as I was willing to try.
[she's very good at listening. and she's relating, to all of this. it's funny, sometimes, how similar they are - how she can hear things she's thought about herself in the way he talks.
somehow, issues like certain sexualities being unacceptable is just not a thing in the kingdom, but. nimona the movie is one big allegory for transgender kids so it's not like this is completely unfamiliar to her, to hear this.
she lets him pet her as long as he wants.]
... That's stupid, first of all. [about it being not okay to be gay, but she doesn't linger on that too much because obviously he knows it's stupid. and she's obviously never had any problem with it. the acceptance is the bigger part of it. and, actually, before she says anything else at all:]
[ misfits finding misfits. maybe to nimona, now, she may see why nico talks to her the way he does. or maybe he'd always do that just because nico is very much himself. despite what the world saw him as and what he projected for most of his life, deep down he was still someone who cared too much about others and only wanted to be cared about in return.
a weird thought, really. but she says that it's stupid that being gay is unacceptable and he laughs a little, slightly watery and slightly amused because yeah? yeah it is stupid, and he knows it's stupid now, but it's still something to work through. and she continues...and he scritches her ears. ]
...if I didn't exist, I wouldn't have gotten to meet you. And that's something I'm really, really happy about. So I guess I'm glad I exist, too.
[her ear flicks, but she lets out a little shivery sigh, the kind you let out when all the adrenaline has finally left you. she kneads at his hand gently, no claws.]
It was a good thing you were born. [she tells him, firm.] ... And I'm glad Jason helped you figure yourself out.
[a beat.] I think - I think at this point I don't know what I'd have done if I didn't know you. So I guess he can get thanks from someone who never even knew him at all.
...he would've liked you. [ he says this with certainty. partially because nico likes her, but also because jason would've likely seen the potential in nimona, too. ] I...felt his death when it happened. By the time I got confirmation from Apollo, and by the time I tried to search myself, I couldn't find him. So I can only assume he tried for rebirth, but...I'll still thank him for everything as long as I remember him.
[ more to the point though: ] And anyway, now you can't get rid of me even if you tried, so.
Can you... [she starts, kind of curiously, but she trails off. she doesn't want to pry about his abilities and stuff - smallminded questions - so instead, she just shifts so she can curl up half against his neck and the crook of his shoulder.]
I might try. [she tells him, in a sort of exhausted way. it's maybe unexpectedly honest, but. she's really just too tired from having half a panic attack to not just be like i will get scared again.]
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maybe it doesn't matter.
it won't happen again. it's the millionth time she's heard this, but she wants so desperately to believe that nico isn't lying to her. that he wouldn't.
she could be angry. she could scream or she could hiss or she could say get the fuck away from me, but she doesn't. if it was someone different, maybe she would. but not with nico.
instead, she gets up, and she moves to him, and she rests her head against his outstretched hand, her ears pinned back, her whole body shaking like a leaf. please. please don't hurt her, she can't take it one more time. she wasn't going to, before she got here, she wasn't going to let anything stop her from being what the director wanted. what ballister expected. what everybody always expects.
she won't take it. not again.]
no subject
it's a terrifying thing, being trapped in your own mind. being too angry and too scared and too buried in your own fears and pain and suffering to recognize what is and isn't real. it's horrifying to think "what would it matter if i really became what they think i am?" and find that you may mean it. it's devastating to build your hopes up and still never really know if this will finally be the thing to send the foundation you've painstakingly built again crumbling again.
so he's quiet. he lets her rest in his hand, and he thinks quietly about some of the things that have worked for him. what he might be able to do for her. what she may be thinking. and so... ]
Thank you. [ he says it out loud, and he keeps his tone calm and quiet. ] ...can I touch you? Is that okay right now?
[ he would like to pet her or maybe pick her up, something of a comforting gesture to help with the shaking, but he knows how much he hates being touched so often. it'd be shitty if he didn't think to ask right now. ]
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because as much as she doesn't like being touched sometimes, it's only because she's afraid it'll hurt. she thinks about the blanket nest and she thinks about holding his hand, and she lets out a shivery little sigh and leans tiredly against his hand. he can pick her up if he wants.]
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I'm sorry you didn't get a choice to tell me yourself. It's an awful thing to happen, but somehow even more awful to have someone else learn before you're ready to tell them. If you ever could at all.
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she curls up very tightly where he's holding her under his chin.
a pause, and then, unsteadily:] I've never... I've never told anybody. Ever.
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...yeah, I had a feeling. [ how the fuck could you tell someone like that? ] I'm not going to tell anyone. I...just want to help make it more okay, if that's even possible.
[ it's a rough memory. a rough experience. he can't really think of how badly it must have felt. (or maybe he can get close and that's why he's so adamant about helping her through this.) ]
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silence for a little while longer, and then:]
I - I was... [she starts, a little distantly.] That was the ending I picked for myself. Before I got here.
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sometimes you want to hurt everyone until your own hurt stops. but he lets his thumbs stroke over her fur and listens. ]
...sometimes it feels like the only answer when things get too out of hand. [ he doesn't necessarily agree with it, but he understands. ] And what about now? Is the ending back in the rewriting phase?
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her paws knead absently at nico.]
I want it to be. [she says, finally.] I can't do it again. I won't.
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as if he could do that by himself. but...there are a lot of them now. there are people who care for her who won't let her fall back into this story. ]
We're together still, and we're not leaving you behind. We'll rewrite your ending together.
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sometimes you have to keep hammering it in, and eventually it starts to stick.
she shifts, pressing up into his hands, against his chin, with a faint, tired little purr.]
Okay.
[she can manage this much.]
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...this is hard. I know it's hard on you, but I am proud of you for letting us try. Remember that. [ he's proud she's letting them get close and for letting herself try. but unfortunately it's memshare, so there is now a new comic panel appearing with a nico from about a year ago. ]
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but it helps, too. it's hard, and it's terrifying, and worth it, and it can make you feel like you want to die but like you could do anything, too. and so when he kisses the top of her head, when she watches him confront a god - there's a million things that she thinks all at once, but.
a pause.]
... Nico. [she starts, hesitantly, curling closer. trying to figure out where his head is at. it's a lot, and... well, that's jason, she thinks.]
no subject
so the comic ends and nimona says his name and he's just kind of trying to wrestle back a wall of emotions he doesn't want to actually show her because he already showed her he's still weak about several things, like, two days ago. so he looks at the ceiling to try and avoid her gaze and he ignores the slight, uneasy shakiness in his tone when he replies. ]
Like I said. It sucks when you don't get the choice of when to tell people things yourself.
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Yeah. It does. [a beat.] Do you feel like talking about it?
[before she asks anything at all. or gets into it.]
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I feel like...I've done so much talking in the last month and a half than I have my entire life. [ counting here and the last week or so he was at home. ] It's a lot, but...[ ... ] It's you.
[ which doesn't really explain anything, except for the part where he thinks nimona will understand that he never wants to talk about these things but for her he absolutely will, because she deserves the chance to ask what she wants to ask. ]
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the trust inherent in that is a lot. it takes her a second to figure out what she even wants to say.]
... So that was Jason. [noses at him a little.]
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Golden boy Jason Grace. Son of Jupiter, praetor of the Twelfth Legion until he appointed someone he thought was more worthy and deserved the honor. [ ... ] ...Jason is one of the reasons I finally wanted to start learning how to not hate myself. And he was the first person in a really, really long time that actually said he was my friend. He was half the reason I decided to stay at Camp Half-Blood after the war with Gaea.
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she doesn't say that out loud, but.]
So he was really good for you.
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Yes. But it took a while to get there. I think when we first met, Jason didn't know what to do with me just like everybody else. But...he was the first to trust me without questioning. I could have killed him. He probably knew I could have if I tried. But he still trusted me when I told him to drink from a chalice of poison to continue with our journey to the House of Hades.
[ ... ]
For many years...people were never very kind to me once it became known I'm a son of Hades. Hades was always looked down upon by the other Olympians, and his children were usually treated just about the same. Like...you know. Unwanted. Like we were less than welcome. Maybe less than human sometimes, because what did it matter? I was just the creepy kid who spent more time hiding amongst the dead and living in the shadows. I didn't fit in with everyone else.
[ here he pauses again, petting over her fur and trying to work around words. ]
And of course that wasn't the only thing that set me apart from so many people. ...back when I was young, before Hades put Bianca and I in the hotel for all those years, it was...really, really unacceptable to be gay. The church said so, people around me said so, and even friends said so before they stopped playing with me, too. It was something to be ashamed of and something I couldn't let anyone know because...I didn't need one more thing making me unable to fit in. I never asked to be born like this. Sometimes I wondered why I was born like this, or even born at all. It was easier when Bianca was alive because she always accepted me no matter what, but she died when I was ten. I was alone after that.
Jason did his best to try and help me accept myself by accepting me. I once asked him if he'd take a risk in trusting me knowing what kind of person people saw me as. He told me later to take a risk and believe he was my friend and could accept me. That I had to stop hiding in the shadows just because I was afraid of getting rejected. Despite the fact I kept telling him he'd never understand, he never wavered on that point. It wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time, but it's what I needed to hear. After that, the way he treated me wasn't any different. It was...like he really treated me like an equal. And a friend. Over time, it got easier to believe that Jason would actually stay, and with that it got easier to start trusting other people like Reyna and Will put more faith in our other friends. It made it easier to really realize that Camp Half-Blood was my home, and that the people there were my family. I could be accepted there as long as I was willing to try.
no subject
somehow, issues like certain sexualities being unacceptable is just not a thing in the kingdom, but. nimona the movie is one big allegory for transgender kids so it's not like this is completely unfamiliar to her, to hear this.
she lets him pet her as long as he wants.]
... That's stupid, first of all. [about it being not okay to be gay, but she doesn't linger on that too much because obviously he knows it's stupid. and she's obviously never had any problem with it. the acceptance is the bigger part of it. and, actually, before she says anything else at all:]
I'm glad you exist.
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a weird thought, really. but she says that it's stupid that being gay is unacceptable and he laughs a little, slightly watery and slightly amused because yeah? yeah it is stupid, and he knows it's stupid now, but it's still something to work through. and she continues...and he scritches her ears. ]
...if I didn't exist, I wouldn't have gotten to meet you. And that's something I'm really, really happy about. So I guess I'm glad I exist, too.
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It was a good thing you were born. [she tells him, firm.] ... And I'm glad Jason helped you figure yourself out.
[a beat.] I think - I think at this point I don't know what I'd have done if I didn't know you. So I guess he can get thanks from someone who never even knew him at all.
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...he would've liked you. [ he says this with certainty. partially because nico likes her, but also because jason would've likely seen the potential in nimona, too. ] I...felt his death when it happened. By the time I got confirmation from Apollo, and by the time I tried to search myself, I couldn't find him. So I can only assume he tried for rebirth, but...I'll still thank him for everything as long as I remember him.
[ more to the point though: ] And anyway, now you can't get rid of me even if you tried, so.
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Can you... [she starts, kind of curiously, but she trails off. she doesn't want to pry about his abilities and stuff - smallminded questions - so instead, she just shifts so she can curl up half against his neck and the crook of his shoulder.]
I might try. [she tells him, in a sort of exhausted way. it's maybe unexpectedly honest, but. she's really just too tired from having half a panic attack to not just be like i will get scared again.]
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