...it feels a lot like I'm overreacting. Knowing that they'll be coming back. Like...it's only a few days. I can survive without him for a few days, can't I? Except it's about...how he's going to remember so much about this last weekend...right up until he dies. And he'll be where the others are and I know they'll take care of him but it's still not something I wanted for him. I don't know. [ a pause. ] I just want to go home.
I want you to go home too. [noses at him a little.] ... He'll be okay. Reigen's going to look after him, and Ace too. And then Tuesday he'll come back. It's just a couple days.
I spent a long time doing what I could to keep both of us alive everywhere that losing him right at the end just feels awful. And then it feels bad to feel bad because it's at the end and it's not like he'll be gone for long, and it keeps...circling like that. I can't stop feeling like this.
[ ... ]
I knew he'd killed Ponta when I came to see you yesterday.
I was doing everything I could today to try and make sure he wouldn't get caught. It just wasn't enough in the end because we didn't have anything to go off of for the other two. [ he frowns to that though. ]
...the last half of today's trial was brutal. I thought I was going to be sick. I still have a little bit of hope though that maybe we'd find an alternative solution, but...I also can't decide what's worse. Not knowing who the other person was, or knowing and still losing Will anyway because we chose to vote for him over someone else. Everything I feel about this is a huge mess.
... I was trying too. [she says, quietly. because she really was. she kept trying to redirect, to try and figure out some way that she wouldn't have to point to will. it didn't work. trying to throw herself under the bus didn't work either. she was too scared to do it. she wasn't loud enough.
she can't... remember why she wanted to.]
If we'd found anything else, people wouldn't have gone for Will. [she says, and - finally, she transforms back. human again, though she's smokey. she's trying not to be.
she gathers him in her arms, hugging him tightly.]
I wish I could've gotten everybody to not vote. It's not like anything happens when you don't. [...] You - I'm here. I'm here, as long as you need me. You can feel sick or - feel at all, I'm not going.
I know. [ he was hyperaware of what everybody was doing in the end, who was trying to find alternate routes, who knew and was looking away, who was pursuing the truth without thinking about what it would mean. it wasn't hard with how few of them were left. ] But you gotta know neither of us would have been able to live with ourselves if you took the fall for this. He would've protested...probably would've outright confessed.
I think the only reason he didn't was because of me. [ he isn't entirely sure about that though. if they'd found things for...saya, or hanako, or nimona herself. would will have been able to withstand the test of being against those people? he doesn't know and he doesn't want to think about pitting his boyfriend against his friends.
she transforms again, and she's smokey and he feels awful about that, too, but...for once he doesn't hesitate to lean into her, both around around her and desperately clinging in a way he's not sure he can with other people. ]
We don't know if that's really true. [ he mutters. ] I bet something in this dumb city would punish us for not bringing "villains to justice." [ the idea of labeling will a villain...that the city will see him that way...it makes his blood boil all over again. ] I threw away my vote for someone I knew nobody would even think of. I couldn't vote for him. Not when he didn't do anything wrong.
[the way he clings at her makes the smoke settle down a little, at least. she brings a hand up, and clumsily runs her fingers through his hair.]
No, I do know. I didn't vote at all, and nothing happened. [she tells him, pulling him close. she doesn't respond to the rest of it, because she doesn't... want to argue with him about it. her self worth issues are not something she wants to talk about when he's clearly hurting.
still.] He didn't do anything wrong. And you didn't either, not voting for him.
[ he remembers the argument they'd had the day before, and he's...trying, a little, to be more openly reliant on her. his bat wings are crooked and his claws are a little sharp but he doesn't hurt her and instead is trying to decide the important things. ]
...it better stay that way. Nothing better happen to you later. I can't let it. [ there's a long pause though, silence as he grips onto her before he continues. ]
I'm getting so sick of this. I'm getting so sick of these situations where people are forced to act in ways they may not want to or do things they may not want to do all because the stupid moon told us to, and where people are stuck having to decide who's more important to save and who's okay to sacrifice. I'm getting sick of people like you or Danny or Will or whoever being told something has to happen and just expecting it to be so because you're capable and because it shouldn't be a problem. You've done these things before, so it should be simple right? It should be as simple as healing or as simple as killing or as simple as destroying but it's not simple because it's forcing people to do something they shouldn't have to do when there are other people who can and I'm sick of watching people be afraid of who we're losing all the time and I'm sick of having to sit here and be able to do nothing to stop any of this before more people get hurt and watch people destroy themselves over things that aren't even their fault all because of things other people have forced them to think and feel and do!
[ the last, like, half of that kind of escalated in volume to basically be kind of screaming and sobbing so. sorry. about that. he has a lot of feelings on stuff. ]
[god, it - hurts, to hear, it really does. it makes her heart ache, in a way she doesn't know how to deal with, in a way she's not sure she's felt before. his voice raises, and his grip tightens, and when she speaks it isn't telling him to stop, it's not trying to get him to not tell her. it's trying to be comforting, it's trying her best to gather him close and wrap her dragon wings around both of them, hiding them away.
she rests her hand against the back of his head, petting his hair gently. more gentle than she's ever been, she thinks.
she murmurs shh, shh. in a way that she hasn't heard in... years, in so many years. and presses a kiss to the side of his head.]
I know, I know. [...] You don't have to anymore. You don't. This was the last one, and tomorrow is the last one, you just have to get through tomorrow, and I'll be there with you. And on - and on Tuesday, they're all coming back, and you'll have them.
[but she doesn't stop him from screaming and crying. she doesn't. because he deserves to get to.]
[ see, this is kind of exactly why he doesn't let himself feel too much all at one time because usually the results are actually kind of violent. he's grown better at managing his emotions over the years, but after seven weeks of all of this, and of trying to juggling it and still be a good friend to other people and still know they aren't even done working yet and not addressing it, knowing what's going to happen to will and what got him in this situation was probably the final straw.
he's going to feel stupid and embarrassed in a bit when he gets himself together again but currently he's openly crying straight into her shoulder because wow! actually! this place fucking sucks! this whole situation fucking sucks! and it's weird because what nimona's doing is, like...of course it's helpful, having a grounding presence despite not entirely knowing how to handle it, but at the same time it sort of makes him think of how usually will's the one who handles this for him, how before that it had been...himself, because bianca had died when he was 10, his mother several decades before that and he thinks about how he hasn't really had someone besides will recently do this for him.
maybe that's why he didn't exactly have an answer for her the other day about letting other people help him. because in the end it's something he does crave but something that still hurts in a different way.
he hears her though and he kind of says something that sounds a little like "I can't--" but he doesn't clarify what he can't actually do before he's busy trying to pull himself back together. ]
I don't want to watch him go through this. [ is maybe the first problem. ] We shouldn't have had to watch Ace or any of the others and I don't want to watch the same thing happen to Will.
[she doesn't mind. this - it hurts, but it feels good, too, to be useful. to have a use, to be an anchor. that might make her feel guilty later, but. for now, letting him lose it against her shoulder, listening to him wail the way she did after ace held her through the bars - sometimes you need to. sometimes you need to.]
There's - there's really nothing worse than watching people you love have to do this. [she mumbles. like maybe it's - not news, not a revelation, just something she's been learning. she rocks them a little, rubbing her face against her shoulder. the amount of emotion he's so clearly feeling is making her tear up. she feels a little, sometimes, like they're both just doing their best to keep each other above water, sometimes. always on the cusp of drowning.]
It's not fair. [she says, swallowing hard.] It's not fair to you. I'm sorry, Nico.
[she can't even say don't watch. she can't even say he doesn't have to be there. she's not stupid enough to think this place won't be cruel enough to put him up there with will, tomorrow. and even if he wasn't, she knows he wouldn't abandon will.]
Yeah... [ it's not news and it's not a revelation, but hearing her at least say it and knowing she understands that's why he's upset eases a little bit of the ache in his chest. the thing is she isn't wrong. that's been both of them for the last seven weeks, pushing and pulling each other toward the finish line of a race they didn't want to participate in, keeping each other above water because neither of them ever really learned how to swim before being tossed into the deep end.
it's why he's tried so hard to always keep his composure around her in particular, because he knows it's hard to deal with, but he recognizes that it isn't fair not to give her a chance. he trusts nimona to tell him if he's too difficult for her to handle. his arms are wound tightly around her, like he's afraid she'll disappear if he lets go, and her entire shoulder's probably fucking soaked. ]
It hasn't been fair to any of us. Over and over, week after week, they just keep having us go through this and expect us to take it. I can't do it anymore. [ so it's good that it's the last week, and he sniffles a little. ] But I have to go. I can't let him die alone.
[ "alone" because even if it's in front of a million people, even if someone other than him is going to end will's life, nobody knows will solace the way nico di angelo does and that's pretty much what he's focused on. he refuses to let him die without nico being right at his side however he can be. even if he very much extremely is anxious about what may happen to him. and even knowing that yeah, with how this place works...there is a possibility it's going to be by his hands. ]
[she's quiet for a minute, because - she thinks what she should say is something more comforting than what she can come up with. but she's not good at this. she's not reigen, and she's not ace, and she's not lillium or will or anybody who knows how to be someone who can pull something together enough to bolster him.
but it feels dishonest to tell him it's okay, to tell him he doesn't have to, to tell him he can look away if he wants. or maybe not even dishonest, just... unkind. it'd be like she didn't know him at all. he's a good person. he cares so much about people. she knows he'd never do that, and it seems rude to even suggest.
i can't do it anymore, he says, and that sounds dangerously like her, so instead she just takes a deep breath. hopes he'll follow it.]
He's lucky to have you. [she says, finally.] You're a good person. Even when it sucks.
[ if he knew what she was thinking, he would tell her that she doesn't have to be that person. she doesn't have to be reigen or ace or lillium or will. she doesn't have to be particularly good at this or know what she's doing. all she has to be is nimona, because that's who he's looking for comfort from right now. he doesn't want someone she's not.
subconsciously, he does actually take a similarly deep breath to calm himself down even if he doesn't lift his head. ]
...that's been a pattern, hasn't it. All of these terrible things happening to people who are trying to be good people. [ nimona, will, danny, reigen, ace, their little group of jailbreakers, the people they've come to rely on. so many of them are good people or people with the capacity to be good if someone keeps reaching out to them. but this please keeps kicking all of them down. ] I think it's more...I'm lucky to have him. I...Will made me rethink my entire life and my entire future when we met. He changed so much about me.
[ will changed a lot for him, really, and it gave him the chance to be a better person. and soon there's a soft sigh. ] Nimona, all of this really sucks.
[she's insistent about this. because she thinks that's probably true, that will helped nico a lot, but she's not going to sit here and listen to him downplay the effect he has in return. if he could see himself the way nimona sees him, he'd never doubt himself again. she wants to shake him a little. she doesn't, but god does she think about it.
she takes another deep breath for him to follow, letting him keep his head where it is. she's still petting his hair absently.]
... Sucks is an understatement. [she says after a second, and then:] I'm gonna keep reminding you that you're not alone, though.
...I know. [ whether that's "i know he's lucky" or "i know i'm not alone" he doesn't quite say because it's all the same sentiment. don't shake him he's already full of bees. he's still following her breathing and his crying seems to have, like, settled down significantly but he doesn't sit up as long as she's petting his hair. ]
If I thought I was really alone, I wouldn't be here. [ softly said. ] Our group's numbers keep changing, but...it's nice to know there are people. For both of us.
[ himself and will, and himself and nimona. ] It felt easier to make friends here than before.
she will keep petting his hair, though, because she thinks he should get to relax for a bit. he can curl up and wind down as much as possible, with her wings blocking out the rest of the world.]
... Yeah. [she agrees, quietly.] I didn't have friends before I was here.
but yeah. it's working. it's so stupid, he does this for everyone else all the time and then he's jumpscared when it works on him and he likes it. it's entirely possible he's closing his swollen eyes to rest them, shifting to lean into her a little more comfortably and refusing to let go. ]
And now you've got a bunch of us. It's...it always feels like both a good and a bad thing. It's good for all of the good times and for the support and being able to have those people. But...it's obviously bad when bad things happen to them. And maybe that's where I'm at. The part where bad things happen to my friends and I'm stuck on what to do because they're my friends and they're important to me. [ a pause. ] But then...there's the good of having friends who'll let me kind of ramble while I try not to completely unravel even if Will's only going to be gone for three days.
[ given the way he subconsciously tightens his grip, there are circumstances about that part that still bother him and they all circle around will having to die. ]
I'm trying. [ sincerely. ] I'm...really, really trying. It's only a few days and then it'll all be fine again.
[ ...hopefully. he's leaning into her. ] ...I think I keep thinking about other people who were only supposed to be gone for a few days and never came home. I know that's not the case here, but...unlearning old responses has been a pain.
Definitely. Whoever said time heals all wounds was never hurt deeply enough, I think. [ he's quiet. ] ...you may as well say the other thing. If you want.
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[she burrows closer.]
You'll get to go home. Both of you. He won't be gone for long, but you - you shouldn't have had to in the first place.
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[silence for a bit, and then:]
I want you to go home too. [noses at him a little.] ... He'll be okay. Reigen's going to look after him, and Ace too. And then Tuesday he'll come back. It's just a couple days.
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I spent a long time doing what I could to keep both of us alive everywhere that losing him right at the end just feels awful. And then it feels bad to feel bad because it's at the end and it's not like he'll be gone for long, and it keeps...circling like that. I can't stop feeling like this.
[ ... ]
I knew he'd killed Ponta when I came to see you yesterday.
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[nimona's not stupid, she's - observant. she knows how will acts, and she knows what was supposed to happen this weekend.]
... You can feel however you want about it, Nico. It's not like anybody is going to be mad at you for being upset that you're losing him, come on.
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...the last half of today's trial was brutal. I thought I was going to be sick. I still have a little bit of hope though that maybe we'd find an alternative solution, but...I also can't decide what's worse. Not knowing who the other person was, or knowing and still losing Will anyway because we chose to vote for him over someone else. Everything I feel about this is a huge mess.
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she can't... remember why she wanted to.]
If we'd found anything else, people wouldn't have gone for Will. [she says, and - finally, she transforms back. human again, though she's smokey. she's trying not to be.
she gathers him in her arms, hugging him tightly.]
I wish I could've gotten everybody to not vote. It's not like anything happens when you don't. [...] You - I'm here. I'm here, as long as you need me. You can feel sick or - feel at all, I'm not going.
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I think the only reason he didn't was because of me. [ he isn't entirely sure about that though. if they'd found things for...saya, or hanako, or nimona herself. would will have been able to withstand the test of being against those people? he doesn't know and he doesn't want to think about pitting his boyfriend against his friends.
she transforms again, and she's smokey and he feels awful about that, too, but...for once he doesn't hesitate to lean into her, both around around her and desperately clinging in a way he's not sure he can with other people. ]
We don't know if that's really true. [ he mutters. ] I bet something in this dumb city would punish us for not bringing "villains to justice." [ the idea of labeling will a villain...that the city will see him that way...it makes his blood boil all over again. ] I threw away my vote for someone I knew nobody would even think of. I couldn't vote for him. Not when he didn't do anything wrong.
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No, I do know. I didn't vote at all, and nothing happened. [she tells him, pulling him close. she doesn't respond to the rest of it, because she doesn't... want to argue with him about it. her self worth issues are not something she wants to talk about when he's clearly hurting.
still.] He didn't do anything wrong. And you didn't either, not voting for him.
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...it better stay that way. Nothing better happen to you later. I can't let it. [ there's a long pause though, silence as he grips onto her before he continues. ]
I'm getting so sick of this. I'm getting so sick of these situations where people are forced to act in ways they may not want to or do things they may not want to do all because the stupid moon told us to, and where people are stuck having to decide who's more important to save and who's okay to sacrifice. I'm getting sick of people like you or Danny or Will or whoever being told something has to happen and just expecting it to be so because you're capable and because it shouldn't be a problem. You've done these things before, so it should be simple right? It should be as simple as healing or as simple as killing or as simple as destroying but it's not simple because it's forcing people to do something they shouldn't have to do when there are other people who can and I'm sick of watching people be afraid of who we're losing all the time and I'm sick of having to sit here and be able to do nothing to stop any of this before more people get hurt and watch people destroy themselves over things that aren't even their fault all because of things other people have forced them to think and feel and do!
[ the last, like, half of that kind of escalated in volume to basically be kind of screaming and sobbing so. sorry. about that. he has a lot of feelings on stuff. ]
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[god, it - hurts, to hear, it really does. it makes her heart ache, in a way she doesn't know how to deal with, in a way she's not sure she's felt before. his voice raises, and his grip tightens, and when she speaks it isn't telling him to stop, it's not trying to get him to not tell her. it's trying to be comforting, it's trying her best to gather him close and wrap her dragon wings around both of them, hiding them away.
she rests her hand against the back of his head, petting his hair gently. more gentle than she's ever been, she thinks.
she murmurs shh, shh. in a way that she hasn't heard in... years, in so many years. and presses a kiss to the side of his head.]
I know, I know. [...] You don't have to anymore. You don't. This was the last one, and tomorrow is the last one, you just have to get through tomorrow, and I'll be there with you. And on - and on Tuesday, they're all coming back, and you'll have them.
[but she doesn't stop him from screaming and crying. she doesn't. because he deserves to get to.]
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he's going to feel stupid and embarrassed in a bit when he gets himself together again but currently he's openly crying straight into her shoulder because wow! actually! this place fucking sucks! this whole situation fucking sucks! and it's weird because what nimona's doing is, like...of course it's helpful, having a grounding presence despite not entirely knowing how to handle it, but at the same time it sort of makes him think of how usually will's the one who handles this for him, how before that it had been...himself, because bianca had died when he was 10, his mother several decades before that and he thinks about how he hasn't really had someone besides will recently do this for him.
maybe that's why he didn't exactly have an answer for her the other day about letting other people help him. because in the end it's something he does crave but something that still hurts in a different way.
he hears her though and he kind of says something that sounds a little like "I can't--" but he doesn't clarify what he can't actually do before he's busy trying to pull himself back together. ]
I don't want to watch him go through this. [ is maybe the first problem. ] We shouldn't have had to watch Ace or any of the others and I don't want to watch the same thing happen to Will.
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[she doesn't mind. this - it hurts, but it feels good, too, to be useful. to have a use, to be an anchor. that might make her feel guilty later, but. for now, letting him lose it against her shoulder, listening to him wail the way she did after ace held her through the bars - sometimes you need to. sometimes you need to.]
There's - there's really nothing worse than watching people you love have to do this. [she mumbles. like maybe it's - not news, not a revelation, just something she's been learning. she rocks them a little, rubbing her face against her shoulder. the amount of emotion he's so clearly feeling is making her tear up. she feels a little, sometimes, like they're both just doing their best to keep each other above water, sometimes. always on the cusp of drowning.]
It's not fair. [she says, swallowing hard.] It's not fair to you. I'm sorry, Nico.
[she can't even say don't watch. she can't even say he doesn't have to be there. she's not stupid enough to think this place won't be cruel enough to put him up there with will, tomorrow. and even if he wasn't, she knows he wouldn't abandon will.]
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it's why he's tried so hard to always keep his composure around her in particular, because he knows it's hard to deal with, but he recognizes that it isn't fair not to give her a chance. he trusts nimona to tell him if he's too difficult for her to handle. his arms are wound tightly around her, like he's afraid she'll disappear if he lets go, and her entire shoulder's probably fucking soaked. ]
It hasn't been fair to any of us. Over and over, week after week, they just keep having us go through this and expect us to take it. I can't do it anymore. [ so it's good that it's the last week, and he sniffles a little. ] But I have to go. I can't let him die alone.
[ "alone" because even if it's in front of a million people, even if someone other than him is going to end will's life, nobody knows will solace the way nico di angelo does and that's pretty much what he's focused on. he refuses to let him die without nico being right at his side however he can be. even if he very much extremely is anxious about what may happen to him. and even knowing that yeah, with how this place works...there is a possibility it's going to be by his hands. ]
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but it feels dishonest to tell him it's okay, to tell him he doesn't have to, to tell him he can look away if he wants. or maybe not even dishonest, just... unkind. it'd be like she didn't know him at all. he's a good person. he cares so much about people. she knows he'd never do that, and it seems rude to even suggest.
i can't do it anymore, he says, and that sounds dangerously like her, so instead she just takes a deep breath. hopes he'll follow it.]
He's lucky to have you. [she says, finally.] You're a good person. Even when it sucks.
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subconsciously, he does actually take a similarly deep breath to calm himself down even if he doesn't lift his head. ]
...that's been a pattern, hasn't it. All of these terrible things happening to people who are trying to be good people. [ nimona, will, danny, reigen, ace, their little group of jailbreakers, the people they've come to rely on. so many of them are good people or people with the capacity to be good if someone keeps reaching out to them. but this please keeps kicking all of them down. ] I think it's more...I'm lucky to have him. I...Will made me rethink my entire life and my entire future when we met. He changed so much about me.
[ will changed a lot for him, really, and it gave him the chance to be a better person. and soon there's a soft sigh. ] Nimona, all of this really sucks.
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[she's insistent about this. because she thinks that's probably true, that will helped nico a lot, but she's not going to sit here and listen to him downplay the effect he has in return. if he could see himself the way nimona sees him, he'd never doubt himself again. she wants to shake him a little. she doesn't, but god does she think about it.
she takes another deep breath for him to follow, letting him keep his head where it is. she's still petting his hair absently.]
... Sucks is an understatement. [she says after a second, and then:] I'm gonna keep reminding you that you're not alone, though.
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If I thought I was really alone, I wouldn't be here. [ softly said. ] Our group's numbers keep changing, but...it's nice to know there are people. For both of us.
[ himself and will, and himself and nimona. ] It felt easier to make friends here than before.
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she will keep petting his hair, though, because she thinks he should get to relax for a bit. he can curl up and wind down as much as possible, with her wings blocking out the rest of the world.]
... Yeah. [she agrees, quietly.] I didn't have friends before I was here.
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but yeah. it's working. it's so stupid, he does this for everyone else all the time and then he's jumpscared when it works on him and he likes it. it's entirely possible he's closing his swollen eyes to rest them, shifting to lean into her a little more comfortably and refusing to let go. ]
And now you've got a bunch of us. It's...it always feels like both a good and a bad thing. It's good for all of the good times and for the support and being able to have those people. But...it's obviously bad when bad things happen to them. And maybe that's where I'm at. The part where bad things happen to my friends and I'm stuck on what to do because they're my friends and they're important to me. [ a pause. ] But then...there's the good of having friends who'll let me kind of ramble while I try not to completely unravel even if Will's only going to be gone for three days.
[ given the way he subconsciously tightens his grip, there are circumstances about that part that still bother him and they all circle around will having to die. ]
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she shifts just a little bit so she can make it a bit more comfy for him to curl up.]
You can worry about yourself for half a second. [she mutters.] Your friends are fine.
[a pause, as she feels his grip tighten.] It's not permanent. Just keep reminding yourself.
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[ ...hopefully. he's leaning into her. ] ...I think I keep thinking about other people who were only supposed to be gone for a few days and never came home. I know that's not the case here, but...unlearning old responses has been a pain.
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[she tucks his hair behind his ear.]
It's hard to... [she pauses, and then stops. changes tracks.] Time's the only thing that helps that I think, and not even time helps, sometimes.
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[like that they're not all going to eventually leave you. but she's not getting into that. she knows he's the same way, anyway.]
That time thing again. I've been around a while so. Old habits. Like you said.
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