[ the way this is still just kind of a suckerpunch because bro he's been wondering this for years. ]
...where we're from, when heroes die, they get the chance to go to Elysium. I think I told you about it before. It's a place where those who've been judged as good people can go and spend their afterlife in peace or choose to try again. For people like us, if you die three times and make it to Elysium three times, you're given the opportunity to go to the Isles of the Blest. Which is like the ultimate paradise. There's no pain and no suffering and only good things.
I think...Bianca wanted me to try and move on, and she knew she couldn't come back with me. Or, rather, that she wasn't supposed to. I've been making peace with it.
...I don't know. [ this is entering territory now that he doesn't want to think too hard about. he'd made peace with bianca's passing recently, but this place really wants to push his buttons in a few ways. ] I guess she didn't want me exchanging a soul for a soul. And I know Minos' method was wrong, but I would have figured out something else.
...but even before that she wanted to leave. She chose to join the Hunters and leave me behind at camp.
[ What's wrong with exchanging a soul for a soul? with sacrificing a complete stranger to save the one you love? it perhaps speaks to Hanako's immaturity, his selfishness, that this line of thinking is just and right and that Nico should've been able to go through with it. ]
Why?
[ That's not fair. this is so unfair. he's so upset on Nico's behalf, even if Nico's already made peace with it ]
[ he knows better now that he's older, but this was pretty much exactly the same line of questioning he went through when he was 11 and vulnerable and wanted his sister back at all costs.
but just because he's made peace doesn't mean he doesn't miss her still. ]
...why to which? [ he says quietly, because "why" is such a large and encompassing question. ]
Why... to all of it. I don't understand. Family is supposed to stay together no matter what, aren't they? She was important to you. So important, you went through so much to get her back. She has to have known that! So why... why would she leave...?
[ Nico wanted her back! She had to have wanted to go back! There is literally zero reason why Nico shouldn't throw somebody else under the bus to save his sister. ]
Usually judgment is final. That's all there is to it. Bianca made her choice, and there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it. No matter how many times I went back to look for her...she was already gone.
It was different with Hazel. I knew she didn't belong in Asphodel. And with the Doors of Death not functioning, it was easy to slip her out without my father's notice. And he never reclaimed her. She's very much alive again and living in New Rome.
[ and he'd never really dream of comparing the two...anymore. ]
I would prefer that they're not because it means every single monster I've ever killed would come back way too easily. [ dry. ] ...but I believe there are other ways all the same.
[ me, waiting all thread for whatever fucking horrible thing you're unleashing on me. me, now: aaaaHHHHHHH.
anyway. nico's just reading this comic through very, very quietly, like he senses it's something heavier and something hanako's not saying. it's funny, the dull ache in his chest he feels suddenly the longer he reads, and the frown that slowly filters onto his face as he reads from panel to panel.
and when he hits the end...well. it takes him a moment of looking at hanako as if he's trying to read him before he crouches a little to be more at his eyelevel. he still doesn't speak right away, trying to figure out the correct approach. ]
...even knowing you're doing the right thing for her. It still hurts a little, doesn't it? [ knowing you're saving someone but that they'll soon forget you, but you won't forget them. ]
Nico crouches to meet Hanako's eyes, but he has a hard time meeting them. But the shared feelings compound the ache in his chest, prickling at the back of the eyes, guilt and sorrow that churns in the pit of his stomach because it does hurt. it hurts a lot. He had tried to smile for her, their last few moments together, wanted to reassure her, to wish her a happy rest of her life.
[ ...it occurs to him that despite hanako being as old as he is having been a ghost for so long, he's also still a child. at his core, he's still 13 years old and these are still very hard concepts to grapple with.
how do you learn to be happy saying goodbye to someone you care about? how do you learn to accept fate for what it is? how do you learn how to let someone go knowing that things won't be the same because they've changed you so deeply?
they're questions he asks himself a lot, knowing how the balance of life and death is. knowing there are so many things he can't change. but, and maybe hanako would think lesser of him for this, he's weak to situations like this. he hates seeing people suffer. he hates seeing people in pain like this and while a normal person might try to hug him or reassure him or do anything comforting nico just stays where he's at to let hanako set the tone of things. ]
It's okay to feel that way. [ because more than anything he thinks maybe he should remind him of that. you can do the right thing and still feel incredibly sad about it. ] Even knowing the decision, and even being the one to do it, there's no preparing for how it really feels knowing the results.
[ "Do the right thing" Nico he killed an innocent person to save some girl he likes. Ideally, he wouldn't have told Yashiro that either, only doing so because she would be forgetting.
Doing what he did, Aoi would have been erased from the world, never having existed in the first place. Yashiro would have no memory of him or his deeds. If nobody remembers, if it's as if nothing ever happened, is it still a sin? ... ]
I miss her. [ It's only been four weeks. ] I want her to live... but I also want her back.
[ and there is no way to both live, and be happy ]
[ cannot express enough how wrong some things are with nico's brain sometimes, it's fine. listen. anyway. it's still a heavy price to pay. ]
I understand. [ like. intimately so. ] ...can I ask you something? How did she come into contact with you in the first place? How did you meet?
[ maybe...there's a way to keep that connect, rebuild it, and let yashiro live. and bring back aoi to fix those mistakes. maybe there's a way to circumvent things if he understands better. this is meddling with death in a way he knows damn well he's not supposed to, but whatever. rules don't matter right now. ]
[ Hanako gives Nico a little smile, as if he hadn't already given that some thought, that if they met again, whether they could friends the second time around. But it's impossible. ]
You know the "Hanako-san" legend? Well, she had a wish she wanted granted, and so she summoned me.
The only people able to do so, however, are ones already close to death.
[ he does not say he's never heard of this particular legend, but he nods along like he has to show he's listening. ]
And the wish was to live longer. Like most of the other people who make wishes to you, I bet. [ why else would people try to summon this particular ghost? ] ...do you know why that is?
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...where we're from, when heroes die, they get the chance to go to Elysium. I think I told you about it before. It's a place where those who've been judged as good people can go and spend their afterlife in peace or choose to try again. For people like us, if you die three times and make it to Elysium three times, you're given the opportunity to go to the Isles of the Blest. Which is like the ultimate paradise. There's no pain and no suffering and only good things.
I think...Bianca wanted me to try and move on, and she knew she couldn't come back with me. Or, rather, that she wasn't supposed to. I've been making peace with it.
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She could have, though. You were right there, giving her that chance. How can it be paradise if you're not there with her?
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...but even before that she wanted to leave. She chose to join the Hunters and leave me behind at camp.
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Why?
[ That's not fair. this is so unfair. he's so upset on Nico's behalf, even if Nico's already made peace with it ]
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but just because he's made peace doesn't mean he doesn't miss her still. ]
...why to which? [ he says quietly, because "why" is such a large and encompassing question. ]
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[ Nico wanted her back! She had to have wanted to go back! There is literally zero reason why Nico shouldn't throw somebody else under the bus to save his sister. ]
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Usually judgment is final. That's all there is to it. Bianca made her choice, and there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it. No matter how many times I went back to look for her...she was already gone.
It was different with Hazel. I knew she didn't belong in Asphodel. And with the Doors of Death not functioning, it was easy to slip her out without my father's notice. And he never reclaimed her. She's very much alive again and living in New Rome.
[ and he'd never really dream of comparing the two...anymore. ]
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Are the Doors of Death something that can be broken again?
[ he WILL fuck up the netherworld to save a soul if he needed to ]
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...just because you've seen what you've seen doesn't mean I won't find a solution for your assistant, Hanako.
[ because...that's what this boils down to, doesn't it? ]
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[ There's only ever one reason why he's doing any of this. ]
But she's my assistant, so I want to—
[ ...help her too, except comic book panel time, of Hanako's very last memory before showing up here. ]
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me, now: aaaaHHHHHHH.
anyway. nico's just reading this comic through very, very quietly, like he senses it's something heavier and something hanako's not saying. it's funny, the dull ache in his chest he feels suddenly the longer he reads, and the frown that slowly filters onto his face as he reads from panel to panel.
and when he hits the end...well. it takes him a moment of looking at hanako as if he's trying to read him before he crouches a little to be more at his eyelevel. he still doesn't speak right away, trying to figure out the correct approach. ]
...even knowing you're doing the right thing for her. It still hurts a little, doesn't it? [ knowing you're saving someone but that they'll soon forget you, but you won't forget them. ]
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Nico crouches to meet Hanako's eyes, but he has a hard time meeting them. But the shared feelings compound the ache in his chest, prickling at the back of the eyes, guilt and sorrow that churns in the pit of his stomach because it does hurt. it hurts a lot. He had tried to smile for her, their last few moments together, wanted to reassure her, to wish her a happy rest of her life.
He should be happy.
Yashiro will be able to live.
She will forget him.
He won't ever see her again.
But she will be able to live. ]
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how do you learn to be happy saying goodbye to someone you care about? how do you learn to accept fate for what it is? how do you learn how to let someone go knowing that things won't be the same because they've changed you so deeply?
they're questions he asks himself a lot, knowing how the balance of life and death is. knowing there are so many things he can't change. but, and maybe hanako would think lesser of him for this, he's weak to situations like this. he hates seeing people suffer. he hates seeing people in pain like this and while a normal person might try to hug him or reassure him or do anything comforting nico just stays where he's at to let hanako set the tone of things. ]
It's okay to feel that way. [ because more than anything he thinks maybe he should remind him of that. you can do the right thing and still feel incredibly sad about it. ] Even knowing the decision, and even being the one to do it, there's no preparing for how it really feels knowing the results.
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Doing what he did, Aoi would have been erased from the world, never having existed in the first place. Yashiro would have no memory of him or his deeds. If nobody remembers, if it's as if nothing ever happened, is it still a sin? ... ]
I miss her. [ It's only been four weeks. ] I want her to live... but I also want her back.
[ and there is no way to both live, and be happy ]
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I understand. [ like. intimately so. ] ...can I ask you something? How did she come into contact with you in the first place? How did you meet?
[ maybe...there's a way to keep that connect, rebuild it, and let yashiro live. and bring back aoi to fix those mistakes. maybe there's a way to circumvent things if he understands better. this is meddling with death in a way he knows damn well he's not supposed to, but whatever. rules don't matter right now. ]
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You know the "Hanako-san" legend? Well, she had a wish she wanted granted, and so she summoned me.
The only people able to do so, however, are ones already close to death.
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And the wish was to live longer. Like most of the other people who make wishes to you, I bet. [ why else would people try to summon this particular ghost? ] ...do you know why that is?
[ why is it only those close to death? ]
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[ the other wish didn't come until later. initially it was just...
hanako-san, please, i want a boyfriend ]
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yeah he's just staring so exhaustedly gods he hates middle schoolers actually. "he's only 15 and equally useless" hates middle schoolers. ]
Seriously...?
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[ he looks. stupidly fond, though, despite that ]
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...did you actually grant her that wish? [ listen he is curious. ]
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[ it was good enough ]
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Right, okay. So...how exactly did you get from point a to point b here?
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