You're gonna be lucky if he doesn't try to steal it from you. [ he lets her control their hands, and he's doing his best to even his emotions to radiate calm and safe for her. after...yesterday's conversation, he's still a little uneasy but he wants her to remember she always has a home with him, even if it's not a physical one in the end. it's the least he can do for her as they reach the final stretch. ]
He'll love it. I think we should bring him and Reigen to the beach as soon as they come back. They can see the boat and we can hang out and they can have their own beach day. [ he thinks... ] We could just put the tank on the boat. Or, like, multiple tanks for all of them. We have the room.
[ it's like when you have millions of fish in your pockets in animal crossing and you just dump them out in tanks on the ground.]
[there's a bit of relief at that, and she sighs. duh. of course. of course he'll like it, don't be stupid.
the flowers bloom a little more fully as she shifts from foot to foot.]
That's true. [she holds his hand a little more tightly.] ... Is it dumb to be this excited? Not about the fish. About them coming back.
[there's this achy sort of feeling at this - she misses them so desperately. reigen and ace both, but - rocket, and mika, and whisper too. she feels kind of lame for it, but it's only because she's not quite sure to do with how much love she's got in her that really wants to be free.]
[ he grows quiet (or quieter, i guess), looking at the fish swimming around and around in their tiny bowls. there's a metaphor here, about how they, too, are just dumb little fish swimming around and around in a tiny bowl, confined to a space and just waiting for some act of the gods to set them free to something better. their friends are also tiny fish in tinier bowls, and they're the ones scooping them back up to bring them home.
nico really needs to stop letting his brain do things, and the flicker of confusion may feel out of place to her because it's at himself, like "shut up, what are you even talking about anymore?" but it settles again into something steadfast and reassuring. calm still. and a little nervous. ]
I dunno. If it is, we're being dumb together. So does it matter if it is? [ because regardless, they're doing it together, for people they've both desperately missed in ways that're hard to articulate some days. ]
[she'd probably laugh at him a bit if she knew what was going through his head, but it's not like it's wrong. she wants out of here so bad, she wants to take the people she's grown to love over the past few weeks and just - find somewhere safe. somewhere that she isn't the only one. that's what she'd told hanako. he'd said there was always somewhere like that out there for her, she just had to reach for it.]
Guess not. [she says, with a little smile.] I hope they cry.
[this is a little bit of a joke - gremlin behavior. she hopes they cry when they realize how loved they are.]
If they don't, I'm gonna be insulted. We were really thoughtful with their presents and everything. [ it's also a little bit of a joke, but he seems to pick up what she means. ] There...I miss them both a lot. But there're other people I'm looking forward to seeing again, too. The ones we haven't seen for even longer and then some of the ones who haven't been gone that long at all.
[ a faint flicker that can only be described as "overwhelmed." ] It'll be busy.
[she laughs a bit for real this time. yeah!! they better!! their GIFTS.
he can probably sense how her base level of like it's bad fam improves the longer she talks to him? she's been in a decent mood since sunday afternoon but even that is still like... worn out. it gets better.]
It's been a really long time since I've seen Rocket. [she says absently.] ... I'm glad you get to see all them again, too.
[just a hint of something like... worried, and then it gets pushed away, like she's reminding herself of something.]
[ which is a curious thing because nico sometimes is still too stupid to really get that he can make people feel better. but it's nice. it's nice that she feels that way, that she can feel better, that he can help her do that and he keeps his grip on her hand tight anyway when she seems to pause on that. ]
Mika, too. And it'll be nice to see Whisper and Norma again. Lillium's still a few levels higher than me in our game and I need him to let me into his world for farming sea ganodermas. [ ...he knows better than to say he wants to see danny again, too, to see if things have improved now that he and reigen were able to talk. but he's thinking it. ] ...you don't have to see anybody you don't want to though.
[she knows. really, she does, she knows she doesn't. she's just not sure if she's ready to see his hurt face when she doesn't say hello. maybe later. maybe after she hugs ace for an hour, maybe after she has a long talk with reigen.
she watches the fish, quietly, and then:]
Don't - actually, no. Never mind. [she says, huffy.] That's stupid, don't let me be stupid.
[she brings their clasped hands up and bonks him in the face with them nyeh!!!]
... I was just gonna say don't forget about me after everybody comes back but you're gonna make that face and go Nimona because I realize that it's dumb. It's lame. Don't acknowledge it.
[ she bonks him in the face with their hands and he just turns around and kisses her head with a loud, annoying smack. ]
I'm proud of you for recognizing that that's a really dumb thought. [ lmaoooo. but he seems...actually proud, weirdly. and fond. and a little exasperated in a "nimona, please." sort of way. ] Just because this is more friends I've had at the same time than I've probably actually had my entire life doesn't mean I'm going to forget my best friend.
[ which. to him, she's more than that, but he doesn't really know how to phrase it since he obviously has a sister, but it's the same kind of vibe. you know? yeah. ]
[WEH SHE GETS EMBARRASSED it's like a big wave of baby emotions. she's a little overwhelmed by it. she bats at him when he kisses her head, her ears going pink, but it's not very serious. maybe she's secretly pleased. just a little.
she holds his hand very tightly.]
I know. [she grumbles, but - she forgets, sometimes, and has to remind herself. it's the sharing thing, right? learning how to not dig your claws into the only thing that keeps you steady and dragging it down with you. it's so easy to overcorrect from i hate you all, i'd sell you all out to don't ever leave or else. she's being conscientious about it, to make sure that doesn't happen, to make sure she doesn't smother the life out of the things she wants to hold onto.]
This is way more friends than I've ever had, also. [and she's terrified to lose them, but she's letting herself believe she won't.] You're...
[ they're so similar because if anyone did this to him this would be the same reaction except maybe like 30% more bitchiness. his emotions seem to stay hovering at amused as he watches this happen, and he outright laughs a little when she bats at him and he pulls his head away. he lets a thumb smooth over her knuckles when she tightens the grip on his hand and he kind of settles for a smile while she processes that.
but. he thinks he sort of understands a little of where she's coming from. ]
It's, like, scary sometimes to have these kinds of friends. When you're not used to it, you kind of wonder how long you get to keep them because it's hard to imagine it'll be longer than you've had before. [ glancing at a fish, as if debating how big it might grow. ] ...even now sometimes I can get kind of jealous if Will's paying attention to other people besides me. And when Jason was still here, I spent a lot of time wondering when he'd stop hanging out with me and would go back to his other, better friends, even when he insisted on sticking around.
she's so huffy because she's thoroughly embarrassed to be Seen like this. sometimes you traumabond to a boy so bad that - well, yeah, like he says, you wonder when he's going to remember that he has better, happier friends to go with. she's reassured, at least he can feel that, but also she's going to fucking die.]
I'm not jealous, you're not that cool. [except for how he didn't say that she was jealous, and except for how he is, and she can't bring any sort of heat to it, because she loves him so much that she'd do anything for him. that's obvious. even if she has a hard time saying it.]
Not as cool as Saya, right? [ he will go back to being sappy and sincere at her in a second he has to bully the shit out of her to recalibrate and get her to be embarrassed in a whole other direction. but also, again, to assure her that she's pretty stuck with him for as long as she can handle it. which...well, maybe that's a different kind of forever, too. he's learning a lot about different kinds of love that he thought he'd never really ever be able to feel as intensely again. for friends. for people he thinks of as family. those little pieces he needs to rebuild himself into a whole person. nimona makes him feel a little more whole, and he has to hope maybe he does the same for her, too. ]
Yeah, actually! She's way cooler than you'll ever be, have you seen her? [die!!! except don't. she's never been teased about this sort of thing before and it's a novelty. it's... god, it's weird to feel like an actual teenager. like someone who isn't a thousand years old, waiting for someone to put a sword through her heart.]
[ he just kind of dances out of the way of the kick, except they're still holding hands so he actually sort of drags her with him like an idiot? and he's also laughing a little more openly at this.
and that's the thing, isn't it? it's a novelty to be an actual teenager. to not be seen as a monster. to not be seen as someone born with an unfortunate lineage that disgraced the gods. to not be old and tired and wondering how much more misery you can take on in your life that feels both far too long and not long enough. it's new and exciting and confusing and overwhelming to be able to be with other people who let you just...kind of be yourself, enjoy new things be the kid you never really got to be. ]
I mean, yeah? I have, and you're right, she's really cool. She's also much cuter than me. [ DON'T MAKE IT WORSE. ]
it's been - well, look, she's not sure she's ever liked someone the way that nico's teasing her about, not really. gloreth, maybe, but that... well. that was a lot, and it didn't end well, and in the end she's still not sure how she feels about it. she likes saya, but mostly she just wants to hang out with saya forever. it's been crazy to know that there's someone just like her who wants to stay.
which is why she's putting the tiny eldritch being in a backpack and bringing her with her.]
That's not hard, everybody is cuter than you. [she says, but she's laughing too as he drags her with him, leaving a burst of tulips and sunflowers behind her. a beat, and then:] If I went with you, could I bring her too?
[ hehe? honestly he doesn't even know if this is true, he just thinks it's extremely funny to tease her when her bias for saya is so blatantly obvious. he doesn't push her either way, figuring if she really hated being teased about it she'd tell him to shut up.
(it's not the same. it's not the same as a terrible god forcing you to admit to the things you couldn't bring yourself to say, to the feelings you were ashamed of.)
also considering he's probably in dumb distressed jeans, another slight crop top and an oversized hoodie she's right, everybody is cuter than him. even with the eyeliner he's wearing again. this has nothing to do with anything i just felt like it was important. ]
Tell me something I don't know. [ he says it like a joke, but there is a brief flash of something awkward and insecure with that as the thumb of his free hand spins a ring around his finger. but the flowers cheer him up almost immediately, and he hears the question and shrugs. ]
Yeah, obviously. You think she'd want to? I know she'll go wherever you are, but you've heard what our world's like.
[stop don't be insecure she's just teasing!! she feels that, though, and it does make her make a note to herself to not joke about that again. she's a rude fuck but not when people are sensitive about things.]
I don't think she really cares what world it is. [she says, thoughtfully.] Just as long as we stick together.
[there's a little pause, and then:] ... Are you too mad at Hanako to see him again after this?
[because - she's made some promises to him, too, but they don't have to include nico, the way that nico's been understanding about danny.]
[ it's only insecure because he's still very much trying to decide how he feels about his looks and trying to wear things that don't swallow his entire person, it's fine. don't look at him. ]
Then yeah. We'll bring Saya, too. Will's not going to say no and it's not like Saya's not our friend anyway. [ the question about hanako, unfortunately, gets a rapidfire of emotions that zip by way too fast for her to actually process, wildly flipping between angry and upset and hurt and confused and understanding and annoyed and back around to indifferent as much as he can. ]
I don't know. [ he's. he's pretty mad. ] ...do you understand why I'm mad in the first place? [ he's not really expecting her to, he's just curious what she thinks. ]
[oof those emotions are like a bunch of little punches to the chest. her own emotions are quiet for once. apprehensive, the way a dog in the corner watching someone approach might be.]
... Because he put you and Will up there. And he made you hurt him. [is her guess.]
...yes and no. [ this is where she can probably feel him drawing his emotions back in to quiet them down again. ] I don't know if Mouse is right and that Will would've been there even without Hanako's votes. But I think...if he could do this, why did he save them until the end? Why Will?
And why avoid it and then refuse to answer until he physically couldn't? He...actually seemed to express concern like he gave a shit if Will and I were fine. But maybe that was my mistake for thinking it actually meant anything outside of generally covering his tracks.
I don't know. I don't know why he does anything. He's got weird logic for stuff, and he - he doesn't have a problem with killing people he cares about. [she rubs her face a bit.] He was concerned about the quota getting filled when I talked to him.
So maybe he thought - maybe he thought it'd only count if Will got caught. Or maybe he just didn't want to get voted for. Or maybe he didn't even think. Maybe he just thought it doesn't matter, Will's coming back anyway. [...] I think he probably would've used all of them at the end regardless of whether it was Will or not.
[she glances at nico, with a tired frown.]
He promised me I wasn't going to be the only Tiger left, but he broke that promise to make sure I didn't die. So it's... [hard for her to be mad at him.]
[ he doesn't know if he cares. but that's irrational, so he's thinking it through again. all of that makes sense, but it...changes a few things in his own head that he'll have to deal with on his own later. ]
Yeah, I know. [ he has seen some memories. ] Stupid, when we know the quota's been met plenty of times by people who weren't caught. I think I'd been pretty mad even if it wasn't Will, but I...
[ it's a ripple of almost, like, anguish when he thinks too long about the other part. that people voted a certain way and put the two of them in an arena and forced the two of them to do things they'd promised not to do. it wasn't a three-headed dog versus a large python this time. it was two teenagers who couldn't change things. ]
Not thinking about that, or thinking about it as frivolously as that is dangerous. [ bottom line. but he sighs. ] So he did kill Danny. And Vane. [ because what else could he have done to break the promise of making sure Nimona wasn't the only tiger left? ]
...just like with Danny, I'm not going to tell you how you should feel. If you aren't mad at him, I'm not going to be mad at you for it. You should be able to feel how you feel about it without thinking about my own feelings.
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He'll love it. I think we should bring him and Reigen to the beach as soon as they come back. They can see the boat and we can hang out and they can have their own beach day. [ he thinks... ] We could just put the tank on the boat. Or, like, multiple tanks for all of them. We have the room.
[ it's like when you have millions of fish in your pockets in animal crossing and you just dump them out in tanks on the ground.]
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the flowers bloom a little more fully as she shifts from foot to foot.]
That's true. [she holds his hand a little more tightly.] ... Is it dumb to be this excited? Not about the fish. About them coming back.
[there's this achy sort of feeling at this - she misses them so desperately. reigen and ace both, but - rocket, and mika, and whisper too. she feels kind of lame for it, but it's only because she's not quite sure to do with how much love she's got in her that really wants to be free.]
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nico really needs to stop letting his brain do things, and the flicker of confusion may feel out of place to her because it's at himself, like "shut up, what are you even talking about anymore?" but it settles again into something steadfast and reassuring. calm still. and a little nervous. ]
I dunno. If it is, we're being dumb together. So does it matter if it is? [ because regardless, they're doing it together, for people they've both desperately missed in ways that're hard to articulate some days. ]
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Guess not. [she says, with a little smile.] I hope they cry.
[this is a little bit of a joke - gremlin behavior. she hopes they cry when they realize how loved they are.]
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[ a faint flicker that can only be described as "overwhelmed." ] It'll be busy.
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he can probably sense how her base level of like it's bad fam improves the longer she talks to him? she's been in a decent mood since sunday afternoon but even that is still like... worn out. it gets better.]
It's been a really long time since I've seen Rocket. [she says absently.] ... I'm glad you get to see all them again, too.
[just a hint of something like... worried, and then it gets pushed away, like she's reminding herself of something.]
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Mika, too. And it'll be nice to see Whisper and Norma again. Lillium's still a few levels higher than me in our game and I need him to let me into his world for farming sea ganodermas. [ ...he knows better than to say he wants to see danny again, too, to see if things have improved now that he and reigen were able to talk. but he's thinking it. ] ...you don't have to see anybody you don't want to though.
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she watches the fish, quietly, and then:]
Don't - actually, no. Never mind. [she says, huffy.] That's stupid, don't let me be stupid.
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You mean in general, or about something specific? [ he cannot make promises. ]
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... I was just gonna say don't forget about me after everybody comes back but you're gonna make that face and go Nimona because I realize that it's dumb. It's lame. Don't acknowledge it.
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I'm proud of you for recognizing that that's a really dumb thought. [ lmaoooo. but he seems...actually proud, weirdly. and fond. and a little exasperated in a "nimona, please." sort of way. ] Just because this is more friends I've had at the same time than I've probably actually had my entire life doesn't mean I'm going to forget my best friend.
[ which. to him, she's more than that, but he doesn't really know how to phrase it since he obviously has a sister, but it's the same kind of vibe. you know? yeah. ]
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she holds his hand very tightly.]
I know. [she grumbles, but - she forgets, sometimes, and has to remind herself. it's the sharing thing, right? learning how to not dig your claws into the only thing that keeps you steady and dragging it down with you. it's so easy to overcorrect from i hate you all, i'd sell you all out to don't ever leave or else. she's being conscientious about it, to make sure that doesn't happen, to make sure she doesn't smother the life out of the things she wants to hold onto.]
This is way more friends than I've ever had, also. [and she's terrified to lose them, but she's letting herself believe she won't.] You're...
[she starts, and then gets flustered again.]
Fine, I guess. [stop be GENUINE]
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but. he thinks he sort of understands a little of where she's coming from. ]
It's, like, scary sometimes to have these kinds of friends. When you're not used to it, you kind of wonder how long you get to keep them because it's hard to imagine it'll be longer than you've had before. [ glancing at a fish, as if debating how big it might grow. ] ...even now sometimes I can get kind of jealous if Will's paying attention to other people besides me. And when Jason was still here, I spent a lot of time wondering when he'd stop hanging out with me and would go back to his other, better friends, even when he insisted on sticking around.
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she's so huffy because she's thoroughly embarrassed to be Seen like this. sometimes you traumabond to a boy so bad that - well, yeah, like he says, you wonder when he's going to remember that he has better, happier friends to go with. she's reassured, at least he can feel that, but also she's going to fucking die.]
I'm not jealous, you're not that cool. [except for how he didn't say that she was jealous, and except for how he is, and she can't bring any sort of heat to it, because she loves him so much that she'd do anything for him. that's obvious. even if she has a hard time saying it.]
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there is just. sudden. gremlin energy.
and a serene little smile... ]
Not as cool as Saya, right? [ he will go back to being sappy and sincere at her in a second he has to bully the shit out of her to recalibrate and get her to be embarrassed in a whole other direction. but also, again, to assure her that she's pretty stuck with him for as long as she can handle it. which...well, maybe that's a different kind of forever, too. he's learning a lot about different kinds of love that he thought he'd never really ever be able to feel as intensely again. for friends. for people he thinks of as family. those little pieces he needs to rebuild himself into a whole person. nimona makes him feel a little more whole, and he has to hope maybe he does the same for her, too. ]
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she splutters, and kicks at him vaguely.]
Yeah, actually! She's way cooler than you'll ever be, have you seen her? [die!!! except don't. she's never been teased about this sort of thing before and it's a novelty. it's... god, it's weird to feel like an actual teenager. like someone who isn't a thousand years old, waiting for someone to put a sword through her heart.]
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and that's the thing, isn't it? it's a novelty to be an actual teenager. to not be seen as a monster. to not be seen as someone born with an unfortunate lineage that disgraced the gods. to not be old and tired and wondering how much more misery you can take on in your life that feels both far too long and not long enough. it's new and exciting and confusing and overwhelming to be able to be with other people who let you just...kind of be yourself, enjoy new things be the kid you never really got to be. ]
I mean, yeah? I have, and you're right, she's really cool. She's also much cuter than me. [ DON'T MAKE IT WORSE. ]
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it's been - well, look, she's not sure she's ever liked someone the way that nico's teasing her about, not really. gloreth, maybe, but that... well. that was a lot, and it didn't end well, and in the end she's still not sure how she feels about it. she likes saya, but mostly she just wants to hang out with saya forever. it's been crazy to know that there's someone just like her who wants to stay.
which is why she's putting the tiny eldritch being in a backpack and bringing her with her.]
That's not hard, everybody is cuter than you. [she says, but she's laughing too as he drags her with him, leaving a burst of tulips and sunflowers behind her. a beat, and then:] If I went with you, could I bring her too?
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(it's not the same. it's not the same as a terrible god forcing you to admit to the things you couldn't bring yourself to say, to the feelings you were ashamed of.)
also considering he's probably in dumb distressed jeans, another slight crop top and an oversized hoodie she's right, everybody is cuter than him. even with the eyeliner he's wearing again. this has nothing to do with anything i just felt like it was important. ]
Tell me something I don't know. [ he says it like a joke, but there is a brief flash of something awkward and insecure with that as the thumb of his free hand spins a ring around his finger. but the flowers cheer him up almost immediately, and he hears the question and shrugs. ]
Yeah, obviously. You think she'd want to? I know she'll go wherever you are, but you've heard what our world's like.
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I don't think she really cares what world it is. [she says, thoughtfully.] Just as long as we stick together.
[there's a little pause, and then:] ... Are you too mad at Hanako to see him again after this?
[because - she's made some promises to him, too, but they don't have to include nico, the way that nico's been understanding about danny.]
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Then yeah. We'll bring Saya, too. Will's not going to say no and it's not like Saya's not our friend anyway. [ the question about hanako, unfortunately, gets a rapidfire of emotions that zip by way too fast for her to actually process, wildly flipping between angry and upset and hurt and confused and understanding and annoyed and back around to indifferent as much as he can. ]
I don't know. [ he's. he's pretty mad. ] ...do you understand why I'm mad in the first place? [ he's not really expecting her to, he's just curious what she thinks. ]
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... Because he put you and Will up there. And he made you hurt him. [is her guess.]
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And why avoid it and then refuse to answer until he physically couldn't? He...actually seemed to express concern like he gave a shit if Will and I were fine. But maybe that was my mistake for thinking it actually meant anything outside of generally covering his tracks.
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I don't know. I don't know why he does anything. He's got weird logic for stuff, and he - he doesn't have a problem with killing people he cares about. [she rubs her face a bit.] He was concerned about the quota getting filled when I talked to him.
So maybe he thought - maybe he thought it'd only count if Will got caught. Or maybe he just didn't want to get voted for. Or maybe he didn't even think. Maybe he just thought it doesn't matter, Will's coming back anyway. [...] I think he probably would've used all of them at the end regardless of whether it was Will or not.
[she glances at nico, with a tired frown.]
He promised me I wasn't going to be the only Tiger left, but he broke that promise to make sure I didn't die. So it's... [hard for her to be mad at him.]
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Yeah, I know. [ he has seen some memories. ] Stupid, when we know the quota's been met plenty of times by people who weren't caught. I think I'd been pretty mad even if it wasn't Will, but I...
[ it's a ripple of almost, like, anguish when he thinks too long about the other part. that people voted a certain way and put the two of them in an arena and forced the two of them to do things they'd promised not to do. it wasn't a three-headed dog versus a large python this time. it was two teenagers who couldn't change things. ]
Not thinking about that, or thinking about it as frivolously as that is dangerous. [ bottom line. but he sighs. ] So he did kill Danny. And Vane. [ because what else could he have done to break the promise of making sure Nimona wasn't the only tiger left? ]
...just like with Danny, I'm not going to tell you how you should feel. If you aren't mad at him, I'm not going to be mad at you for it. You should be able to feel how you feel about it without thinking about my own feelings.
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