[ he makes a face, but he still looks conflicted about it. ]
...I know the whole thing wasn't real. I knew that from the start. But all of it just kind of did a fantastic job reminding us of all of the times it was real. And how real it could be later.
it's touch week, but nico is. injured still, so ace's touch to his arm is brief ]
There's going to be people we can't save. There already have been. [ here, and back home too, for both of them. ] Won't do you any good to worry about it in advance. If this is the only time you get with people--you have to make the most of it. [ he knows it's not something easy to ignore either, though. ]
[ it is touch week, and so he allows this without shying away. also he probably would regardless because it's ace. and because it's ace, he figures...he can elaborate, even if he's looking at his own hands instead. ]
I know. [ softly. ] I'm tired of losing people, but there's always going to be people I can lose. No matter what I try. So I want the time to count even if it could hurt. [ ... ] It's sort of what I thought while we were there, too. If the only time I could get with certain people existed, I may as well take it. Even if it wasn't real. I shouldn't have lingered around because I knew the people we were seeing weren't really there, she's been gone for years, but...I still wanted it.
Bianca. [ so no, ace is correct. ] She chose rebirth a few years ago, so I already knew it wasn't real. But I still decided to waste time talking to her anyway. She had a clothing shop in that village. Or at least that's what it looked like? When our vision cleared, it was just where they were keeping the dead...people who were in a similar situation you were. Half-person, half-animal.
[ he nods. going to ignore the fucked up store with dead people part for now ]
Maybe it was a waste of time, but... I'd probably have done the same thing, for a chance to talk to my brother again. [ even if he'd know it would never be real because sabo is super dead 100% never coming back ]
It wasn't real, but I thought "what if?" anyway. Reigen tried to warn me about what happened with Mob, but I wasn't really listening. And maybe if I had, or if we had left when we didn't find Norma's ghost that we had followed, we could have avoided a lot of things. [ there's a brief gesture to his face where the claw marks are bandaged now. ] I held her off for a little after, but it meant I wasn't watching behind me.
...Will's dad was still alive. He tried to grab Will, but Reigen...kinda crushed his skull with his foot and I splintered his arm from the rest of his body. [ will came out with a hand around his ankle because nico panicked. ] Apollo bit Reigen and we couldn't get the hand off no matter how we tried, so we ran before anything else could chase us. I had to leave her tied to a wall, no longer in control of herself even as the seams around her mouth burst and she kept screaming after me.
but also yeah! sure does. he's still not looking at ace because it's easier! this is also why he does not realize his nose is starting to bleed black slowly. he'll notice eventually. ]
She called me a monster as I left her behind, so no. I suppose not. And Apollo...[ there's a sigh to that. he's frustrated, but that's will's story for later. ] None of it was real. After that...we found another shop. Ballister's. We were able to stock up on weapons at least and that sort of helped. We had no idea what we were going to find in the museum, but we knew that's where we had to go. If anything at least to stop the director and stop more people from being hurt.
[ there's maybe a twitch at the monster thing. it's fine. half of their group has the same issues i think about it a lot. also nico might not notice the nose bleed but ace does and he gestures at nico's face ]
Bleeding again. [ stop that. stop bleeding. keep the blood internal where it is supposed to be ] Was the director someone you guys recognized, too?
[ yeah that's exactly what the cyoa was about, very fun. anyway yeah he blinks in surprise and looks up like he's surprised, sleeve coming up to try and stop the bleeding like a fucking heathen. ]
Sorry. [ he would like to keep his internal blood. anyway. ] No. When we got there, it was some lady none of us knew, and...a creature she was trying to control to do things for her. It was tied up with the same puppet strings that Mob and Bianca were. Reigen went to distract her, and Will and I tried to get high enough to cut the strings.
[ tilting his head back to try and make the nosebleed quit. ]
I think that's about the point everything went badly.
Ugh. [ but he takes the bandages and kind of shoves them at his face to make it stop. it means the rest of this is kind of nasally but it's fine. ]
...okay yeah, so it wasn't going great to begin with. I can admit that. [ god. ] ...Reigen was doing a pretty good job distracting the director while we tried to cut the strings. The creature didn't want to be there, but...I don't know if it trusted us either. But something happened and...suddenly there were three monsters instead of just the one.
[ he would leave it there, but...again. ace privileges. ]
It hurt. Everything just kind of came flooding back, and it hurt, and changing into a form like that sort of felt like being flattened under a thirty-foot building while being lit on fire and drowning underwater. But it was nothing compared to the thoughts that came with it, but...I guess those were familiar, too? It was kind of like being ourselves and not. [ a pause. ] And changing meant that I dropped the pipebomb on Reigen and the director so that didn't help.
... Reigen told me, a little. [ [reigen voice] i'm doxxing the children's trauma ] You, Will and "Nimona". Right?
[ he's frowning at nico in concern. but also. hm ]
Pipebomb's not the best choice for a weapon when you're inside a building, you know. [ it's light in tone, despite ace's expression ] So it messed with your thoughts, too?
That's right. [ if he's bothered by reigen mentioning it, his face gives no tells. ]
I didn't pick up the bomb, that was all Reigen. Will and I only had our swords but we dropped those, too. Along with the shovel, the axe and Chiemi's gun. And the vials... [ he shakes his head. ] Anyway it's...I wouldn't necessarily say it messed with my thoughts. They were still mine, in a way. Just more intensely than I've felt them in a while, and a little more harsh. But for a while it felt difficult to separate my thoughts and what she must have felt.
...in a sense. The things I felt are things that were and were not mine, so I cann only assume that part of them were hers. She was hurting and she was scared and she was angry and all any of us wanted to do was make everyone else hurt, too. So...we did.
[ there's a long pause, and he slowly pulls the bandages away to test his nose. it seems like the bleeding stopped, at least for now. ]
...I wasn't stubborn about Will and Reigen being healed first because I didn't want to heal myself. I wanted to make sure they were taken care of because I knew both of them would prioritize me first without letting many people look at the damage I caused. I've handled pain worse than this. I already knew what I had done to them. I knew that I had acted without caring whether they lived or died. I knew that I wanted them to disappear hoping...that everything else would, too. So when we got back, I didn't want them to have to experience it for much longer.
[ well, he's not one to talk about getting injured and going i have hurt Worse it's Fine, so he won't say anything to that. he could, he's never been above hypocrisy, but he won't, because it's not the point. ]
You felt guilty. [ call out, except it's kind of obvious and nico isn't hiding it, but; ] I'm pretty sure Will and Reigen did, too, you know?
Reigen doesn't have anything to feel guilty for. And Will...I attacked first. He was only defending himself in the end. [ he knows will would probably say something similar though. ] ...I've never wanted to hurt people I care about with my powers. I've been working on getting them under control for years, so losing control like that was...scary? And worse when nothing mattered.
[ he's running his fingers through will's hair idly. ]
I know it wasn't really us. But I still hate that it happened and I couldn't control it myself.
Reigen's the kind of guy who doesn't want younger people to get hurt under his watch.
[ it's important to note because, well, obviously neither of them understand this ideal but ace is very aware reigen has it. ]
I hate that it happened to you guys, too. [ ... ] I get it. Even though you were forced into it, it was still you doing it. Your hands, your power... whatever feelings resonated in you because of that. It'd be impossible to forget.
[ there's no like. conclusion. it sucks, and he's going to feel guilty, and ace doesn't know a solution to that, because it's always going to have happened, and ace's only solution to guilt is to get angry and do things to fix it and in this place, well. there is not much they know how to do to fix anything. ]
...even so. We should have done a better job protecting him. [ ...but he sighs to himself. ] But I can understand that, I think. I should apologize to him again later.
...but yeah, that's it. Even if we were kind of forced into it, the feelings and actions behind it are too close to being my own choice. I'm not going to forget it for a long time. Or, you know, ever. And I guess I don't know where to go from here other than try to keep taking care of both of them.
[ gently baps his knuckles against nico's skulls ]
Dumbass. The last thing he'd want is for you to apologize. [ he doesn't expand on that because that feels like an obvious thing. ] I don't know what you can do, but you shouldn't blame yourself. Any of you. It's this place that did it to you guys again.
[ his multiple skulls. but he's widdle pouty at that. ]
Believe it or not, I never really know how much I can and can't say to Reigen before it gets too weird for him. It's different with you because you know a lot more than most people here, but when I think about telling him things it feels like...
[ ...whatever. ]
But alright, fine. I won't apologize about this anymore and instead we'll figure out how to blow this place up instead.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...I know the whole thing wasn't real. I knew that from the start. But all of it just kind of did a fantastic job reminding us of all of the times it was real. And how real it could be later.
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it's touch week, but nico is. injured still, so ace's touch to his arm is brief ]
There's going to be people we can't save. There already have been. [ here, and back home too, for both of them. ] Won't do you any good to worry about it in advance. If this is the only time you get with people--you have to make the most of it. [ he knows it's not something easy to ignore either, though. ]
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I know. [ softly. ] I'm tired of losing people, but there's always going to be people I can lose. No matter what I try. So I want the time to count even if it could hurt. [ ... ] It's sort of what I thought while we were there, too. If the only time I could get with certain people existed, I may as well take it. Even if it wasn't real. I shouldn't have lingered around because I knew the people we were seeing weren't really there, she's been gone for years, but...I still wanted it.
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... She?
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Guess it was thematic enough, considering.
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Maybe it was a waste of time, but... I'd probably have done the same thing, for a chance to talk to my brother again. [ even if he'd know it would never be real because sabo is super dead 100% never coming back ]
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...Will's dad was still alive. He tried to grab Will, but Reigen...kinda crushed his skull with his foot and I splintered his arm from the rest of his body. [ will came out with a hand around his ankle because nico panicked. ] Apollo bit Reigen and we couldn't get the hand off no matter how we tried, so we ran before anything else could chase us. I had to leave her tied to a wall, no longer in control of herself even as the seams around her mouth burst and she kept screaming after me.
[ which is very fun. ]
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Explains the hand. [ first. important. he was wondering, a little. ] Whatever was controlling what you guys saw wasn't pulling their punches, huh?
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but also yeah! sure does. he's still not looking at ace because it's easier! this is also why he does not realize his nose is starting to bleed black slowly. he'll notice eventually. ]
She called me a monster as I left her behind, so no. I suppose not. And Apollo...[ there's a sigh to that. he's frustrated, but that's will's story for later. ] None of it was real. After that...we found another shop. Ballister's. We were able to stock up on weapons at least and that sort of helped. We had no idea what we were going to find in the museum, but we knew that's where we had to go. If anything at least to stop the director and stop more people from being hurt.
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Bleeding again. [ stop that. stop bleeding. keep the blood internal where it is supposed to be ] Was the director someone you guys recognized, too?
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Sorry. [ he would like to keep his internal blood. anyway. ] No. When we got there, it was some lady none of us knew, and...a creature she was trying to control to do things for her. It was tied up with the same puppet strings that Mob and Bianca were. Reigen went to distract her, and Will and I tried to get high enough to cut the strings.
[ tilting his head back to try and make the nosebleed quit. ]
I think that's about the point everything went badly.
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[ rummages through his pockets and finds leftover? bandages? well. it'll work. he hands it over ]
I can't say it sounded like everything was going well for you guys already. [ so that it went badly after that is... bad. ]
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...okay yeah, so it wasn't going great to begin with. I can admit that. [ god. ] ...Reigen was doing a pretty good job distracting the director while we tried to cut the strings. The creature didn't want to be there, but...I don't know if it trusted us either. But something happened and...suddenly there were three monsters instead of just the one.
[ he would leave it there, but...again. ace privileges. ]
It hurt. Everything just kind of came flooding back, and it hurt, and changing into a form like that sort of felt like being flattened under a thirty-foot building while being lit on fire and drowning underwater. But it was nothing compared to the thoughts that came with it, but...I guess those were familiar, too? It was kind of like being ourselves and not. [ a pause. ] And changing meant that I dropped the pipebomb on Reigen and the director so that didn't help.
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[ he's frowning at nico in concern. but also. hm ]
Pipebomb's not the best choice for a weapon when you're inside a building, you know. [ it's light in tone, despite ace's expression ] So it messed with your thoughts, too?
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I didn't pick up the bomb, that was all Reigen. Will and I only had our swords but we dropped those, too. Along with the shovel, the axe and Chiemi's gun. And the vials... [ he shakes his head. ] Anyway it's...I wouldn't necessarily say it messed with my thoughts. They were still mine, in a way. Just more intensely than I've felt them in a while, and a little more harsh. But for a while it felt difficult to separate my thoughts and what she must have felt.
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...in a sense. The things I felt are things that were and were not mine, so I cann only assume that part of them were hers. She was hurting and she was scared and she was angry and all any of us wanted to do was make everyone else hurt, too. So...we did.
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... And that's how you guys ended up hurting each other. [ that makes sense. ] Lashing out at everything without thought.
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...I wasn't stubborn about Will and Reigen being healed first because I didn't want to heal myself. I wanted to make sure they were taken care of because I knew both of them would prioritize me first without letting many people look at the damage I caused. I've handled pain worse than this. I already knew what I had done to them. I knew that I had acted without caring whether they lived or died. I knew that I wanted them to disappear hoping...that everything else would, too. So when we got back, I didn't want them to have to experience it for much longer.
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You felt guilty. [ call out, except it's kind of obvious and nico isn't hiding it, but; ] I'm pretty sure Will and Reigen did, too, you know?
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Reigen doesn't have anything to feel guilty for. And Will...I attacked first. He was only defending himself in the end. [ he knows will would probably say something similar though. ] ...I've never wanted to hurt people I care about with my powers. I've been working on getting them under control for years, so losing control like that was...scary? And worse when nothing mattered.
[ he's running his fingers through will's hair idly. ]
I know it wasn't really us. But I still hate that it happened and I couldn't control it myself.
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[ it's important to note because, well, obviously neither of them understand this ideal but ace is very aware reigen has it. ]
I hate that it happened to you guys, too. [ ... ] I get it. Even though you were forced into it, it was still you doing it. Your hands, your power... whatever feelings resonated in you because of that. It'd be impossible to forget.
[ there's no like. conclusion. it sucks, and he's going to feel guilty, and ace doesn't know a solution to that, because it's always going to have happened, and ace's only solution to guilt is to get angry and do things to fix it and in this place, well. there is not much they know how to do to fix anything. ]
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...but yeah, that's it. Even if we were kind of forced into it, the feelings and actions behind it are too close to being my own choice. I'm not going to forget it for a long time. Or, you know, ever. And I guess I don't know where to go from here other than try to keep taking care of both of them.
[ all of this is to say...same hat. ]
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Dumbass. The last thing he'd want is for you to apologize. [ he doesn't expand on that because that feels like an obvious thing. ] I don't know what you can do, but you shouldn't blame yourself. Any of you. It's this place that did it to you guys again.
[ [ace voice] destroy the world instead ]
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Believe it or not, I never really know how much I can and can't say to Reigen before it gets too weird for him. It's different with you because you know a lot more than most people here, but when I think about telling him things it feels like...
[ ...whatever. ]
But alright, fine. I won't apologize about this anymore and instead we'll figure out how to blow this place up instead.
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