[ he's just going to wrap her hand to try and help with the fracture once he finishes removing the splinters. ]
Not allowing yourself to feel how you want to feel about it isn't healthy. But acting on your first instinct isn't either. And it's awful to try and figure out what you're supposed to do when all you want to do is react. Like I said. I'm not saying you have to forgive him. You don't even have to take any of what I said into consideration. I'm not here to sway your feelings.
What I am here for is for you to figure it out with me until we know how to move forward.
[she says, maybe a bit angry, a bit snappy. defensive, because it's what she hears when he says don't act on your first instinct. she realizes it's probably not fair to be angry at nico, though, and she just exhales, harsh. her head hurts.]
... I don't. I don't think I can.
[forgive him, she means. maybe it'll change if they can get everybody back, but there's too much about this that feels like a betrayal that she's not built to get over. so many people have hurt her in her long life that it's hard to go back.]
[ he's not exactly fast enough to hide his surprised and kind of hurt expression when she says that because that's not what he was thinking, but...he can't really blame her for thinking that way either. so he doesn't call her on it, finishing what he's doing and looking at his work instead of her. ]
That's fine. [ he's not going to force her to. that's between them, and he hasn't even really properly sorted his own feelings on it or if he can forgive danny either. ] ...think you can at least try to work with him enough to help bring everybody back? We might need everyone to cooperate enough when the moon strikes.
[ he wouldn't blame her if she said no to that, too, but he wants to get a read on it. ]
[she actually does feel pretty instantly horrible for snapping at him, she's just. in a state.
when he keeps working, she shifts on the counter, rubbing at her face with her free hand.]
I'm not gonna do anything that's going to make it too hard for the dead to come back. [she mumbles, with a sniff.] I'll do whatever I have to to make sure they're okay, and that you get to go home.
[ yeah it's fair. he knows she's taking this a lot harder than he is (or at least a lot harder than he's processed at the moment, and maybe later when he's alone and lets himself think more about it it'll hit like a tidal wave) and so he doesn't want to make her feel worse. ]
Okay. That's all we can do right now. Oceanside's not that big, and I know there's a chance we'll run into each other out there. The more we can at least work together, the better our chances are of bringing everyone back so we can all get out of here. [ ... ] Do...you want me to stop talking to him?
[ well. obviously he does, because that's kind of what you do when you care about people. you give them the comfort they're actually asking for, and since she's reaching out he's just scooping her up again. ]
Even if you were I probably wouldn't listen. [ there's no heat to it, very obviously teasing and talking shit because they both know that if it was something she felt strongly about he'd default to her. but he's relieved he doesn't have to choose. he knows that maybe in his own time, maybe he'll find it's too hard to forgive danny. that he'll take back what he said. but somewhere in his heart he knows that ripping away that second chance would just...it wouldn't make him any better than some other people he's dealt with in his life.
it's an exhausting thought, and so he's holding her and stroking her hair again while she's burrowed into his shirt. ]
...how do you wanna do this, Nimona? Do you want to try and feel a little better? Or do you want the time to feel sad? [ sad, angry, betrayed, all those fun little emotions. he only asks because he knows how he functions and won't assume everyone can just shove all of their emotions in a nice little box to deal with Later. ]
[she kind of likes being scooped, not that she'd admit it.
she stays where she is, arms around his neck, eyes closed. she doesn't feel good about any of this. all of it sucks. and she doesn't like the position it puts either of them in - doesn't like that nico even felt like he needed to ask her if she wanted him to stop.
she's quiet for a little bit after he asks her, and then:]
I don't know. [she kind of just sounds miserable.] I didn't think that far ahead.
[she doesn't know if she can pick. she's not sure she can compartmentalize like that.]
[ that's fair. he sort of nods to that, and he doesn't say much before he walks out of the bathroom and heads toward the kitchen.
he doesn't put her down. he just keeps her on his hip, lets her hold him around the neck and starts setting some things out. a pot, first, flicking on the heat of the stove. water in the pot. pork and cubed pumpkin out of the fridge. fish sauce. salt and pepper.
he doesn't make her talk. he doesn't put her down, and he seems to be struggling to remember some things as he slowly goes bit by bit into making some kind of soup. we're pretending it's faster than the actual time needed, but eventually once everything is added he lets it simmer and sets a timer on his phone, turning to lean against the counter while still holding onto her.
does he explain? no. ]
I didn't expect you to think about it before I asked, really. Just wanted to ask.
she stays where she is, clinging. she appreciates not having to talk for a while, actually, and by the time he's finished putting things together she seems more sleepy than anything. all the adrenaline is gone, and she's safe here, with him, so it's way, way too easy to just zone out, idly watching him cook.
when he finally talks, she closes her eyes.]
I'm not really sad. [or - well, maybe she is. but more than anything she's just kind of resentful.]
[ no, he made it for the two of them and nico watched without really telling him he was watching. so sort of.
he doesn't mind hanging out and waiting for the soup to simmer, keeping her secure there and letting her wind herself down. it's. weird. he knows it's weird. he knows it's weird to be doing this and thinking of it as kind of healing his own inner child because he and nimona are so similar, but simultaneously it's mostly that he knows nobody's ever actually helped her try to process her feelings. people hadn't bothered with him either for years. he doesn't think it's fair.
so he lets her cling sleepily, but when she answers he tilts his head to look at her briefly. ]
Yeah? [ conversationally. ] Do you know what you'd call it if you had to name it?
[ it's really terrible that nico di angelo started going to therapy, actually. ]
[ well to be fair danny got their adults killed and that's why they're here. but this comes from years of nico taking care of himself, too, and then having someone like will come along and try to reverse the damage. ]
All of which are extremely valid. He said he never had any interest or intention of killing Reigen before he was asked, but it doesn't change that it happened. [ he glances at a pumpkin in the corner on the counter. ] It's a weird feeling because we kind of trusted him, you know? It always sucks when people we try to take a chance on end up doing something to screw us over.
also me as that pumpkin. she's thinking between her answers, so it takes her a bit to reply - her brain feels like sludge.]
I don't do that. [she says, finally.] I don't trust people like that, it's dumb.
[but nico knows that's a lie, and she knows he knows, she knows he knows that she's posturing. she has, here. she trusted reigen, and ace, and she trusts nico, she trusts their stupid little jailbreaker crew, she trusts saya and temenos. and for a while she was ready to trust danny, too, because the rest of them had made it easy. it's just an unfortunate reminder.]
I don't... [she starts, and then:] I have nowhere for this to like, go.
Yup. Totally dumb, 0/10, would never recommend. [ he says, knowing she is full of shit and letting her say it to say it. he crosses one foot over the other at the ankle, the sole of his sneaker agains the cabinet for balance as he thinks that through. ]
...it's hard when it happens unexpectedly. [ he says, first, and there's a very stray little thought of every time. every time it's hard. before he lets it lazily drift away. ] When you have all of these feelings that you want to unleash, but you aren't sure it's fair to because circumstances make things a little harder than if you'd just done it the first time.
[ there's a pause. and for the second time today, he decides to tell someone a story. ]
Did I ever tell you about what happened when I learned Bianca died?
[ again, also fair. he looks at the ceiling and lets her hold onto his shirt, sort of swaying them back and forth more out of a necessity to move than anything. ]
..when we were first rescued and found by Grover, he'd brought Percy, Annabeth and Thalia with him to get us out of our boarding school so we could be taken to camp. A lot of things happened between the time we left there and the time we arrived at camp, including Annabeth disappearing, the Hunters of Artemis showing up, and Bianca deciding to join them instead of staying at camp with me. They offered her a place amongst the hunters, and...all of Lady Artemis's hunters are girls. Pure maidens who never age. Bianca...chose that, instead of talking to me, and instead of choosing to stay at camp.
Then Lady Artemis went missing, and her hunters were given the quest to find her. Only a few of them could go. Bianca was one of them. But Percy had the idea of follow them because he wanted to find Annabeth. So...I knew he'd go. I knew he would infiltrate their quest, and I made him promise me that he'd take care of Bianca.
...when they got back, he told me the news. How they'd been passing through the junkyard of the gods. How they weren't supposed to take anything. How Bianca picked up something, and how an automaton giant attacked all of them. And...how she sacrificed herself to save all of them. It had been her choice, but...it didn't matter. It didn't matter that she'd picked up something for me, specifically, to bring back to me. It didn't matter that she'd died a hero's death. All that mattered was that Percy had promised to protect her, and he didn't. [ .... ] That was the first time I ever sensed someone's death. I'd...been having nightmares, about her being down in Asphodel awaiting judgment to be evaluated and placed in the Underworld. I didn't understand any of it, I just knew it was true. And I just...was so mad at Percy. He'd lied to me, and I felt like I shouldn't have trusted him. So...my powers sort of manifested. Skeletons came up, and they attacked him. I didn't realize it was me. I didn't realize what was happening until I banished all of them through a twenty-foot fissure in the ground. [ there's a nice little thought bubble of several skeleton warriors being swallowed whole, flames erupting through the fissure and the earth closing with a loud crunch as a twenty-foot scar ran through the marble floor of the dining pavilion. ]
...I told him I wished he were dead, and I ran. I didn't come back for three years. [ there's a point to the story, but...he's letting her digest that all first. ]
The Titan war was starting to happen not long before I left. I don't...I don't know if they would have bothered looking for me at first if they weren't worried I'd be recruited to Kronos's army. I left camp, but I was still working on things outside. I was on my own for a while as I was learning how to use my powers. And...trying to bring Bianca back. [ a pause. that's a story for another time, he thinks. ] I was in the Underworld for a while, too, trying to do things for my father and also convince him to join the rest of the Olympians in the fight.
[ ... ] ...but maybe, stupidly, part of it was maybe just because of Percy. I'd told him I hated him and that I wished he were dead because he'd broken his promise. But I still...really liked him. A lot. For reasons I didn't want to think about. When he needed my help, of course I said yes. Of course I was going to do whatever it took to keep him safe. And then when the Titan war was over and Kronos was defeated, I stayed at camp for a few weeks.
That was several months later. The Titan War ended in August. ...some things happened. I found Hazel and I brought her back out of the Underworld. I escorted her to Camp Jupiter. I was the only Greek demigod to even know about the Roman camp at the time, and Hades asked me to stay there and pretend to be an ambassador for Pluto in order to try and bridge the gap between them.
A few months after all of that is when I started working with the others and the second Great Prophecy. The Giant War started brewing around December, and it didn't end officially until about August. That's when I finally stayed at camp for good.
[she shifts a little, settling so she can rest her head against his shoulder, hands tucked up under her chin.]
I think you've mentioned Hazel before. [she's vaguely unsure on if she's his sister or not. she's also not sure entirely why he's telling her all this but it doesn't make her any less interested to just. hear more about him. all the little things.]
[ she's still little so she can still hang out and he'll hold onto her. ]
Yeah. She's my sister. I...didn't know she existed until I went down there to try and find Bianca. Hazel was just waiting around in Asphodel, and...I could feel that she didn't belong there. And with the Doors of Death being wide open, I just brought her out with me, and Hades never made her go back. Her father's Pluto though, the Roman form of Hades. The two versions have differences based on the beliefs of the people and everything.
[ ...as for why he's bringing it up. ]
...anyway, my point was...when I first ran away from camp it's because I had nowhere for everything I was feeling to go. After she died and I was left alone, and after Percy broke his promise when I'd trusted him, I couldn't figure out how to deal with what I was feeling. I was so angry I really did want him dead. He'd let Bianca die, so what did it matter? But I still...cared about him a lot, so then I started being mad at myself for still caring and for thinking I could trust him, and mad at Bianca for just letting this happen, and mad at the world for giving me all of the problems I'd never asked for when all I wanted to do was figure out how to survive. It took about four and a half years or so to really make peace with some things. And there were others I didn't even make peace with until...uh. Like right before I got here.
So I guess my point is...nobody's expecting you to know where to go with a situation like this right away. I just don't want you to pick a course of action and go with it just because it's the first thing that feels right.
I don't think it's the same for me. [she says, finally, honestly.] I get what you're telling me, though.
[she's glad, she thinks, that he can sit back and reflect and decide that maybe he can get past it, but she genuinely thinks she isn't like that. nico is good - he's a good person who reaches out for the weirdos and the unwanted people, and she loves him for that, because she can't make herself unlearn a thousand years of protecting herself.
[ he gently grabs her hand to redirect it. no. no picking. ]
That's fine. I guess I just...[ ...he pauses again to think. ] Maybe I also just felt like you should know those things. [ to understand him a little better and why he is conflicted, he thinks. ] But you don't have to think the same way I do. You're you and I'm me and that's just why we work. I'm gonna back you up no matter how you feel.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Not allowing yourself to feel how you want to feel about it isn't healthy. But acting on your first instinct isn't either. And it's awful to try and figure out what you're supposed to do when all you want to do is react. Like I said. I'm not saying you have to forgive him. You don't even have to take any of what I said into consideration. I'm not here to sway your feelings.
What I am here for is for you to figure it out with me until we know how to move forward.
no subject
[she says, maybe a bit angry, a bit snappy. defensive, because it's what she hears when he says don't act on your first instinct. she realizes it's probably not fair to be angry at nico, though, and she just exhales, harsh. her head hurts.]
... I don't. I don't think I can.
[forgive him, she means. maybe it'll change if they can get everybody back, but there's too much about this that feels like a betrayal that she's not built to get over. so many people have hurt her in her long life that it's hard to go back.]
no subject
That's fine. [ he's not going to force her to. that's between them, and he hasn't even really properly sorted his own feelings on it or if he can forgive danny either. ] ...think you can at least try to work with him enough to help bring everybody back? We might need everyone to cooperate enough when the moon strikes.
[ he wouldn't blame her if she said no to that, too, but he wants to get a read on it. ]
no subject
when he keeps working, she shifts on the counter, rubbing at her face with her free hand.]
I'm not gonna do anything that's going to make it too hard for the dead to come back. [she mumbles, with a sniff.] I'll do whatever I have to to make sure they're okay, and that you get to go home.
no subject
Okay. That's all we can do right now. Oceanside's not that big, and I know there's a chance we'll run into each other out there. The more we can at least work together, the better our chances are of bringing everyone back so we can all get out of here. [ ... ] Do...you want me to stop talking to him?
no subject
No. [she says, muffled into his shirt if he lets her hug him.] I'm not the boss of you.
[you're a better person than me for still wanting to.]
no subject
Even if you were I probably wouldn't listen. [ there's no heat to it, very obviously teasing and talking shit because they both know that if it was something she felt strongly about he'd default to her. but he's relieved he doesn't have to choose. he knows that maybe in his own time, maybe he'll find it's too hard to forgive danny. that he'll take back what he said. but somewhere in his heart he knows that ripping away that second chance would just...it wouldn't make him any better than some other people he's dealt with in his life.
it's an exhausting thought, and so he's holding her and stroking her hair again while she's burrowed into his shirt. ]
...how do you wanna do this, Nimona? Do you want to try and feel a little better? Or do you want the time to feel sad? [ sad, angry, betrayed, all those fun little emotions. he only asks because he knows how he functions and won't assume everyone can just shove all of their emotions in a nice little box to deal with Later. ]
no subject
she stays where she is, arms around his neck, eyes closed. she doesn't feel good about any of this. all of it sucks. and she doesn't like the position it puts either of them in - doesn't like that nico even felt like he needed to ask her if she wanted him to stop.
she's quiet for a little bit after he asks her, and then:]
I don't know. [she kind of just sounds miserable.] I didn't think that far ahead.
[she doesn't know if she can pick. she's not sure she can compartmentalize like that.]
no subject
he doesn't put her down. he just keeps her on his hip, lets her hold him around the neck and starts setting some things out. a pot, first, flicking on the heat of the stove. water in the pot. pork and cubed pumpkin out of the fridge. fish sauce. salt and pepper.
he doesn't make her talk. he doesn't put her down, and he seems to be struggling to remember some things as he slowly goes bit by bit into making some kind of soup. we're pretending it's faster than the actual time needed, but eventually once everything is added he lets it simmer and sets a timer on his phone, turning to lean against the counter while still holding onto her.
does he explain? no. ]
I didn't expect you to think about it before I asked, really. Just wanted to ask.
no subject
she stays where she is, clinging. she appreciates not having to talk for a while, actually, and by the time he's finished putting things together she seems more sleepy than anything. all the adrenaline is gone, and she's safe here, with him, so it's way, way too easy to just zone out, idly watching him cook.
when he finally talks, she closes her eyes.]
I'm not really sad. [or - well, maybe she is. but more than anything she's just kind of resentful.]
no subject
he doesn't mind hanging out and waiting for the soup to simmer, keeping her secure there and letting her wind herself down. it's. weird. he knows it's weird. he knows it's weird to be doing this and thinking of it as kind of healing his own inner child because he and nimona are so similar, but simultaneously it's mostly that he knows nobody's ever actually helped her try to process her feelings. people hadn't bothered with him either for years. he doesn't think it's fair.
so he lets her cling sleepily, but when she answers he tilts his head to look at her briefly. ]
Yeah? [ conversationally. ] Do you know what you'd call it if you had to name it?
[ it's really terrible that nico di angelo started going to therapy, actually. ]
no subject
she watches the soup, sorting through it.]
Mad. [she says, grouchily, but. that's not a good answer.] ... Bitter, I guess. Resentful.
[betrayed is a good one - she knows a lot of the emotions she's feeling right now are the ones she felt when ballister pulled a sword on her.]
no subject
All of which are extremely valid. He said he never had any interest or intention of killing Reigen before he was asked, but it doesn't change that it happened. [ he glances at a pumpkin in the corner on the counter. ] It's a weird feeling because we kind of trusted him, you know? It always sucks when people we try to take a chance on end up doing something to screw us over.
no subject
also me as that pumpkin. she's thinking between her answers, so it takes her a bit to reply - her brain feels like sludge.]
I don't do that. [she says, finally.] I don't trust people like that, it's dumb.
[but nico knows that's a lie, and she knows he knows, she knows he knows that she's posturing. she has, here. she trusted reigen, and ace, and she trusts nico, she trusts their stupid little jailbreaker crew, she trusts saya and temenos. and for a while she was ready to trust danny, too, because the rest of them had made it easy. it's just an unfortunate reminder.]
I don't... [she starts, and then:] I have nowhere for this to like, go.
no subject
...it's hard when it happens unexpectedly. [ he says, first, and there's a very stray little thought of every time. every time it's hard. before he lets it lazily drift away. ] When you have all of these feelings that you want to unleash, but you aren't sure it's fair to because circumstances make things a little harder than if you'd just done it the first time.
[ there's a pause. and for the second time today, he decides to tell someone a story. ]
Did I ever tell you about what happened when I learned Bianca died?
no subject
... No, I don't think so. [her fingers curl into his shirt a little.]
no subject
..when we were first rescued and found by Grover, he'd brought Percy, Annabeth and Thalia with him to get us out of our boarding school so we could be taken to camp. A lot of things happened between the time we left there and the time we arrived at camp, including Annabeth disappearing, the Hunters of Artemis showing up, and Bianca deciding to join them instead of staying at camp with me. They offered her a place amongst the hunters, and...all of Lady Artemis's hunters are girls. Pure maidens who never age. Bianca...chose that, instead of talking to me, and instead of choosing to stay at camp.
Then Lady Artemis went missing, and her hunters were given the quest to find her. Only a few of them could go. Bianca was one of them. But Percy had the idea of follow them because he wanted to find Annabeth. So...I knew he'd go. I knew he would infiltrate their quest, and I made him promise me that he'd take care of Bianca.
...when they got back, he told me the news. How they'd been passing through the junkyard of the gods. How they weren't supposed to take anything. How Bianca picked up something, and how an automaton giant attacked all of them. And...how she sacrificed herself to save all of them. It had been her choice, but...it didn't matter. It didn't matter that she'd picked up something for me, specifically, to bring back to me. It didn't matter that she'd died a hero's death. All that mattered was that Percy had promised to protect her, and he didn't. [ .... ] That was the first time I ever sensed someone's death. I'd...been having nightmares, about her being down in Asphodel awaiting judgment to be evaluated and placed in the Underworld. I didn't understand any of it, I just knew it was true. And I just...was so mad at Percy. He'd lied to me, and I felt like I shouldn't have trusted him. So...my powers sort of manifested. Skeletons came up, and they attacked him. I didn't realize it was me. I didn't realize what was happening until I banished all of them through a twenty-foot fissure in the ground. [ there's a nice little thought bubble of several skeleton warriors being swallowed whole, flames erupting through the fissure and the earth closing with a loud crunch as a twenty-foot scar ran through the marble floor of the dining pavilion. ]
...I told him I wished he were dead, and I ran. I didn't come back for three years. [ there's a point to the story, but...he's letting her digest that all first. ]
no subject
she listens - and carefully, when he pauses, she hugs him a little more tightly.]
... What made you come back?
no subject
The Titan war was starting to happen not long before I left. I don't...I don't know if they would have bothered looking for me at first if they weren't worried I'd be recruited to Kronos's army. I left camp, but I was still working on things outside. I was on my own for a while as I was learning how to use my powers. And...trying to bring Bianca back. [ a pause. that's a story for another time, he thinks. ] I was in the Underworld for a while, too, trying to do things for my father and also convince him to join the rest of the Olympians in the fight.
[ ... ] ...but maybe, stupidly, part of it was maybe just because of Percy. I'd told him I hated him and that I wished he were dead because he'd broken his promise. But I still...really liked him. A lot. For reasons I didn't want to think about. When he needed my help, of course I said yes. Of course I was going to do whatever it took to keep him safe. And then when the Titan war was over and Kronos was defeated, I stayed at camp for a few weeks.
no subject
That was when you got to know all the people like Jason and stuff, right? Or was that later?
no subject
That was several months later. The Titan War ended in August. ...some things happened. I found Hazel and I brought her back out of the Underworld. I escorted her to Camp Jupiter. I was the only Greek demigod to even know about the Roman camp at the time, and Hades asked me to stay there and pretend to be an ambassador for Pluto in order to try and bridge the gap between them.
A few months after all of that is when I started working with the others and the second Great Prophecy. The Giant War started brewing around December, and it didn't end officially until about August. That's when I finally stayed at camp for good.
no subject
I think you've mentioned Hazel before. [she's vaguely unsure on if she's his sister or not. she's also not sure entirely why he's telling her all this but it doesn't make her any less interested to just. hear more about him. all the little things.]
no subject
Yeah. She's my sister. I...didn't know she existed until I went down there to try and find Bianca. Hazel was just waiting around in Asphodel, and...I could feel that she didn't belong there. And with the Doors of Death being wide open, I just brought her out with me, and Hades never made her go back. Her father's Pluto though, the Roman form of Hades. The two versions have differences based on the beliefs of the people and everything.
[ ...as for why he's bringing it up. ]
...anyway, my point was...when I first ran away from camp it's because I had nowhere for everything I was feeling to go. After she died and I was left alone, and after Percy broke his promise when I'd trusted him, I couldn't figure out how to deal with what I was feeling. I was so angry I really did want him dead. He'd let Bianca die, so what did it matter? But I still...cared about him a lot, so then I started being mad at myself for still caring and for thinking I could trust him, and mad at Bianca for just letting this happen, and mad at the world for giving me all of the problems I'd never asked for when all I wanted to do was figure out how to survive. It took about four and a half years or so to really make peace with some things. And there were others I didn't even make peace with until...uh. Like right before I got here.
So I guess my point is...nobody's expecting you to know where to go with a situation like this right away. I just don't want you to pick a course of action and go with it just because it's the first thing that feels right.
no subject
I don't think it's the same for me. [she says, finally, honestly.] I get what you're telling me, though.
[she's glad, she thinks, that he can sit back and reflect and decide that maybe he can get past it, but she genuinely thinks she isn't like that. nico is good - he's a good person who reaches out for the weirdos and the unwanted people, and she loves him for that, because she can't make herself unlearn a thousand years of protecting herself.
she picks at a scar on her chest, absently.]
no subject
That's fine. I guess I just...[ ...he pauses again to think. ] Maybe I also just felt like you should know those things. [ to understand him a little better and why he is conflicted, he thinks. ] But you don't have to think the same way I do. You're you and I'm me and that's just why we work. I'm gonna back you up no matter how you feel.