[ wow! there's a lot to unpack here! the memory causes him to halt and he watches this play out. it's not hard to hear the worry in her tone, or see the way she's trying to balance giving ryuki what he wants and what he actually needs. when it's over, he watches her quietly like he's deciding if he has the right to say anything.
he wants to know a lot like what the hb case is or who shoma is, but mostly there's something that kind of resonates too strongly with him.
"I have to do this." even at the expense of his sanity. ]
Haven't exactly been to a hospital for years, Tama. Maybe medicine works different for you guys. [ ... ] ...does it scare you when stuff like that happens?
Always. I trust myself enough to be able to help him, but-- there's limits, here and there. I can't help him here if he goes somewhere I can't follow. And I can't help him back home because I can't physically intervene and take him somewhere if he's in a vulnerable place.
[ he can only imagine being on that side of things, because he's hearing her words and thinking about how they apply to someone else, too. ]
I'm sorry. It must be really hard when it feels like you should be able to help and protect him, but you don't know how to all the time. And worse when you can only watch the aftermath. [ he. uh. remembers tama's response when they found ryuki's body (?) thursday. ]
It's not easy to ask for help sometimes. Especially if you have something you feel like can only be accomplished by you. Or something you feel like you have to do yourself to make up for something that's happened. [ ... ] It's easier to burden yourself than others usually, especially if you have a perspective of how you can handle things. Skewed or not.
I guess the best is just reminding him constantly that you are there to help him and he doesn't have to take it on by himself. Even if he doesn't listen and even if it's frustrating.
Trust me, I do. I've called him out on his habits before as well. It's just...
[ she sighs, a little heavier. ]
It's easier to make sure he tries to rely on me, and know what he's doing when I'm my regular self. Even if he does do something reckless, I can try and support him. Make sure he doesn't get hurt.
[ and, well. they all saw what happened last week. ]
I don't know how to explain it. Like I gained and lost limbs at the same time.
[ he won't pretend he fully gets it because that's not fair to tama. but he can listen and try to empathize and try to understand. so he's quietly mulling that over. ]
An adjustment period, but always feeling like if you don't adjust soon enough it might be too late. There are things you can do now that you couldn't before, like touch him. But you can't do other things he might need, like scan him for what might be wrong when he can't fully recognize and articulate it. [ ...he bows his head then. ] I'm sorry. I know it's not my business it's just...hard on both parties, I think.
Which makes it harder to be honest sometimes when you never know who's listening. [ shaking his head, and his hood wiggles. ] Does the neural link have something to do with being an ai-ball?
[ let's keep walking, maybe. maybe they can salvage this day. they won't bc im giving a mem next tag or so but still. ]
Well... that can happen too, if you're talking around other agents. The neural link's like a channel. Public, but private if you choose to keep it private. That's usually a conscious decision.
And yeah. You can't just stick an AI-Ball in your socket and expect it to work. You need connections and links to communicate. It's all in the waivers that agents sign when they join up.
[ them: maybe we will have a nice day. the memory: bitch you thought ]
Sounds like a lot of networking and routing to make sure things go where they need to go to function. Or at least a lot of consent on all sides. I think it'd probably drive me a little crazy having to figure out which of my thoughts are filtered to who all the time.
[ but alas. ]
...but I can see an argument for the other way, too. It's always worse to have to decide what you can and can't share in public.
[ which, like, speaking of, it's a funny time for them to walk around a corner and have a comic panel pop up. ]
That's why there's so many waivers. A lot of ABIS agents were missing an eye or had damage to their left eyes in the first place -- so it wasn't much of a loss, you know?
[ ... ]
Ryuki chose to have the surgery. [ it was for his dream, but sometimes it's just... nice to think about and know he chose this, even when they're arguing or not having the best time. they're both there because they want to be.
but.
ah.
(me voice) baby shaaaame. ]
...
Nothing I'm hearing or seeing from you is really endearing me to a lot of those gods, you know. Although that Titan seems like a good guy.
...chosen partners then. [ there's something that's almost like a smile because that's...kind of sweet, in theory.
and then this happens and he's immediately frowning exasperatedly. ]
Nyx should never been endeared to, for one thing. But...Bob's a friend. He's someone Will and I had to save no matter what it took. And we did? Like...maybe a day before we came to Oceanside.
Well. Assigned, but— he chose to have an AI-Ball, so it counts.
[ oh, oof. ]
Oh, that’s unfortunate timing. Did you at least make it out of there before you came here…? [ did bob and also very importantly the only one that matters here, SMALL BOB? ]
[ he's nodding because yes, he will count it. tama and ryuki are a set, do not separate.
also, he kind of gives her an exhausted, grim smile. ]
...we were home for less than twenty-four hours, but yeah. We made it. Everyone's safe. Will and I and the Cocoa Puffs all went back to camp. Bob and Small Bob decided to head west to decide what to do now that they had their freedom back.
[ said-little puff seems to know it's being talked about, given nico's hood wiggles again and it crawls up and onto his shoulder. it stares at tama and chirps inquisitively. hello.
and nico glances at it before he gives tama a lopsided little smile. ]
Tama, meet Shame. You can understand why I can't bring myself to call them their proper name. [ ...and he sighs. ] She created them, but they came from my emotions. So I guess...I also sort of created them? It's weird.
[ little shame. she’s giving it pets again because baby. ]
For something made from some of your repressed negative emotions… it’s still really cute. But you feel kinda responsible for them? [ even though he didn’t make them specifically. ]
Yeah, I think so too. [ the baby purrs under tama's touch. ] But yeah. I...after Nyx summoned them, she tried to send them to attack Will and Bob. I was able to regain control of them and get them to listen to me because they're mine. And when I did, I gave them permission to go and be free. They didn't have to be chained to me anymore. They were able to go and make their own choice how they wanted to live.
But when we were escaping Tartarus to head back to the living world, they followed us. I don't think they wanted to stay hidden in the dark forever either. So they got in our boat and we took them with us. I'd feel pretty bad abandoning any of them now when they just wanted a chance to live and came with us.
[ nico: i will attempt to be a better father than my own father. ]
That’s a pretty good thing though, right? They had the choice to stay, or leave Tartarus and be free if they wanted, but they chose to go with you. They must see something in you they like, otherwise — well. They’re part of you? I don’t think you could hide much from something made from you.
Yeah, I think so. [ fondly... ] And anyway I'm tired of hiding everything. It's easier to figure out everything now that I know what I'm actually confronting and sorting through my past. A little hard to ignore when they keep eating my snacks and stealing my socks.
[ the puff chirps innocently. ]
...at least now when I touch them I'm not instantly reminded of those things either. I'll take that as a win.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he wants to know a lot like what the hb case is or who shoma is, but mostly there's something that kind of resonates too strongly with him.
"I have to do this." even at the expense of his sanity. ]
...did he go like he promised?
no subject
He did. Technically. I did tell him he had to go to the hospital not stay there, so he did do as I asked in the end.
no subject
But did it help? [ he is thinking not, given how ryuki sure does seem scrambled, but...who knows. ]
no subject
[ ryuki has so many isuses. he's just a little guy. ]
no subject
Haven't exactly been to a hospital for years, Tama. Maybe medicine works different for you guys. [ ... ] ...does it scare you when stuff like that happens?
no subject
Always. I trust myself enough to be able to help him, but-- there's limits, here and there. I can't help him here if he goes somewhere I can't follow. And I can't help him back home because I can't physically intervene and take him somewhere if he's in a vulnerable place.
[ ... ]
And I can't see what's going on in his head.
no subject
I'm sorry. It must be really hard when it feels like you should be able to help and protect him, but you don't know how to all the time. And worse when you can only watch the aftermath. [ he. uh. remembers tama's response when they found ryuki's body (?) thursday. ]
But he trusts you doesn't he?
no subject
Yes. But— he takes everything on himself and he doesn’t ask for help.
[ frowns. ]
no subject
It's not easy to ask for help sometimes. Especially if you have something you feel like can only be accomplished by you. Or something you feel like you have to do yourself to make up for something that's happened. [ ... ] It's easier to burden yourself than others usually, especially if you have a perspective of how you can handle things. Skewed or not.
I guess the best is just reminding him constantly that you are there to help him and he doesn't have to take it on by himself. Even if he doesn't listen and even if it's frustrating.
no subject
[ she sighs, a little heavier. ]
It's easier to make sure he tries to rely on me, and know what he's doing when I'm my regular self. Even if he does do something reckless, I can try and support him. Make sure he doesn't get hurt.
[ and, well. they all saw what happened last week. ]
I don't know how to explain it. Like I gained and lost limbs at the same time.
no subject
An adjustment period, but always feeling like if you don't adjust soon enough it might be too late. There are things you can do now that you couldn't before, like touch him. But you can't do other things he might need, like scan him for what might be wrong when he can't fully recognize and articulate it. [ ...he bows his head then. ] I'm sorry. I know it's not my business it's just...hard on both parties, I think.
no subject
[ remember when they were just going to karaoke? those were good, cute moments. ]
It's going to be weird for him too. Normally we can just talk to each other without another listening in. Neural link.
no subject
[ let's keep walking, maybe. maybe they can salvage this day. they won't bc im giving a mem next tag or so but still. ]
no subject
And yeah. You can't just stick an AI-Ball in your socket and expect it to work. You need connections and links to communicate. It's all in the waivers that agents sign when they join up.
[ them: maybe we will have a nice day.
the memory: bitch you thought ]
no subject
[ but alas. ]
...but I can see an argument for the other way, too. It's always worse to have to decide what you can and can't share in public.
[ which, like, speaking of, it's a funny time for them to walk around a corner and have a comic panel pop up. ]
no subject
[ ... ]
Ryuki chose to have the surgery. [ it was for his dream, but sometimes it's just... nice to think about and know he chose this, even when they're arguing or not having the best time. they're both there because they want to be.
but.
ah.
(me voice) baby shaaaame. ]
...
Nothing I'm hearing or seeing from you is really endearing me to a lot of those gods, you know. Although that Titan seems like a good guy.
no subject
and then this happens and he's immediately frowning exasperatedly. ]
Nyx should never been endeared to, for one thing. But...Bob's a friend. He's someone Will and I had to save no matter what it took. And we did? Like...maybe a day before we came to Oceanside.
[ haha. ]
no subject
[ oh, oof. ]
Oh, that’s unfortunate timing. Did you at least make it out of there before you came here…? [ did bob and also very importantly the only one that matters here, SMALL BOB? ]
no subject
also, he kind of gives her an exhausted, grim smile. ]
...we were home for less than twenty-four hours, but yeah. We made it. Everyone's safe. Will and I and the Cocoa Puffs all went back to camp. Bob and Small Bob decided to head west to decide what to do now that they had their freedom back.
no subject
So, your little puff— that it’s one of those creatures Nyx made?
no subject
and nico glances at it before he gives tama a lopsided little smile. ]
Tama, meet Shame. You can understand why I can't bring myself to call them their proper name. [ ...and he sighs. ] She created them, but they came from my emotions. So I guess...I also sort of created them? It's weird.
no subject
For something made from some of your repressed negative emotions… it’s still really cute. But you feel kinda responsible for them? [ even though he didn’t make them specifically. ]
no subject
But when we were escaping Tartarus to head back to the living world, they followed us. I don't think they wanted to stay hidden in the dark forever either. So they got in our boat and we took them with us. I'd feel pretty bad abandoning any of them now when they just wanted a chance to live and came with us.
[ nico: i will attempt to be a better father than my own father. ]
no subject
That’s a pretty good thing though, right? They had the choice to stay, or leave Tartarus and be free if they wanted, but they chose to go with you. They must see something in you they like, otherwise — well. They’re part of you? I don’t think you could hide much from something made from you.
no subject
[ the puff chirps innocently. ]
...at least now when I touch them I'm not instantly reminded of those things either. I'll take that as a win.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)