[ pets and lil ear scritchies to keep one hand busy. the other is busy clutching a tamagotchi and keeping an eye on it. ]
Then we'll be here for a while. I'm letting Will take a break from me for a bit. [ a joke, but...you know. he lets his gaze drift to the hat as he frowns softly. ] At least everything's over for today.
[ he looks a little worried when she says that even as he nods, but he brushes it off and continues petting her fur. ]
I've missed him since last night. It's...harder than I thought it'd be. We already knew this would be bad, but...to thank us for loving him. [ okay, no, his voice kind of breaks a little as he stares at the ceiling. can we not with the tears again, body? that'd be great. ] Like it was ever hard.
[god she's glad she doesn't have human tear ducts like this
anyway she nudges her head under his, curling closer. he can cry if he wants to - she knows that she can't go more than five minutes without wanting to.]
It was easy. I haven't... I haven't really told anybody that I love them for a long time. [but she told ace. and she told nico. and it was easier than she ever thought it could be.] I don't know if he got how much better my life was with him in it.
[ no he is so fucking tired of crying. he cried so much in the week before even coming to oceanside, and now this whole weekend. but he lets her curl up and he allows the nudge. ]
...I think he might have in a way. Maybe not the way we want, but a way. [ ...sigh. ] He told me last night that he thought it was kind of messed up, but he was kind of happy that we wanted him around so much that we were upset he was gonna leave. And I told him he was an idiot.
[ scritches with a finger. ]
Said we were the best part of this place for him. I tried to tell him he was a large part of that, too. I hope he understands now after today.
He said he knew he was hurting me but he was glad that I cared that much. [she says, closing her eyes.] And then he made me promise I was going to try and keep living.
[ he'd said similar to nico, and he thinks that ace is once again a fucking moron for not realizing how loved he'd always been up until it was too late. he's still looking at the ceiling and letting his hand pet over her spine, the weighted blanket pinning them both in for a little more security. there's a low hum of acknowledgement to that, because...thank you, ace. for making her make that promise. even if it feels annoying.
...but it's nimona, and she trails off and he looks down briefly to see her. ]
...you wanted what? [ gently prompting, because as always she never has to tell him anything. there's an option. he'd once told reigen that he thought people might forget how valuable just listening is, and it's something he tries to put forward for her specifically. even if he can't fix all of her problems, he can let her talk and listen before it festers inside of her and rots away the good that's slowly growing more and more every day. ]
[she hesitates, because she's kind of embarrassed.
she donks her head against his shoulder.]
I wanted to be a pirate. With him. And you, and Will, and like, Hanako, maybe, or Saya. Anybody who wanted. Ace said - he said at night, the stars reflect on the ocean, so it looks like you're surrounded by it on all sides. Like it could go on forever.
I already told him I was going to look into options. [ first of all. and this...is something he didn't want to tell her. ] On Monday. That's what I saw. I saw when it happened the first time, and how it happened. And I didn't...I couldn't. It wasn't fair to know why it happened, or how the world treated him back then.
[ and he'd cried then, too, because it was a feeling he understood way too well, and seeing someone he had come to love die like that was just a little too much on his unstable mind. ]
I asked if he would let me find a way for him. I think he thought it might be selfish, but...he wanted to go back to Luffy. If I could accomplish anything at all. He had a promise to fulfill to Sabo, and he can't if he never went home.
[she didn't ever see his death memory, but she didn't have to - he just told her. before that, though, it'd been about a world who didn't want him. and boy, did she relate to that.]
He has to go home. [...] He has to. I can't bring people back to life and he doesn't even have to - he doesn't have to bring me with him, but he has to live. So I'll do whatever I can.
...I'll figure out something. For him. And for Hanako's friend. And I'll figure out how to bring back anybody else, too. It's what I've been trying to work on in between things, but it's harder without my usual powers or anything. [ a pause. ] I don't want to leave people behind if they don't deserve to be. If their life isn't ready to be over. I think that applies to a lot of people right now.
[ but yeah. there's....that. ]
...I've seen a couple of people die this week in their memories and in my own. I think this one was just...the one I was least prepared for. [ he hasn't mentioned it, because nico di angelo usually keeps his problems to himself and stays quiet, but this week has been really awful for a multitude of reasons only to be topped off with losing two of the most important people he felt like he could actually trust and knowing how badly so many other people were hurting, too. ]
Nico. [she says, after a second, thinking about all of that, trying to wrestle her thoughts into place. try. try hard, she thinks to herself.] Do you trust me?
[ well. he's stupid and thinks she's doing it for her own comfort so there are more scritches. but he does raise an eyebrow and give her a slightly surprised look. ]
That's a dumb question. [ bluntly. but then, softer: ] Of course I do. I trust you more than most of the people here.
[she is like, a little flustered at how easy he says it. it takes her a second to say what she means to.]
Okay. Then - remember you can talk to me whenever. [don't let this stuff build up!! he's talking about it now, she just hates to think that he's suffering quietly.] I'm not good at this, ugh.
[kneads at him again]
Don't do all this stuff on your own, you don't have to. Is what I'm saying. I'm here for a reason.
[ she's just a little cat and somehow this makes him grin even if it's just kind of uneven and mostly because he thinks she's cute as a cat. ]
You're doing fine, Nimona. You're here because I want you to be. If I didn't...you wouldn't be able to find me. [ simply put. he's good at disappearing when he wants to. ] People keep saying that, and I know they're right because it's what I keep telling other people, but I guess I'm still trying to learn what is and isn't okay to trust other people with. If that makes sense. Like making sure something won't be too much for them, and trying to balance things out.
[ ... ]
...it's something Reigen and I talked about a lot. [ because in the end he trusted reigen far more than he ever anticipated, just because he made it feel like things would really be okay no matter what nico told him. ]
[that's concerning, because she doesn't want him to disappear either, but - it's fine, she just curls closer.]
Well, you're better than me at figuring it out. [grumbles.] ... You and Reigen talked a lot about balancing stuff?
[it's the same with her, honestly. reigen was full of shit a lot of the time, but he really had a way of talking her down from things. she figures it's the same for nico.]
[ as always, nimona can do whatever she wants and he does nothing to stop her. ]
I'm better at pretending I've figured stuff out. [ a gentle correction. ] Reigen and I talked about a lot of stuff. But yeah. Balancing things and my powers and my past and...a lot of things I'm still working through and probably will be for a long time. It's kind of funny because I told Ace once that I wasn't sure I could talk to Reigen because he felt almost too normal to bother with things, but I think he understood better than a lot of people instead.
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You did, and I don't want to. [be alone. she's - okay, right now, but it's tenuous. she's on a very thin string that is in danger of snapping.
ace's hat is sitting on the bed, for the record.]
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Then we'll be here for a while. I'm letting Will take a break from me for a bit. [ a joke, but...you know. he lets his gaze drift to the hat as he frowns softly. ] At least everything's over for today.
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Will better be sleeping. [she mumbles grouchily, kneading at nico. silence for a minute, and then:]
... I miss him already.
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I've missed him since last night. It's...harder than I thought it'd be. We already knew this would be bad, but...to thank us for loving him. [ okay, no, his voice kind of breaks a little as he stares at the ceiling. can we not with the tears again, body? that'd be great. ] Like it was ever hard.
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anyway she nudges her head under his, curling closer. he can cry if he wants to - she knows that she can't go more than five minutes without wanting to.]
It was easy. I haven't... I haven't really told anybody that I love them for a long time. [but she told ace. and she told nico. and it was easier than she ever thought it could be.] I don't know if he got how much better my life was with him in it.
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...I think he might have in a way. Maybe not the way we want, but a way. [ ...sigh. ] He told me last night that he thought it was kind of messed up, but he was kind of happy that we wanted him around so much that we were upset he was gonna leave. And I told him he was an idiot.
[ scritches with a finger. ]
Said we were the best part of this place for him. I tried to tell him he was a large part of that, too. I hope he understands now after today.
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He said he knew he was hurting me but he was glad that I cared that much. [she says, closing her eyes.] And then he made me promise I was going to try and keep living.
[which she sounds annoyed about but. you know.]
I wanted... [she starts, and then trails off.]
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...but it's nimona, and she trails off and he looks down briefly to see her. ]
...you wanted what? [ gently prompting, because as always she never has to tell him anything. there's an option. he'd once told reigen that he thought people might forget how valuable just listening is, and it's something he tries to put forward for her specifically. even if he can't fix all of her problems, he can let her talk and listen before it festers inside of her and rots away the good that's slowly growing more and more every day. ]
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she donks her head against his shoulder.]
I wanted to be a pirate. With him. And you, and Will, and like, Hanako, maybe, or Saya. Anybody who wanted. Ace said - he said at night, the stars reflect on the ocean, so it looks like you're surrounded by it on all sides. Like it could go on forever.
[...] I wanted to bring him back.
[i want to live, he'd said in that memory.]
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I already told him I was going to look into options. [ first of all. and this...is something he didn't want to tell her. ] On Monday. That's what I saw. I saw when it happened the first time, and how it happened. And I didn't...I couldn't. It wasn't fair to know why it happened, or how the world treated him back then.
[ and he'd cried then, too, because it was a feeling he understood way too well, and seeing someone he had come to love die like that was just a little too much on his unstable mind. ]
I asked if he would let me find a way for him. I think he thought it might be selfish, but...he wanted to go back to Luffy. If I could accomplish anything at all. He had a promise to fulfill to Sabo, and he can't if he never went home.
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He has to go home. [...] He has to. I can't bring people back to life and he doesn't even have to - he doesn't have to bring me with him, but he has to live. So I'll do whatever I can.
[a shift.]
You shouldn't have had to see him die twice.
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...I'll figure out something. For him. And for Hanako's friend. And I'll figure out how to bring back anybody else, too. It's what I've been trying to work on in between things, but it's harder without my usual powers or anything. [ a pause. ] I don't want to leave people behind if they don't deserve to be. If their life isn't ready to be over. I think that applies to a lot of people right now.
[ but yeah. there's....that. ]
...I've seen a couple of people die this week in their memories and in my own. I think this one was just...the one I was least prepared for. [ he hasn't mentioned it, because nico di angelo usually keeps his problems to himself and stays quiet, but this week has been really awful for a multitude of reasons only to be topped off with losing two of the most important people he felt like he could actually trust and knowing how badly so many other people were hurting, too. ]
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he holds so much up on his shoulders.]
Nico. [she says, after a second, thinking about all of that, trying to wrestle her thoughts into place. try. try hard, she thinks to herself.] Do you trust me?
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That's a dumb question. [ bluntly. but then, softer: ] Of course I do. I trust you more than most of the people here.
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Okay. Then - remember you can talk to me whenever. [don't let this stuff build up!! he's talking about it now, she just hates to think that he's suffering quietly.] I'm not good at this, ugh.
[kneads at him again]
Don't do all this stuff on your own, you don't have to. Is what I'm saying. I'm here for a reason.
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You're doing fine, Nimona. You're here because I want you to be. If I didn't...you wouldn't be able to find me. [ simply put. he's good at disappearing when he wants to. ] People keep saying that, and I know they're right because it's what I keep telling other people, but I guess I'm still trying to learn what is and isn't okay to trust other people with. If that makes sense. Like making sure something won't be too much for them, and trying to balance things out.
[ ... ]
...it's something Reigen and I talked about a lot. [ because in the end he trusted reigen far more than he ever anticipated, just because he made it feel like things would really be okay no matter what nico told him. ]
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Well, you're better than me at figuring it out. [grumbles.] ... You and Reigen talked a lot about balancing stuff?
[it's the same with her, honestly. reigen was full of shit a lot of the time, but he really had a way of talking her down from things. she figures it's the same for nico.]
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I'm better at pretending I've figured stuff out. [ a gentle correction. ] Reigen and I talked about a lot of stuff. But yeah. Balancing things and my powers and my past and...a lot of things I'm still working through and probably will be for a long time. It's kind of funny because I told Ace once that I wasn't sure I could talk to Reigen because he felt almost too normal to bother with things, but I think he understood better than a lot of people instead.