she clings to him. with both hands, broken one too. it hurts the way it should. she's just. processing, she's trying to reconcile that, and then, a little desperately:]
What the fuck am I supposed to do with that, Nico?
I don't know. [ honestly. he literally has no fucking idea, and the frustration leaks into his tone as they make their way back to phoenix dorm. ] I'm not...it's not an excuse. It still happened. We still lost both of those people. [ and there are certain things danny said to him that he does not mention for good reason. but more importantly: ]
I'm not telling you to forgive him. That's a choice you have to make yourself, and I don't even know if forgiveness is an option. But knowing that he was told to do it because it's a part of this stupid game changes the context just a little.
[there's - the thing is, there's no release, from that. if he'd just picked to do it, if it'd just been him, it'd be easier. but of course it isn't. of course it wasn't his choice. and of course she can't be mad.
it still happened. he still looked for every way to save himself, for a way to throw ace under the bus, and ace still died, and she still had to watch ace drown himself and danny still built a treehouse with her and she still saw reigen's heart all over the floor and had to see nico's face when he realized it, and the shitty thing is, wouldn't she? wouldn't she try to save herself? would she? or would she just give herself over?
she doesn't think she can separate those parts. not yet.
she rests her head on nico's shoulder and doesn't say anything.]
[ he lets her rest there, one hand holding her up and the other coming up to smooth her hair back a little and keep her head there while they're walking.
it's a lot to process and this close up she can probably see his own eyes are rimmed red as he focuses on where they're going and seems to be concentrating, to figure out what to say to her. ]
she's holding onto him so tightly. this form is a blessing for a lot of reasons, but the fact that she feels less stupid for holding onto him like this is the biggest one right now.]
I knew I wasn't stupid. [she hiccups, but it's more angry than anything.] Nobody else could've done it. I had his power.
[ it's fine, to be quite honest her crying is probably the reason he's not and he's grateful for that even though his eyes itch and his head is throbbing a little. but as always his primary focus is other people. his primary focus is on this girl he's come to love as his own family, someone who knew just how hard it was to trust and what it meant for that trust to be shattered in an instance and how hard it would be to ever rebuild it to what it was, if it could be.
by now they're approaching the dorms, and he's keeping his grip on her tight and holding her as he enters phoenix and swipes to call for the elevator. ]
I know. One of the first times I ever spoke to him he pulled me through the roof of that capsule hotel. We were scouting together. I even told Ace that...when it's a power you're used to having, you know what your limitations are and what you can do. If he was under the effect of 1000%, it only made sense things went too far.
[ and i know he feels guilty. i know he's upset. but does that change the fact that it happened? i don't know yet.
he leads her into the dorm and immediately carries her to his bathroom, white lilies still blossoming with each step and he's very pointedly avoiding looking at the bedroom next to his. he doesn't bother to put her down, but he crouches to grab a first aid kit and opening it to look for some supplies. disinfectant. tweezers. etc. ]
[that's the thing, too. she's gotten so far, here, with people. she's put her trust in people just like her, and for the most part, they haven't let her down. and she knows there are circumstances to this, but it's like having a rug pulled out from her. it took so long to get to a point where she could be friendly with danny.
it's the thing that gets her the most. she believed him. because she believed him, ace drowned. it feels a little like her fault.
she had such an uneventful weekend. she was okay, she was trying - she didn't want it to be like this, but the revelation ripped the bandages off and made all her wounds start bleeding again. it's not even closure. it just sucks.
she watches the lilies behind nico as he walks.]
I'm sorry. [she mumbles.] It's just another thing on top of so much things for you.
[ it's only when he opens the kit that he realizes he can't really treat her hand this way. so he does put her down on the counter and he grabs a wet cloth to try and clean any damage first before taking her hand to see how swollen it is and where the wood slivers are.
he'd spiraled on his own when danny told him, with that same little bit of guilt for trusting him. like trusting him lead to the demise of other friends, which, like, yeah. losing people is nico's life story and for a moment he doesn't say anything. one more kick in the dick for the end of the week, apparently.
isn't that the way? you get a good thing of talking to friends you miss, followed by a bad thing of finding out how a friend betrayed you. ]
I can't have that conversation right now. [ which is more honest than usual, but it's "let me take care of you" and "i'm too overwhelmed to think about me" in one. ] ...tell me what you're thinking about all of this. Especially when we still have a few more weeks to go.
[she lets him sit her down. she's kind of a bit rag-dolly right now, but she'll sit up and she'll let him look at her hand, like. it's just fractured a bit, it's not bad. she punched a doorframe, essentially.
she closes her eyes when he says the first bit - not flinching, just sort of like, scrunching a bit. and then:]
I'm not going to kill him. [she says, with a little wet sniff. i'm not a monster.] I shifted to this for a reason.
[ baby. it's fine he's sort of just moving her around at will so she can be propped up and comfortable while he starts working on fishing out slivers. a fracture isn't bad, somehow when you said broken hand i imagined much worse. but also. baby. ]
I didn't think you would. [ almost serenely, briefly eyeing that bubble before letting it go. ] I know you better than that. But it's frustrating to not really be able to do anything about it now that he told us. Not that hurting him back is an answer. That's never an answer in a game like this. [ he pauses, working on the splinters. ] Stay in that form as long as you want. Or...it probably only lasts the normal hour, huh? You get it.
...I'm not telling you to forgive him. But I'm going to talk about him a little bit. Okay?
[she lets him do whatever - her hair is long and keeps draping into her face. also i originally was going to have it be much worse but i changed my mind, so. it's fine.]
It's just the hour. [she mumbles. her thoughts are disjointed again, the way they always are, and there's a wisp of i don't want to and i don't know if he did anything wrong and kill him -- no.]
[ shoves a remedy down her throat--no. it's fine. he's going to try to do this the mortal way because unbeknownst to everybody else he actually has been reading on first aid techniques. it's annoying, but effective. ]
...how much do you know about what's happened to him, actually?
[ she can stare at the floor. he's just working on her hand still. ]
Yup...there's another Danny Fenton out there. A "better" version that he can't quite emulate, and the one he kind of lives in the shadow of. We've talked about it a little. About...trying to get a second chance and life a better life since he can't really go back to his other one. I think he wanted to try, but he's been scared. Of letting people get closer, or trusting people, or being vulnerable enough to take that chance.
Sometimes I think he struggles in the same way you and I do where we want to be better than people have thought we were. He's just not at the same level yet. [ this isn't an excuse though, and his tone indicates it. ] ...he told me he wouldn't have killed anybody if he hadn't been told to do it, because he was scared of ruining what he was trying to rebuild for himself. And I do believe that. But it's hard to know where to go from here, because knowing that doesn't change that these things happened, or that we had to experience those losses. Or that our friends had to experience those deaths.
I think that's why I don't really know how to feel or what to do yet.
[there's something like a hissy fit building in her that she's trying to swallow down.
he got told, she reminds herself, he didn't do it of his own volition, he had to. it's the fault of - whoever told him to. but there's scratchy images of ace in jail, crying, and disjointed thoughts that form something along the lines of a circular argument. i hate this, i'm not supposed to hate this, i want to make him hurt, you're not supposed to hurt anybody.
so many people gave her chances. she should give danny a second one. she should.
[ he's just going to wrap her hand to try and help with the fracture once he finishes removing the splinters. ]
Not allowing yourself to feel how you want to feel about it isn't healthy. But acting on your first instinct isn't either. And it's awful to try and figure out what you're supposed to do when all you want to do is react. Like I said. I'm not saying you have to forgive him. You don't even have to take any of what I said into consideration. I'm not here to sway your feelings.
What I am here for is for you to figure it out with me until we know how to move forward.
[she says, maybe a bit angry, a bit snappy. defensive, because it's what she hears when he says don't act on your first instinct. she realizes it's probably not fair to be angry at nico, though, and she just exhales, harsh. her head hurts.]
... I don't. I don't think I can.
[forgive him, she means. maybe it'll change if they can get everybody back, but there's too much about this that feels like a betrayal that she's not built to get over. so many people have hurt her in her long life that it's hard to go back.]
[ he's not exactly fast enough to hide his surprised and kind of hurt expression when she says that because that's not what he was thinking, but...he can't really blame her for thinking that way either. so he doesn't call her on it, finishing what he's doing and looking at his work instead of her. ]
That's fine. [ he's not going to force her to. that's between them, and he hasn't even really properly sorted his own feelings on it or if he can forgive danny either. ] ...think you can at least try to work with him enough to help bring everybody back? We might need everyone to cooperate enough when the moon strikes.
[ he wouldn't blame her if she said no to that, too, but he wants to get a read on it. ]
[she actually does feel pretty instantly horrible for snapping at him, she's just. in a state.
when he keeps working, she shifts on the counter, rubbing at her face with her free hand.]
I'm not gonna do anything that's going to make it too hard for the dead to come back. [she mumbles, with a sniff.] I'll do whatever I have to to make sure they're okay, and that you get to go home.
[ yeah it's fair. he knows she's taking this a lot harder than he is (or at least a lot harder than he's processed at the moment, and maybe later when he's alone and lets himself think more about it it'll hit like a tidal wave) and so he doesn't want to make her feel worse. ]
Okay. That's all we can do right now. Oceanside's not that big, and I know there's a chance we'll run into each other out there. The more we can at least work together, the better our chances are of bringing everyone back so we can all get out of here. [ ... ] Do...you want me to stop talking to him?
[ well. obviously he does, because that's kind of what you do when you care about people. you give them the comfort they're actually asking for, and since she's reaching out he's just scooping her up again. ]
Even if you were I probably wouldn't listen. [ there's no heat to it, very obviously teasing and talking shit because they both know that if it was something she felt strongly about he'd default to her. but he's relieved he doesn't have to choose. he knows that maybe in his own time, maybe he'll find it's too hard to forgive danny. that he'll take back what he said. but somewhere in his heart he knows that ripping away that second chance would just...it wouldn't make him any better than some other people he's dealt with in his life.
it's an exhausting thought, and so he's holding her and stroking her hair again while she's burrowed into his shirt. ]
...how do you wanna do this, Nimona? Do you want to try and feel a little better? Or do you want the time to feel sad? [ sad, angry, betrayed, all those fun little emotions. he only asks because he knows how he functions and won't assume everyone can just shove all of their emotions in a nice little box to deal with Later. ]
[she kind of likes being scooped, not that she'd admit it.
she stays where she is, arms around his neck, eyes closed. she doesn't feel good about any of this. all of it sucks. and she doesn't like the position it puts either of them in - doesn't like that nico even felt like he needed to ask her if she wanted him to stop.
she's quiet for a little bit after he asks her, and then:]
I don't know. [she kind of just sounds miserable.] I didn't think that far ahead.
[she doesn't know if she can pick. she's not sure she can compartmentalize like that.]
[ that's fair. he sort of nods to that, and he doesn't say much before he walks out of the bathroom and heads toward the kitchen.
he doesn't put her down. he just keeps her on his hip, lets her hold him around the neck and starts setting some things out. a pot, first, flicking on the heat of the stove. water in the pot. pork and cubed pumpkin out of the fridge. fish sauce. salt and pepper.
he doesn't make her talk. he doesn't put her down, and he seems to be struggling to remember some things as he slowly goes bit by bit into making some kind of soup. we're pretending it's faster than the actual time needed, but eventually once everything is added he lets it simmer and sets a timer on his phone, turning to lean against the counter while still holding onto her.
does he explain? no. ]
I didn't expect you to think about it before I asked, really. Just wanted to ask.
she stays where she is, clinging. she appreciates not having to talk for a while, actually, and by the time he's finished putting things together she seems more sleepy than anything. all the adrenaline is gone, and she's safe here, with him, so it's way, way too easy to just zone out, idly watching him cook.
when he finally talks, she closes her eyes.]
I'm not really sad. [or - well, maybe she is. but more than anything she's just kind of resentful.]
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she clings to him. with both hands, broken one too. it hurts the way it should. she's just. processing, she's trying to reconcile that, and then, a little desperately:]
What the fuck am I supposed to do with that, Nico?
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I'm not telling you to forgive him. That's a choice you have to make yourself, and I don't even know if forgiveness is an option. But knowing that he was told to do it because it's a part of this stupid game changes the context just a little.
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it still happened. he still looked for every way to save himself, for a way to throw ace under the bus, and ace still died, and she still had to watch ace drown himself and danny still built a treehouse with her and she still saw reigen's heart all over the floor and had to see nico's face when he realized it, and the shitty thing is, wouldn't she? wouldn't she try to save herself? would she? or would she just give herself over?
she doesn't think she can separate those parts. not yet.
she rests her head on nico's shoulder and doesn't say anything.]
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it's a lot to process and this close up she can probably see his own eyes are rimmed red as he focuses on where they're going and seems to be concentrating, to figure out what to say to her. ]
...he did activate 1000%. That's how it happened.
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she's holding onto him so tightly. this form is a blessing for a lot of reasons, but the fact that she feels less stupid for holding onto him like this is the biggest one right now.]
I knew I wasn't stupid. [she hiccups, but it's more angry than anything.] Nobody else could've done it. I had his power.
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by now they're approaching the dorms, and he's keeping his grip on her tight and holding her as he enters phoenix and swipes to call for the elevator. ]
I know. One of the first times I ever spoke to him he pulled me through the roof of that capsule hotel. We were scouting together. I even told Ace that...when it's a power you're used to having, you know what your limitations are and what you can do. If he was under the effect of 1000%, it only made sense things went too far.
[ and i know he feels guilty. i know he's upset. but does that change the fact that it happened? i don't know yet.
he leads her into the dorm and immediately carries her to his bathroom, white lilies still blossoming with each step and he's very pointedly avoiding looking at the bedroom next to his. he doesn't bother to put her down, but he crouches to grab a first aid kit and opening it to look for some supplies. disinfectant. tweezers. etc. ]
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it's the thing that gets her the most. she believed him. because she believed him, ace drowned. it feels a little like her fault.
she had such an uneventful weekend. she was okay, she was trying - she didn't want it to be like this, but the revelation ripped the bandages off and made all her wounds start bleeding again. it's not even closure. it just sucks.
she watches the lilies behind nico as he walks.]
I'm sorry. [she mumbles.] It's just another thing on top of so much things for you.
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he'd spiraled on his own when danny told him, with that same little bit of guilt for trusting him. like trusting him lead to the demise of other friends, which, like, yeah. losing people is nico's life story and for a moment he doesn't say anything. one more kick in the dick for the end of the week, apparently.
isn't that the way? you get a good thing of talking to friends you miss, followed by a bad thing of finding out how a friend betrayed you. ]
I can't have that conversation right now. [ which is more honest than usual, but it's "let me take care of you" and "i'm too overwhelmed to think about me" in one. ] ...tell me what you're thinking about all of this. Especially when we still have a few more weeks to go.
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she closes her eyes when he says the first bit - not flinching, just sort of like, scrunching a bit. and then:]
I'm not going to kill him. [she says, with a little wet sniff. i'm not a monster.] I shifted to this for a reason.
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I didn't think you would. [ almost serenely, briefly eyeing that bubble before letting it go. ] I know you better than that. But it's frustrating to not really be able to do anything about it now that he told us. Not that hurting him back is an answer. That's never an answer in a game like this. [ he pauses, working on the splinters. ] Stay in that form as long as you want. Or...it probably only lasts the normal hour, huh? You get it.
...I'm not telling you to forgive him. But I'm going to talk about him a little bit. Okay?
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It's just the hour. [she mumbles. her thoughts are disjointed again, the way they always are, and there's a wisp of i don't want to and i don't know if he did anything wrong and kill him -- no.]
Okay.
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...how much do you know about what's happened to him, actually?
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Yup...there's another Danny Fenton out there. A "better" version that he can't quite emulate, and the one he kind of lives in the shadow of. We've talked about it a little. About...trying to get a second chance and life a better life since he can't really go back to his other one. I think he wanted to try, but he's been scared. Of letting people get closer, or trusting people, or being vulnerable enough to take that chance.
Sometimes I think he struggles in the same way you and I do where we want to be better than people have thought we were. He's just not at the same level yet. [ this isn't an excuse though, and his tone indicates it. ] ...he told me he wouldn't have killed anybody if he hadn't been told to do it, because he was scared of ruining what he was trying to rebuild for himself. And I do believe that. But it's hard to know where to go from here, because knowing that doesn't change that these things happened, or that we had to experience those losses. Or that our friends had to experience those deaths.
I think that's why I don't really know how to feel or what to do yet.
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he got told, she reminds herself, he didn't do it of his own volition, he had to. it's the fault of - whoever told him to. but there's scratchy images of ace in jail, crying, and disjointed thoughts that form something along the lines of a circular argument. i hate this, i'm not supposed to hate this, i want to make him hurt, you're not supposed to hurt anybody.
so many people gave her chances. she should give danny a second one. she should.
her fingers on both hands flex and unflex.]
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Not allowing yourself to feel how you want to feel about it isn't healthy. But acting on your first instinct isn't either. And it's awful to try and figure out what you're supposed to do when all you want to do is react. Like I said. I'm not saying you have to forgive him. You don't even have to take any of what I said into consideration. I'm not here to sway your feelings.
What I am here for is for you to figure it out with me until we know how to move forward.
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[she says, maybe a bit angry, a bit snappy. defensive, because it's what she hears when he says don't act on your first instinct. she realizes it's probably not fair to be angry at nico, though, and she just exhales, harsh. her head hurts.]
... I don't. I don't think I can.
[forgive him, she means. maybe it'll change if they can get everybody back, but there's too much about this that feels like a betrayal that she's not built to get over. so many people have hurt her in her long life that it's hard to go back.]
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That's fine. [ he's not going to force her to. that's between them, and he hasn't even really properly sorted his own feelings on it or if he can forgive danny either. ] ...think you can at least try to work with him enough to help bring everybody back? We might need everyone to cooperate enough when the moon strikes.
[ he wouldn't blame her if she said no to that, too, but he wants to get a read on it. ]
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when he keeps working, she shifts on the counter, rubbing at her face with her free hand.]
I'm not gonna do anything that's going to make it too hard for the dead to come back. [she mumbles, with a sniff.] I'll do whatever I have to to make sure they're okay, and that you get to go home.
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Okay. That's all we can do right now. Oceanside's not that big, and I know there's a chance we'll run into each other out there. The more we can at least work together, the better our chances are of bringing everyone back so we can all get out of here. [ ... ] Do...you want me to stop talking to him?
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No. [she says, muffled into his shirt if he lets her hug him.] I'm not the boss of you.
[you're a better person than me for still wanting to.]
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Even if you were I probably wouldn't listen. [ there's no heat to it, very obviously teasing and talking shit because they both know that if it was something she felt strongly about he'd default to her. but he's relieved he doesn't have to choose. he knows that maybe in his own time, maybe he'll find it's too hard to forgive danny. that he'll take back what he said. but somewhere in his heart he knows that ripping away that second chance would just...it wouldn't make him any better than some other people he's dealt with in his life.
it's an exhausting thought, and so he's holding her and stroking her hair again while she's burrowed into his shirt. ]
...how do you wanna do this, Nimona? Do you want to try and feel a little better? Or do you want the time to feel sad? [ sad, angry, betrayed, all those fun little emotions. he only asks because he knows how he functions and won't assume everyone can just shove all of their emotions in a nice little box to deal with Later. ]
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she stays where she is, arms around his neck, eyes closed. she doesn't feel good about any of this. all of it sucks. and she doesn't like the position it puts either of them in - doesn't like that nico even felt like he needed to ask her if she wanted him to stop.
she's quiet for a little bit after he asks her, and then:]
I don't know. [she kind of just sounds miserable.] I didn't think that far ahead.
[she doesn't know if she can pick. she's not sure she can compartmentalize like that.]
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he doesn't put her down. he just keeps her on his hip, lets her hold him around the neck and starts setting some things out. a pot, first, flicking on the heat of the stove. water in the pot. pork and cubed pumpkin out of the fridge. fish sauce. salt and pepper.
he doesn't make her talk. he doesn't put her down, and he seems to be struggling to remember some things as he slowly goes bit by bit into making some kind of soup. we're pretending it's faster than the actual time needed, but eventually once everything is added he lets it simmer and sets a timer on his phone, turning to lean against the counter while still holding onto her.
does he explain? no. ]
I didn't expect you to think about it before I asked, really. Just wanted to ask.
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she stays where she is, clinging. she appreciates not having to talk for a while, actually, and by the time he's finished putting things together she seems more sleepy than anything. all the adrenaline is gone, and she's safe here, with him, so it's way, way too easy to just zone out, idly watching him cook.
when he finally talks, she closes her eyes.]
I'm not really sad. [or - well, maybe she is. but more than anything she's just kind of resentful.]
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