I think... I had this bow. I was holding it when I woke up, and it was heavy. So we thought we should destroy it.
[silence, then:]
No. There weren't. There was a noise, so we went to go check it out, and there was - there was a creature at the end. And it was big and it was in so much pain, and I felt - I felt wrong, like I was going to be sick, but it didn't happen to the rest of them. My lantern didn't - it didn't turn blue like theirs, and I couldn't, I --
[another little flash of a panel, of a creature, wheezing in pain, clearly in misery, but it only looks like that for a second, because then it looks like ace, crumpled on the ground, bleeding and taking his last breaths.]
[ we really do just turn ace into whatever the fuck we want for our trauma.
anyway he again hates it. he is going to really feel this way the entire time she tells him this, because he sees the panel and he doesn't flinch but his expression flickers to something unsettled for a moment. ]
...breathe for a second. [ quiet advice, because he can only imagine the actual panic that came from the situation. especially because, uh, they all know ace died? nico himself actually saw the memory and he doesn't know if nimona did, too, but it makes his fingers twitch a little like he could rip the panel of memories apart. ] It wasn't real. Whatever you had to do, it didn't happen to our Ace.
...did the others...? [ what's the polite way of saying "who put ace out of his misery"? ]
anyway. she didn't see the memory, but it doesn't matter, because he told her. and it was all she could think about, imagining worse and worse and worse. she drags in a breath, but it doesn't really help.]
No. I didn't - you don't understand. [she says, with a little laugh that's just on the edge of hysterical.] I saw that and he asked me to kill him and my light went out.
[it was the last thing she could take. alone, watching everybody else walk through that dark space with the people who loved them. getting to the end, and seeing this creature, seeing ace coughing up blood and asking her, desperately, to end it for him, she couldn't do it. the light - the voice that kept her going, went out.]
his expression doesn't change, but that's mostly from years of practice. he doesn't let her go and he doesn't really move, shifting his head just slightly to look at her again. ]
...and so you did. [ he's a little lost on lights going out and lanterns, but he can sort of get the gist of it. ]
No, I didn't. I couldn't. [her voice breaks a little.] My lantern went out and I lost control of my shape. And I turned on the other three.
[she was so, so lonely. she watched one more person that she loves leave, and it turns out the worst version of it isn't when they think you're a monster, it's when they love you back, and they don't want to leave you.]
[just him being here is the only reason she hasn't thrown herself off a building, so - it helps. it helps a little to talk through it, to get it out where it won't rot.]
The fox guy stabbed me. I asked him to. [she's so noisy about being horrible, about being evil and monstrous, but - she doesn't want to hurt people. not the people who don't deserve it.]
[ really hate that nico is the only one of my characters who understands how therapy works. so he's brushing back her hair and he's holding her and he's frowning into space suddenly realizing why nimona didn't care very much about kogi. ]
Possibly. It's hard to tell what happens in those spaces. What's real and what isn't, and what does and doesn't count as death. [ ... ] I didn't...really tell you about this. When Will, Reigen and I were gone. A lot of the damage Will and I took came from each other. We...lost our shape, too. Turned into other things, and all we wanted to do was hurt each other to try and stop our own hurt.
[ why is he telling her this... ]
...just because it happened in there doesn't mean it's all that would happen here. Or that that's the only ending you can have. I want you to know that.
[yeah sometimes a guy stabs you and you don't really want to see him again even if he did do what you asked him to
she's quiet for a second, as she hears that. familiar. it's familiar, and she guesses that makes sense, considering it was a twisted version of her history.
she just... leans forward, and puts her forehead against his shoulder.]
[ he does his job of petting over her hair carefully and once again trying to hold her up and clean her off and be supportive while he nods to that. he doesn't make her sit up either. ]
It's hard. I know it is. But I'm not about to let you forget it.
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no subject
[silence, then:]
No. There weren't. There was a noise, so we went to go check it out, and there was - there was a creature at the end. And it was big and it was in so much pain, and I felt - I felt wrong, like I was going to be sick, but it didn't happen to the rest of them. My lantern didn't - it didn't turn blue like theirs, and I couldn't, I --
[another little flash of a panel, of a creature, wheezing in pain, clearly in misery, but it only looks like that for a second, because then it looks like ace, crumpled on the ground, bleeding and taking his last breaths.]
no subject
anyway he again hates it. he is going to really feel this way the entire time she tells him this, because he sees the panel and he doesn't flinch but his expression flickers to something unsettled for a moment. ]
...breathe for a second. [ quiet advice, because he can only imagine the actual panic that came from the situation. especially because, uh, they all know ace died? nico himself actually saw the memory and he doesn't know if nimona did, too, but it makes his fingers twitch a little like he could rip the panel of memories apart. ] It wasn't real. Whatever you had to do, it didn't happen to our Ace.
...did the others...? [ what's the polite way of saying "who put ace out of his misery"? ]
no subject
anyway. she didn't see the memory, but it doesn't matter, because he told her. and it was all she could think about, imagining worse and worse and worse. she drags in a breath, but it doesn't really help.]
No. I didn't - you don't understand. [she says, with a little laugh that's just on the edge of hysterical.] I saw that and he asked me to kill him and my light went out.
[it was the last thing she could take. alone, watching everybody else walk through that dark space with the people who loved them. getting to the end, and seeing this creature, seeing ace coughing up blood and asking her, desperately, to end it for him, she couldn't do it. the light - the voice that kept her going, went out.]
no subject
his expression doesn't change, but that's mostly from years of practice. he doesn't let her go and he doesn't really move, shifting his head just slightly to look at her again. ]
...and so you did. [ he's a little lost on lights going out and lanterns, but he can sort of get the gist of it. ]
no subject
[she shakes her head.]
No, I didn't. I couldn't. [her voice breaks a little.] My lantern went out and I lost control of my shape. And I turned on the other three.
[she was so, so lonely. she watched one more person that she loves leave, and it turns out the worst version of it isn't when they think you're a monster, it's when they love you back, and they don't want to leave you.]
Most of their injuries came from me.
no subject
... [ he doesn't actually know what to say right now, because he isn't sure what will help, isn't sure if what he has to say will help or hurt. ]
Were you able to regain control? Were the other three able to help...? [ how did this end, and he hates that he has to ask. ]
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The fox guy stabbed me. I asked him to. [she's so noisy about being horrible, about being evil and monstrous, but - she doesn't want to hurt people. not the people who don't deserve it.]
I think I died. I'm not sure.
no subject
Possibly. It's hard to tell what happens in those spaces. What's real and what isn't, and what does and doesn't count as death. [ ... ] I didn't...really tell you about this. When Will, Reigen and I were gone. A lot of the damage Will and I took came from each other. We...lost our shape, too. Turned into other things, and all we wanted to do was hurt each other to try and stop our own hurt.
[ why is he telling her this... ]
...just because it happened in there doesn't mean it's all that would happen here. Or that that's the only ending you can have. I want you to know that.
no subject
she's quiet for a second, as she hears that. familiar. it's familiar, and she guesses that makes sense, considering it was a twisted version of her history.
she just... leans forward, and puts her forehead against his shoulder.]
I'm trying. [to remember that.]
no subject
It's hard. I know it is. But I'm not about to let you forget it.